What is wrong with me? (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
What is wrong with me? (Long)
7
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 4:14pm
Am I crazy for wanting out of my M? I am not sure how much my EA has to do with it, but I do know that I was not happy in my M before this EA. I spoke to H about my feelings and he has been struggling with it ever since and not in a positive way. He has become very insecure and has become very suspicious of me. We have been distant for many years and until I became involved in this EA I was numb. I didn't think I could even feel anything for anyone. It's not that my H doesn't want to work on the M and get close again, I have no desire to get close to him again. If it weren't for the kids, I would leave. He refuses to raise the kids as we have been doing, as friends/roommates. He wants a W, but I don't think I can be that for him. It has been 4 yrs with no intimacy. We just grew apart and now I feel nothing for him. What a mess! My H is a good person, great father, I'm just not in love with him anymore. I thought about playing along and just sticking it out for the kids, but is that really fair to myself? I figured I could have an A and get what I was missing from my M that way. I'm not sure if I could live like that. I am so conflicted because I have someone that is willing to give me what I want, my H, but I don't want it from him. Ugh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 6:03pm

jersey... so many of us here have been/are in your shoes :)


Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Have you and H tried MC?


I understand EXACTLY what you mean about feeling "numb"...I felt the very same way up until AP and I ended (for a few months)...and I learned I can absolutely still feel! The pain was almost unbearable, then I went through a little phase where I was glad to be feeling pain rather than nothing at

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:51am
In your case Jersey, marriage counseling might help. Kimber mentioned going back in your mind to what attracted you to your H in the first place, and that's a great idea. I think they try to do that in MC. I don't blame your H for not wanting a "roommate" marriage. He needs intimacy - I'm surprised you could both go so long without it. Physical intimacy also causes more emotional intimacy so it really is necessary to at least try. If you just don't have that in you, and you're both unhappy with things the way they are, it might be time to go separate ways. But give it a good go with MC first - there really might be something there to save!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:42am
Thanks for your replies. I have suggested MC to H and he refuses.He says he doesn't want to pay someone for something we should be able to work out. When I think back to what brought us together years ago, I am not sure if I married for the right reasons. They seemed right at the time. I wanted to settle down, get married, start a family and H was a good choice for those things. The physical between us was never much to speak of. He is very conservative, I am not. I guess I figured it was okay because I had had my fun beforehand and now it was time to grow up and be an adult. I just gave away too much of myself and now I want it back.I want some balance between the life I used to have and this life. H is resistant to that because he didn't like my life before him. I know I haven't had strong feelings for him for a while now and since this EA began I have drifted even farther away to the point where I don't have feelings for him at all or maybe they are just masked because of this EA. This EA is something I don't want to give up because it feels good, even if it just stays this way. I have those feelings that I haven't felt with H in a long time. I don't want to leave because of the kids and I don't fool myself into thinking the EA will ever be anything in R life. I do think it will help me stay in my M, make it tolerable for me. I am not sure what H will decide to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 6:11pm

Hi Jerseygirl,


My situation is somewhat similar to yours. However I married at a very young age. Now

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:54pm
It's good to know I am not the only one! You are right that our situations are very similar. We're at the point now that H told me he is done trying and I am free to do what I want to do and to be discreet about it. I know he is hurting and I feel bad about that, but I am not happy and needed to express that to him. For the time being we plan to stay together and focus on the kids. We don't fight. All the kids see is their two parents there, but he and I know there is no intimacy/affection/closeness. Not sure how long this will last-it has been this way for four years now, but we never put a label on it, just accepted it as it was UNTIL I decided to speak up about how I was not happy continuing this way. I had hoped we could work to change it, but he hasn't handled it well, he can't grasp that my feelings have changed, so we can't move forward and he won't do MC. I feel stuck and frustrated and my EA let's me forget about all of that. H doesn't want to talk about it anymore and just go on. Seems like we will keep doing what we've been doing for several years now, but I no longer feel the pressure to fix things between us. Ugh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 11:50pm

I'm in the same quandry, jersey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 8:33am
JerseyGirl
I am a fellow Jerseygirl in the same situation but Im also wondering what is wrong with me for feeling the way I do and making the decisions I made.
I look back and wonder what/how I was thinking and maybe its true we grow to better understand what we really want or maybe I am just selfish, Im stuggling to figure things out.
Im starting to think that maybe other diversions from the other man or husband might be the best thing for me right now as tough as that may be. Let me know if you want to chat sometime