what is wrong with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
what is wrong with me
3
Sat, 11-01-2003 - 10:02pm
Hello all....

Had a great date last night and today am wondering what my problem is...

I am thinking I may not Ever be able to love someone else.... be with someone

else... I thought I was heartbroken enough over theA.. to keep trying to

find someone ... the I meet a nice guy and here I am crying over it... after hearing a song on the radio... the first cut is the deepest... I'll try to love again but I know....

yada yada ... you get the idea...... I want a man who will tell me he loves me...

put me first......Yet I can't make myself beleive that MM and I will not be together

someday.........I don't know what to do...... I hate him for how i feel... i hate him for not being with me....... i want to have him morning and night.... breakfasts and dinners and all the time in between......how do i make myself believe it will never be?

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 11:30am
i understand.

i love my MM, i believe him to be my soulmate. i know i "deserve" a man who is available, who i will have a real future with, i don't want to be the "OW" forever. i also don't want to date, don't want to give up our wonderful times together, and don't want to stop seeing him. We're stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place, and no matter which way we turn, it's gonna hurt like hell.

For now i keep going. i believe i will know in my heart when it's over, when it hurts too much, when i simply can't anymore. My MM promised to come be with me but then "changed his mind" and i am slowly letting go of the idea of our "future" together. Slowly would be the key word but i am getting better. i just believe in my heart i will know when it'll hurt less to leave then stay.

Good luck

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 1:54pm
You have both expressed my feelings exactly. By the way, this is my first visit to this board and I am so happy to finally find someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't condemn me for it. In my case, I am single and seeing a married man (MM?) who has no intention of leaving his wife and family. He says he loves us both and would never do anything to hurt his kids. He is also 13 years younger than I am, but his wife is my age also, so that's not an issue.... except for the kids. I know what you mean jennlynnk when you say that being with him hurts less than being without him. We have tried to call it quits several times and are both miserable. I feel committed to him and am not seeing anyone else, even tho he has his wife..... I don't know what the rules are for these things.... I don't know how to feel.... how to "not feel".... I have no support in this... everyone says I'll just get hurt (I know) and when things are bad, I know they'd just say I told you so! So I sit and wait for our stolen moments, online chats, oh yea... did I mention we work together? So I see him every day.. have coffee, lunch, stolen moments after work...when he doesn't have family obligations. What's wrong with me??? I would never have guessed I'd end up in this situation, but we don't choose who we fall in love with. Again, I'm glad I found this place and thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 8:17pm
All I can say is be careful.. with your heart....

I know it's hard either way with or without him... he is my

soulmate and I love him like no other. I keep trying the dating

thing hoping someone will "help" me fall out of love with him.

Even these no-call times ( like I am going through yet again)

have come to remind me that he struggles with his feelings also, so

I've learned to let him go through "the wife and kids thing"

and let HIM miss ME.... It took me a long time to realize this but

we've known each other for like fifteen years and been involved in this A

for 5yrs, and yes, even through my pregnancy with my daughter..... perhaps

even most of youi think that awful... but I thought she was his and he loved me

when my husband ignored me.

Who knows where we will be 10 years from now, but I'm here alone and crying

and his with his family.... I don't mind having someone to at least go out with

for an evening , no one can replace him for me.