What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
What is wrong with me?
7
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 4:56am
I am not sure if this is really in the right forum since I haven't actually had an affair physically, but emotionally I sure have and I really could use some advice. I have been talking to this guy that lives about an hour and a half from me online now for almost 6 years. I never met him but I have these real strong feelings for him. We talk almost daily for at least an hour. I dream about him constantly and never have dreams about anyone else, not even husband. My husband and I act more like friends sorta. We hold hands and kiss and do little affectionate things yet, but we rarely have sex lately due to him losing his drive and me rather having the guy online, and we have don't have children to bond us together. My husband usually is busy with some project or on a business trip, so we don't spend much time together. I really do love my husband, but almost feel like we are just really close friends that have a long history and love each other more for that reason than for passion. I have talked to my husband about how I really like this guy online and how I feel about the marriage lately. My husband says our marriage is normal and it is just that we are comfortable with each other and that this happens to every couple eventually and that if I left him it would just be the same thing eventually with someone else. I really do see his point I guess..... This guy does not even know that I am married. I am sure he wouldn't even talk to me online if he knew. This is why I never told him to begin with, not to mention he's never asked in the entire 6 years we have been chatting online! I just wish I could tell him how I feel sometimes(I sorta do in little ways) but I can't because of the situation I am in and all. We flirt a lot sorta. But it's just typing. It is not like we act like a couple at all. We just sorta talk about nothing most of the time. I am addicted to him. I really wish I could be with him. Why can't you be with two people? Life is so unfair? Anyway, I act like I like him and he acts like he likes me, but we still never say anything like I like you or anything like that. We talk about sex sometimes, but I still think it is innocent flirting. I compliment him a lot cuz I can't help myself. He is going to be in a town nearby me in July for the weekend. I was thinking of just asking him if I can go there to meet him, but still not mentioning the married part. He has not once asked to meet me either! My friend thinks if I do this, I might get over him and move on with my life since she swears most people don't like the person they liked online after meeting anyway because it is a huge fantasy and then when u see reality, it is completely different and not ideally what u expected. Then again, what if I fall for him even harder? Or maybe he knows already that I am married somehow since he never has asked us to meet before. I have no idea. He never mentioned it, but he knows my name and it is by my husband's in the phone book. Not to mention he must wonder how I have real good insurance and have plenty of money to buy things with being laid off and all. I just feel like my feelings are more towards a guy I never even met than for my own husband. But yet if this guy I talk to wasn't around, maybe the relationship with my husband could improve? I don't think divorce is the answer over someone I never even met. I might not even find him attractive. Sure pictures help, but only so much. I never even heard his voice before and who knows, maybe he wouldnt like me or find me attractive or would dissapprove of the situation I was in even if I did decide divorce was an option. My husband accepts me no matter how I am. He is always there if I need him. He is very handy and sweet. We are like best friends if anything else. I would hate to hurt him or lose him. I am still in love with him deep down but this is stressing me out. I feel very in love with the guy I never met online and this has been like this for years! I have been holding in these feelings for so long. I can't seem to get this other guy off of my mind. So many questions, I feel so silly. I don't know how this happened. What would you do in this situation? Or tell me what u think. Thank you!


Edited 5/26/2004 5:55 am ET ET by outofcontrol_wi
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:52am
Just wanted to leave you a quick note to let you know I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'm a MW and was in a LD Emotional (non-physical) A with a MM for nearly a year. Our R began via email and chat, progressed to speaking on the phone and eventually we met in person. I also wondered if meeting him would cool my feelings for him. Nope. Just made everything stronger. In my case XMM and I were very open and honest right from the beginning. He knew I was M and I knew he was M too. It didn't stop a very intense emotional connection from forming between us. I love this man very dearly and he loves me too. But his W found out about us (several times actually) and XMM decided we should end the A so he could give his M one more chance. Like you, I do care for my H - he's a really great guy. Like you, he's more of a really great friend than anything else. We do NOT have a strong emotional connection and now that I've had XMM in my life, I realize how important this is to me. With the A over I'm trying to rebuild my M. It isn't easy. If you dig through the old posts you'll see what I've been going through - as well as many others who have been going through the same thing.

