What's he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
What's he thinking?
13
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 6:58pm
Hi all

I have had this on going email thing with a MM. Sometimes is gets very steamy but he has no interest in taking it to the next level. I should count my blessing because I know it would end in disaster. My question is....what is his continued fasination? I mean really...you can only cover the same topics so many times. However, when I try NC it is evident...he doesn't want me to go away. Any ideas what he may be experiencing?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 7:05pm

I presume by the next level... you mean physical???


if your relationship only exists in email... maybe he is using you as a fantasy... it can be fun to fool around online in emails and chat... without someone wanting to take it any further... it can just simply an escape from reality.


He may think of having an affair... but in the real world... not go there.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:28pm
Thanks for responding sweet.

Yes I was referring to the next level as physical. We have always made it clear that the line will never be crossed. However, he certainly seems to enjoy testing me. Always fun and light hearted. If he gets me to the edge where I could possibly fall and give in, he will say he can't do it. There really isn't and never will be any "relationship" so to speak. Anything I could possibly want from him I can never have. Could it simply be that all I am is a huge boost to his ego and nothing more? If so....how long can it go on? I would think he would become bored with me by now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:44pm
Based on what you've written, I'd say he simply enjoys exchanging steamy emails with a regular email buddy - or buddies, you may not be the only one. And he has zero interest in it being anything other than an online fantasy. And when you try NC and he doesn't want you to go away, it's probably because he sees it as a rejection and some men simply can't handle being rejected - not even in online fantasy relationships. Yes, of course it's stroking his ego to have you writing him steamy emails. If you're merely doing it for him, and aren't getting too much out of the steamy emails yourself - then stop!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:48pm
Thinkingtomuch,

I'm mostly on the ending affair board now, but felt I had to post to you. I had an e-mail thing with OM for about 4 months. It would get very steamy. I would tell him I wanted it to go further and he would always say I was all talk. I would suggest FWB and he would say, oh and how would that work. Basically, he acted like there was no way he or I would ever cross that line. I began feeling like I was just something to keep him from getting bored at work. So, one day I e-mailed him that I needed to talk to him in person. He suggested just meeting at his work after hours and sitting in my car. I said, no that won't work, why don't we meet for a drink somewhere. He said he had guests coming over and he was busy. So I said, well I guess I got my answer then. So then he says he can get away from his guests by 8 if that would work. I said yes. He asked for my cell and he said he would call. He called, we met at his place. He said what did you want to talk about. I said I want to know if you only want this to be an e-mail thing. He got up came over to me and planted the best kiss on my mouth. I had not kissed another man but my H in over 25 years. Well it got physical for about 1/2 hour. It was so exciting. I never received another steamy e-mail from him again. I have never figured out why except he told me once he got too attached to me after that night. It was never much fun again. My advice to you is...enjoy the e-mail thing, it's exciting and an escape from reality, the day to day boredom of life. Be careful for what you wish for wanting it to go to the next level, thinking it could be better. It may be best this way. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:39pm
thinking...I can sort of relate to what you're experiencing...although my situation HAS reached a physical level. I've been in a FWB type of arrangement for 6 months, but we've been close friends for 3 years before it reached this point. I too, have been wondering to myself..."when is he gonna get bored with this?" The reason I ask that is because we have NOT had intercourse yet...and I'm fairly certain that we never will. We mainly keep things "fun and lighthearted" too...a little oral, some spanking, hand jobs, some anal play with toys and such (but no anal sex). But I'm always thinking how long will this last. Isn't he bored with doing the same stuff every time..never taking things to the next level? For some reason, he believes that the act of intercourse (including anal) would be "crossing the line"...LOL...as if we haven't already crossed the line!!! So, of course I'm trying to respect his wishes and not push the issue too much.

I would have to agree with you in that I do think it's a huge boost for his ego. Obviously we are fulfilling some kind of 'void' that is present in our MM's life, otherwise why would they keep pursuing it? And I loved your comment about how your MM "seems to enjoy testing" you...couldn't have said it any better. My MM tries to push me right to the edge (almost to the point of intercourse) but then he will say "No, we can't, that would be bad". It's SOOOOOOOO frustrating!!! Anyway...not much in the way of help, I guess...just wanted to let you know you're not alone. =)

Bfly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:41am
Thanks for responding,

If is interesting how similar our situations are. He has skirted around the idea that other forms of play are acceptable except actual intercourse. As you said...like the line hasn't been crossed already. Another poster suggested that if it is only for his benefit to stop. I have had fun and enjoyed his attention as well, however, the frustation is building and beginning to drive me nuts. What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:55am
I don't understand how you girls can be satisfied with this "Bill and Monica" thing of just giving bj's, oral, etc. without going all the way, IC.

I would be way too frustrated if MM denied me that, I need to be fulfilled as a woman and playing games like that would not last long with me!! Its all the way or NO WAY with me!!

JMHO

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:07am
thinking you must stop if its not going any further. However I would not jump into conclusions about "what he is thinking" until I ask him personally what the deal is with denying IC. I personally think there is nothing wrong with it if you are happy with it, but if you are not, just drop it. What there to loose, it not like you have emotions involved here. You can find plenty of others to fulfill the urge... Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:14am
Hi Dusty,

That is just my point. He has implied that almost anything is ok except intercourse. I have let him know that I don't have the control to fool around and not have IC. I agree with what you have stated. It appears that somehow some men justify this by no IC as being faithful. Go figure?? Anyhow, I am very frustrated and maybe should end it.





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:32am
They are just trying to fool themselves, they have already "cheated" and don't want to admit it. These are the type of guys that if they do go all the way, they might feel really guilty and then it will be NC for you.

I don't know, but personally I don't have time for games. I mean sure, sexual banter and playing around is nice, but I want it to result in something. I am honest enough to myself to admit that.

I just think if you're satisfied with that okay, great. But if its not satisfying to you and stops being fun and is just frustrating, maybe it is time to move on. No one knows except you, whats the right thing to do. You will feel it in your heart.

Dusty
xxxx

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