what's the value of telling all?

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
what's the value of telling all?
12
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 11:35pm
This is my current issue. My Om told my h that we've had sex, I denied and was fairly convincing that om was lying. I've chatted with my counselor and she thinks I should just own up to it. I can see value in telling, but at the same time, know that telling h that bit would really hurt him, more than anything else. I've wavered back and forth, to tell him, to not tell him. If I tell him, the whole planet will know, he'll make sure of that. I'd rather everyone didn't know that I had a lapse of judgement less than a handful of times....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2009
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 4:57am
Only you can decide if you should tell him or not. I would suggest that if you have no intention of leaving your M and want to make sincere efforts to stay, there is no real need to tell. There is no real benefit from letting the whole world know and it doesn't matter much in the long run. But, if you are contemplating a D then its different. Why did the counselor think you should tell him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 6:29am

I think you should tell your husband. HE has a right to know. ...1. so he can check his health and 2. decide if he really wants to continue this marriage. He has a right to happiness just like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 6:33am
what about his health???? What about HIS rights??
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 6:41am

If there are any health concerns then you need to tell him.

But if that is not a worry and you want to stay M then I'd say carry this burden of guilt and remorse to your grave. Let it fuel your efforts to improve your M. JMHO!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 11:41am

You might wish to post on the life after betrayal board, faith.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 5:09pm

You are welcome to read, but not to post.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 5:14pm

This board is a support community for members who


Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 11:09pm

faith,

I've spent most of the past 2 days reading on the marriage builders website. It has TONS of info, and I think you'll find it beneficial as well. Lots of marriages can be healed after infidelity. I don't think mine can, but not because of the infidelity, rather for other reasons.

I will talk further with my counselor about how/what to tell him. She has asked me to do some homework regarding it, so I'm working on that now, partially with this thread, and we'll discuss it when we get together next. My h is coming to that session, so it will probably be revealed at that time and I can just wait for an explosive fall out.

I'm truly kicking myself for not getting out of my marriage a LONG time ago because now, it looks like I want out because of the A. the A did shine new light on old problems, but it most certainly didn't create those problems. I'm glad that I found Marriage Builders, too, because that is full of tools I'll use in future relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 11:27pm
If you are not planning to stay in the marriage, I would caution against telling all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2009
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 11:48pm
I have to tell you my H knows and we are working thrue it some of my family knows and it stinks. My friend is going threw it and my best advice is deny deny deny

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