What's he thinking???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
What's he thinking???
4
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:15am
A few months back, a friend of mine - married, of course, had let me know that he was "drawn and attracted" to me and had been for a long time (He had used the phrase "and then you got married..." I had gotten married almost 14 years ago, my husband passed away back in 2000, so I'm thinking it's been goingo n for a long while.). Aside from his words, we exchanged several embraces and one or two wonderful kisses, ok he also grabbed my ass when he thought no one was looking and held me close at other times asking me if I was all right. No, his wife wasn't there at the time. I had a party and he came without her....he and another friend ended up speding the night. When I asked if he needed anything else, he replied, "No, do you?" I left it at that. We spoke a while later and I asked him about his wife. His reply was, "Oh, I love her......" and never finished the sentence. We turned in for the night.

The next morning, he woke me to let me know he had to leave and promised we'd finish the conversation we had astarted the night before. He had come into my room and for a while, just watched me sleep. When I tried to get up, he held my wrist down on the bed and kept it there. Allt he while he had a slightly goofy look on his face. I walked him out and we embraced again. To be honest, I didn't want him to go and wished that I had asked him to stay a while longer (or at least for another toe-curling kiss) The following month, I tried contacting him...his wife works nights and he's currently a house-husband. But everytime I called, his children were right there and he couldn't talk. At one point, I asked him to meet me for lunch so we can talk. He called that morning saying (whispering) that his daughter was home sick and couldn't meet me. During earlier conversations I tried to let him off the hook by suggesting that we had had too much to drink. His reply: "It wasn't that much.". So, later, I told him that I had thought about what he said, and I was curious about where we could go with this. That when we kissed and he held me, it didn't feel like it was wrong - it felt natural and right. I said that I just wanted to tell him that. I didn't try to contact him after he cancelled our lunch. He could never call or email me - long distance and his accounts are all family ones - he had virtually no privacy.

Flash forward 4 months....

Another friend of mine had a poker party and we were both there. My MM brought his wife and one of his children with him. We sat next to each other all night across from his wife. While we were sitting there, our legs were almost constantly in touch (At one point, I was even rubbing his leg with mine) he was putting a lot of pressure at times - not pushing me away though. Usually, he talks to me, asking how I've been, what have I been up to...this time - nothing aside from mild flirting and wise-ass remarks. At one point, he went upstairs to use the bathroom, and I went up a few minutes later. When he came out, he walked right past me, not saying a word or even looking at me, until we were back downstairs. Then he'd be staring into my eyes, leaning towards me, etc. When he and his family left, he said goodnight to the host and another person, he didn't come near me or the person I was talking to....he just gave a backhand wave and said good-night.

I am so frustrated and confused - I don't know what to think.... He approached me! I had time to think it over and I liked the idea of the two of us - I know he's not happy in his marriage. We've been friends forever. I even asked him if he had changed his mind (about his feelings for me) the next morning and on the phone. The worst he said was, "No, not really."

I've had no closure about this. I have no idea what he was looking for - just sex, or something more. I didn't/don't want a completely sexual realtionship with him - I can get that anywhere. This is someone I could really see myself with (Which I also know is statistically unrealistic). Part of me wants to call him and say "I want to talk - face to face." The other part of me is afraid of ruining the friendship we've had for so many years and doesn't want to do anything....


Can I get some possible insights as to what he's thinking? Or what I should do? Or even a smack off-side the head....?

Sorry this thing is so long and probably very confusing (It's after 1am here and I had had day surgery earlier today...I'm wiped out but I had to get this out - I didn't know where else to turn....)

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:07am
I'm not sure really what to say, but it sounds like he was being overly flirtatious with you during your earlier encounters, but when you "flash forwarded" four months, it sounds like maybe he's having second thoughts about having an A. If he walked by you without speaking or left the poker party without saying goodbye, it just sounds like his intentions may have changed. Or, at the very least, he may have been acting strange because his wife and child were there at the party, too. You may want to talk to him if you are that interested in starting an A with him, but if you are concerned about ruining a friendship, that conversation may damage it as well. Follow your heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:31pm
Thank you for your reply. "Follow my heart...." Frankly, my heart is as messed up as my head. My heart says to call him, to not call him, to have a cookie, to wait a bit and see what's what.......

I did try calling him this morning and got the answering machine. Then it hit me: What if his W answered? What would I have said? Then I spent the rest of the day kicking myself....

I did give theidea of an A a lot of thought (That's what part of those previous 4 months were about), that and waiting to see what (if anything) would happen. During the party, I mentioned about a date I was on (18 years ago!) as an anecdote - he heard the words "out withthis guy...." and I swear, his head couldn't have whipped around fast enough. Back to the confusion. I know that there are other men I could get involved with, many of them NOT married....I just don't feel "that way" with them....which makes this all the more confusing - all the other MM I know that have approached me, I always ran the other way...now, I want to run towards (and probably chasing him away in the process)........never could get those relationship things right....

Anyway, thank you for your insight....I really value it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:57pm
Well, I called him tonight.

And got even less answers than before.

He couldn't talk long - one of his dd came down and "couldn't" go back to bed. (Happens every time the phone rings at night) I told him I noticed we didn't have a chance to talk on Saturday and was curious about it. He acknowledged the fact and we tried to talk about what has been going on in our lives - that's when his dd came into the room. He had to go and asked me if there was anything in particular I wanted to talk about. I said, "Yes, but I don't know if YOU want to talk about it" Immature I know, but he said if he could, he'd call me back. And no, I'm NOT holding my breath.

I hope he does, but wont be surprised if he doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:33am
I know how hard it is to be with a MM....frustrating to say the least. It seems that the majority of them don't want to let their guard down (I wish mine would once in a while). I hope your MM calls you back...you deserve some insight and some answers. Good luck with it and keep us posted. You are in my thoughts.