What would you do if ...
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| Tue, 06-15-2010 - 11:26am |
AP told you he loved you but was in love with his wife. So in love that the thought of losing her made him stop breathing and tremble. That he didn't feel that way about you. He doesn't WANT to lose you but he CAN'T lose her. But losing you would UPSET HIM VERY MUCH. (All the caps are the way it was said/texted)
He keeps maintaining how much he wants me in his life and how important I am to him. He has never wavered on the fact that he isn't leaving his W and I have never asked or expected it. I guess some things happened recently at home where he was questioned on certain things ... it was a big fight but he has had to cut down on texting because it was a huge part of the fight. He has told me how much he has learned about himself through all of this and part of that is that his W is his life and it took risking that and having feelings for someone else to make him fully understand that.
Now you would think that all of this would be the preface of a goodbye ... but it's not. THis was all said BEFORE the last time I saw him. And we def weren't as physical as most times, but there was still Physical contact. He has gotten around the texting by chatting most nights on the computer while at work ... that won't be possible all the time, like this week it won't ... I ask myself what I expect of him ... and the fact is I don't expect him or want him to leave his W ... not at all ... he is truly one of my best friends ... He asked the last time we saw each other if I really knew how much he cared about me ... I just feel like if you really love your W the way you claim ... What are you doing with me? I'm M too but my marriage is far from perfect. For those of you in good M's can you relate to what he is saying? And can any M really be GREAT if one member is having an A?
I told him last night that I needed to take some space to get my head on straight. I Asked him not to ask any questions or to even reply. He hasn't and I know he won't. Which right now is what i want. I am so confused. He asked if I could be his friend without the physical ... I think a year ago that would have been a healthy friendship for us ... now I think it is an impossibility. We have proven that over and over and over again. More so him than me ... I am always the initiator (or most times) of us seeing eachother, but HE is always the initiator of the physical.
From his POV he doesn't want to lose me because I am such a good friend and there are very few people in life that you care about the way he cares about me ... and he wants to keep those people around him ... But keeping me in his life seems so contradictory to what he said to me about his W.
OK, I'm rambling now ... any feedback would be great. Thanks.

I sure hope one of our board guys answers this!
Personally since your situation is different, and you are not happy in your marriage - I would let him go because your feelings and emotions will not allow you to make this a friendship and friends with benefits long term relationship. You're absolutely right...if his marriage was so important to him he would want to stop all contact with you. Once again a situation where a man wants the best of both worlds...but for you I sense it will only hurt you more and more over time.
I too am trying to reach a higher ground by looking within and "seeing" that the affair may not be truly giving me what I need in the long run and if I continue may hurt me alot.
Be strong. I say try your best to end this entirely, he's given you his truth. Walk away.
"board guy" here.. i've been called many things but this one is quite honorable, i must say..
is it possible to be in love with more than one person? yes, i'd think so.. but, as he says, not as the same level. if he were to choose, and he did, he chose her. you are special to him, and you always will be.. plus there're the physical benefits.. it's quite in "our" nature not to want to lose a good lover.
i think it's quite possible, for a man, in a normal, healthy marriage, given the opportunity, to accept a lover in his life. as long as he's not risking much, the rewards are always there. it's not right, but this isn't about morality, more about behavior.
i think you need to do what's right for you, not for him. if this is a situation you are happy with, go with it. choose the R on your own terms. if he's not able to meet those terms, do not settle, for friendship or anything else. move on. when you get your life to a point where you are happy again, then you can go back and work on a friendship with him if you choose. but right now, focus on you.
good luck.
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This is a very old line - I love you but am not IN love with you.That basically says it all.Your AP loves you but is IN love with his W.
If you still want to continue the A with him then you are going to be icing on the cake for him,thats all.What he says or texts etc is just to keep you around to add to the passion at home.
" And can any M really be GREAT if one member is having an A? " Of course! All kinds of people have As; some who are miserable in a M,some whose M is bearable or some who have great M but done mind an extra on the side.
Walk away if you are looking for more.
Thank you all for your replies. I do harbor romantic feelings for him but have no notions or desires for a future with him. It all seems so complicated when I just want it to be simple ...
He has also said time and time again that it's not just physical for him that its much deeper than that ... He's more than a little 'something something" but I also not someone I want to or see myself spending my life with.
I am starting to have guilt not about my H but about his W ... does that factor in for anyone?
What would I do?
anotherseyes