My advice to you would be to think very carefully about where things stand in your life and what you want from it. If you care for your H then I strongly suggest you talk openly with him about your feelings regarding your M. You might want to consider counseling. You may also need to cut contact with your online friend for a while. NC stinks, but it does help clarify things.

Good luck to you.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:16am
Do you think perhaps there is a possibility that your online friend may also be married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:53am
I agree with Demented, or perhaps, he's 100 years old and can barely stand up. Maybe he has a terrible physical condition that he doesn't want you to know about. Something's keeping him from asking/wanting to hook up. Don't you wonder?

I would insist on meeting him as soon as possible.

Fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 5:38pm
NO I am almost certain he is very single. Actually, it seems like he don't really date at all either. I have known him almost 6 years and he's never mentioned dating, said he was single though. Never asked me either way. I sort of have a single lifestyle with going to the bars and hanging out with friends all of the time though. My husband is gone a lot. He probably could assume I am single just the way I talk. Would really be happy if he was married. I wouldn't feel quite as crappy then. What if he was hoping we could date someday and then he finds out I am married. That would make him mad I am sure, that he wasted years and years of his life typing to me. I don't feel like it has been a waste, but he is the single one, not me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 5:46pm
Really? Even though I am married I should try to meet him as soon as possible? Should I mention that part? He might not want to meet me then. I haven't been exactly honest about my looks either. Last picture he has of me is when I was the right weight. Now I am about 25lbs over that! Sure I still have the same face. I sorta mention I am dieting and gained 20. I don't have a perfect body he probably is envisioning, that is for sure. I yo-yo diet so much that I got stretch marks. I also had my braces off and ever since, have not been able to say my S's right. It is really annoying and I am real self-conscious about it. I am worried he will make fun of it a little. He is overly smart and he says a lot of words I have no idea what the hell he is talking about. I need a dictionary sometimes to keep the conversation going. HE might not like me at all if I meet him either. I sort of mentioned that I have a certain situation I am in that I haven't told him about sort of hinting to marriage but he didn't ever guess it to be marriage. He knows I am hiding something big, but makes cracks like, your in the witness protection program? I wish that was it. Would be easier! This could be why he's never asked, cuz he sorta knows something is up. I don't think there is anything wrong with him physically. I am almost sure he is who he says he is. He don't act like he dates ever. Who would admit to that? He has activities that makes me know he can't be real old or handicapped in anyway. IF I decide to meet him, how should I ask him and go about it? What if I know someone that is at the place he is at when he is around my area? I am worried. Please give me more advice. I am going insane. =(

Edited 5/27/2004 12:01 am ET ET by outofcontrol_wi


Edited 5/27/2004 12:02 am ET ET by outofcontrol_wi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 5:49pm
Wierd how people fall in love online huh? It is just strange to me that I feel this way for a guy I never even met. It boggles my mind. I wish it would stop. I didn't want to admit it to myself for years. I would say oh it's just lust, or oh this is insane, I am thinking too much. I am going to have to read about ur experience also. I hope you are doing better than I am! This is a lot different though cuz I feel as if I am torturing myself since I can't even begin to figure out what to do. I don't even know if it is possible to do anything at all really. I really would hate to lose him as a friend to talk to online at least. I feel like just going online sometime and saying hey, I am in love with you, cant help it but there is nothing I can do about it even though I want to. And if he asks why just tell him. But then I don't think he will say anything. He will just sit there speechless cuz that is how he is. Who knows if he would even talk to me again. I wouldn't be surprised if he sorta knew, but just acted dumb about it, and didn't ask. But if I brought it up, he would act shocked and then our relationship online will never be the same again cuz he won't even flirt with me for fun. I remember once, I told him I had a boyfriend (probably 4 years ago this happened) and I said something sexual to him for like the first time it just flew out of my typing hands I guess. He was reading sex stories on the internet and gave me the links to read them too. Anyway, he got all disgusted acting and said that I should be saying stuff like that to my boyfriend and not him since my boyfriend is who I should be wanting to do that stuff with. heh well I didn't ever bring up a boyfriend again. This is why I never brought up the getting married part. I know he wouldn't wanna talk to me if he found out. And if he did, it would be boring, he would never talk about things the way he does now.

BTW, what does NC mean? Please let me know and tell me what u think people! Thanks!






Edited 5/27/2004 12:09 am ET ET by outofcontrol_wi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 4:07am
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