What is wrong with me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
What is wrong with me??
3
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 8:08pm
New here and i need some advice. Three years ago, I started an affair with a married co-worker. I was recently divorced at the time. I never had any grand illusions about being with my lover. We both made it clear that it was for fun only. We would hook up every week when I was in between "relationships". I never cheated on any of my serious partners, only got together with this guy when I was single. I've never felt the pure passion for anyone that I felt for this man. And I was surprised that any guilt I had about betraying his wife didn't stop me from continuing. We did this for alomst a year and then I met my current husband. And, as usual, I stopped the affair after that. I changed jobs and no longer see this co-worker on a daily bases. And I thought it was good anyway, to get away form this man who made my insides squirm just looking at him. Anyway, I've been married for 2 years now. I have occasionally emailed my ex-lover as we have remained friends, though I haven't told my husband about our past sexual relationship, but my husband does know who he is. Everyonce in a while, my ex-lover tries to engage in racey conversation with me, even after all this time. And at first I was unresponsive, just ignored it, telling him I can't do that anymore. But lately, I've been dreaming about him, and when he emailed me last, I found myself telling him about my dream. Next thing I know, we are both all hot and bothered. I felt bad, but have to admit that I liked the old passion I felt. I love my husband. I don't want to betray him. But the passion isn't there with him like it is with my ex-lover. The worst part is that I just found out today that my ex-lover has moved out of his home...his wife caught him cheating with another girl. I'm not jealous though...our relationship has never been like that...he told me all about it. And even knowing what a dog he is, I still feel this lust. I'm thinking I'm a sick person. I'm going to a conference in Novemember, an over night one, and he'll be there. He hinted at hooking up then, and instead of straight saying NO, I left it open. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I just get this guy out of my head?? I have no intentions of cheating on my husband, though in a way, maybe I have by talking to this man at all. But why do I set myself up for no good? Anyone else ever been an idiot like me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:13am
Hi Sue,

Well, I wouldn't like to call you an idiot - not only do I not like the word, but I don't know you.

Besides, I have a feeling that is the road I am headed down. My affair with MM began a little over a year ago, after stbxH asked for a divorce. We have (finally!) seperated, divorce is imminent, and I will be single again (well, I consider myself single now, even if not legally, lol). And here I am still, involved with MM. I suppose I'll start dating eventually - but I can't imagine giving up what I have with MM.

Hmmm, and where does that leave me and any potential future committed relationships I may have, or miss? Is it really true, experience an affair and never go back? I'm almost decided that it's o.k. (for *me*) - horrors, that is not what I was taught (brainwashed, lol).

Welcome, Sue, out of lurking. I hope you feel comfortable in joining in more often, and that you keep us updated.

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 7:35am
Hello, and welcome to the board. I don't have any advise. But, be careful. I know that passion and lust. It's about the only thing keeping me in an EMA.

Anyway, I basically wanted to welcome you to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 1:03pm
Thank you both for the welcomes and the replies. You know, the thing that gets me the most about this whole MM deal is that I really have no guilt about my lust. If anything I feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty!! And I really do love my husband. I don't love my ex-MM. What attracted me to him was not his good looks..he's cute, but my husband is much more good looking. It is his mind and personality. He and I went to the same University, have the same degree, we didn't know each other in school as I graduated a few years before he did, though he's 4 years older than me. He's extremely witty, very intelligent, sarcastic, and he rides dirtbikes, actually races. He's extremely charming and has a laugh that is soo cute, but in a manly way, of cource :0). He's also ex military, Navy actually, which is something I really respect, being raised in a military household. He has all the things I am very attracted to, in sharp contrast to my ex husband who was NOTHING like him. I was miserable, going through a divorce, and my MM helped me get a grip on my life in soo many ways. I am grateful for his support. We didn't become intimate until I was separated. And the first time was very unnerving for us both, but the passion was overwhelming. But I knew that I could never love him or be in a relationship with him. I didn't want to...after all, he was a cheater. If he's unfaithful to his wife, then I wouldn't be any different. So that was never an issue for me. But the simple fact that he liked me, wanted me, could make me laugh, we could and can talk about anything is what I really like. And that flames my passion more than just good looks alone. It's funny because we are both extremely cocky with eachother, I mean we slam each other left and right, like a competetion...I guess it's like a grunge thing in a way, but all the while I'm smiling and laughing inside..we both get a kick out of teasing eachother. So then I met my husband....ex military (Navy also), builds computers for a living, smart, witty, charming, rides dirtbikes and is extremely attractive. HE makes me laugh...see the pattern? Kind of scarey to me, but my husband actually loves me and cares about me. I know it. And I love him too. But he's not the same as my MM. He's not as intelligent (not saying my husband is stupid by any means, but my MM is almost genius level...he's smarter than I am!) The passion with my husband is not the same. He has a lower sex drive than I and I can't be spontaneous with him. He dosen't like to talk dirty or tease eachother, all things that get me going. So I miss those feelings and all I have to do is email my MM and I can get it. It's too tempting for me. Now, I've been to one conference already this year and it was the first time I'd seem my MM in almost 2 years. He seriously wanted to hook up, but it didn't happen. I made myself not want him. But underneith, I really did. I just want to be a good wife and person. Like I said, I've never cheated on anyone...my sexaul relationship with MM started after I was separated. And I only hooked up with him when I wasn't seeing someone else. I guess it all comes down to a choice...is it worth hurting my husband for a few hours of passion or should I just let it go? It should be an easy choice, but lust is a powerful thing..that's what I'm struggling with.