What would YOU say??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2009
What would YOU say??
4
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 1:45am

I have a question for ALL of you who feel like responding. I'm just curious if anyone else has thought about this and what your answers would be.


Question: If it were planned out, and you knew it was to happen... You were given the opportunity to sit down and be able to talk to your AP's Spouse, what would you say to Her/Him? (without arguing, fussing or fighting - a civil conversation)


I didn't know when asking this question, that I would find it so difficult to be able to answer myself, but I am going to try. I get very emotional when I think about this.


From me to my AP's spouse:


"First and foremost, I DO Love him. Secondly, I am a real person. I am a mother to a wonderful child. I am not some evil human being who could have come from only the devil himself. I am a woman who met a man 10 years ago that drastically changed my life. It just so happens that the man I speak of is now your H. Your H was not a MM when I met him, so my intentions were never to break up a marriage or a happy home. I fell deeply in love with him before you ever made it in the picture. I can not take back the feelings that I have for your H, nor do I want to and I will tell you why. When I met your H, he was sweet, sensitive, had the BEST smile in the whole world, and could laugh like no one I had ever met. I was in a marriage that I had been in since I was 19 due to an unexpected pregnancy and I was miserable. I was scared, and I felt worthless. I was abused daily in one form or another. Between being called a whore (and I was faithful to my H at that point), and being called fat, and getting beat every other day to the point of breaking my nose, I couldn't see that there would ever be a way out, much less anyone that would or could love me if I ever did get out. Your H showed me that I was beautiful, worthy, fun, and most of all loveable. Your H would spend hours on the phone with me after my H would leave for work, crying and making sure I was ok and wishing that he could do more. Wishing that I would allow him to do more. He showed me that not only was it ok to smile, but that laughing did so much for the soul. He taught me that I didn't have to be beaten on all the time, that there was a life out there that was much better that I was more than deserving of. Your H taught me that my daughter would one day follow in my footsteps if I continued to allow her to believe that this is what a happy marriage was.


This man, who is now your H taught me the most important thing I have ever learned and will ever learn, and that is how to love unconditionally. He showed me that it was ok to be completely honest in a relationship. To never hide anything from the one you love. He taught me that having flaws was ok. He taught me that in order to have a strong relationship, you must have weak moments. You must agree to disagree. You must be ok with having an arguement if you ever expect to grow to the next level, for every problem you face together is another layer of cement in the foundation of the relationship.


Without your H in my life, I would still be in a home of abuse. I would never have known that I was capable of being loved. I would never have learned that living the way I was living was wrong. I had settled to be content in my comfort zone of abuse. You may have a multitude of material things with your H, and you may even believe that there is nothing so strong that could split up your marriage. But always know that I have something with him that is just as strong, if not stronger. I have his love, his honesty, his smile, his laugh, his unconditional acceptance. I am where he can go when he has no one else to turn to. I am his safe haven. I am his secret fantasy. When he closes his eyes at night, even in your bed, he thinks of me. I am not saying he doesn't love you, but I am saying that the love you two share will never be this kind of love. His love and mine is 10 years in the making and 10 years of memories and hard times that we struggled through before you. And we only continue to grow. So even though you have him now, and you may continue to have him, you do not have ALL of him.


You have his bedroom, I have his dreams. You have his home, I have his happiness. You have his money, I have his mind. You have his children and he shares them with me. You have his vacations but I have his weekdays. Your with him when life is easy, I am there for him when life is hard. You have 4 years and a certificate, I have 10 years and his heart.


So please don't think I am just another street corner woman who decided to open her legs to some man who might have been horny. Or that I am some woman who has nothing to offer your H. I am a real lady, a real woman. I cry and feel and love just like you. I spend time with my daughter and try to teach her the things that your H taught me. I have a wonderful mother, and a loving family. I come from values and morals. Just like you. ....... But I was here first, and I will stay until I am the last to go."


WOW... I had more built up in me that I wanted to say to her than I thought. I feel soooo much better just getting that off of my chest! I can't wait to see what others might would say if in the same scenerio.


Hugs All!


SweetPea


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 4:19am
<< I have his love, his honesty, his smile, his laugh, his unconditional acceptance. I am where he can go when he has no one else to turn to. I am his safe haven. I am his secret fantasy. When he closes his eyes at night, even in your bed, he thinks of me. I am not saying he doesn't love you, but I am saying that the love you two share will never be this kind of love. His love and mine is 10 years in the making and 10 years of memories and hard times that we struggled through before you. And we only continue to grow. So even though you have him now, and you may continue to have him, you do not have ALL of him.

You have his bedroom, I have his dreams. You have his home, I have his happiness. You have his money, I have his mind. You have his children and he shares them with me. You have his vacations but I have his weekdays. Your with him when life is easy, I am there for him when life is hard. You have 4 years and a certificate, I have 10 years and his heart. >>>


WOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 12:10pm

I ended my 3-year affair, so this is what I would say:

"I'm very sorry I had an affair with your husband. I know you are having marital problems and I should not have been a factor in them. Your husband lied to me a lot and he lied to you too so I empathize; it's horrible not to be able to trust someone you love. I wish you happiness and hopefully you will be able to rebuild your marriage or find another path to peace and fulfillment. Good luck."

Trixie xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 12:25am

Quite simply:


"I wish that you appreciated him more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 4:24pm

Sweetpea,


I have only 1 question - if you were there before he ever got married, then WHY didn't you two get married? I know he helped you leave a bad situation - but then what? Ok - I comment as well - you say he is honest with you - yet he isn't "honest" b/c he is choosing to keep you as a "side dish" rather than give his M 100%. So - he isn't honest w/his W - that makes him "honest" with you? Take off the rose colored glasses!