what's wrong with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2003
what's wrong with me
1
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 11:57am
This may take a minute:

I have been having trouble in my marraige from the beginning. I was alway very passive in my marraige and put up with crap most people wouldn't. My husband was violent at times, selfish and angry. He quit his job out of nowhere, got another, and again quit. I have suffered from depression over half my life and this marraige was very hard on me. After about a week or so of just going to work and coming home to hide out in the bedroom all night, barely eating, (one of the worst episodes I've ever had) he wasn't trying to help me at all.

I started talking to a coworker, flirting, and then to more serious encounters. I would meet him on his lunch hour, (he's on another shift) this went on, on and off for around 2 months. He was aware of my marraige problems and I of his. But I told him I was only interested in sex, and he told me that he would never leave his wife. This was before we got sexually involved. I started feeling more confident and more outspoken to my H. I told him I was no longer going to stand for his BS, that was not how a marraige was supposed to be. He began to change and since then, our marraige has been great.

But at the same time, I found myself being more erratic with my behavior. I went out a couple of times with some girlfriends and ended up doing things with other men. I didn't have sex with any of them, I was just fooling around. I also was becoming more attached to MM emotionally. I was very hurt to find out that he was also involved with 2 other women from his shift. I backed off from him, but never told him why. I was the one who said I didn't want anything serious. After it was over, about 3 weeks later, I found out that there was a rumor going around about us. The fact is, that he and are still friends, we do talk about the same things that we did before the affair.

The problem is that even though I made the decision to end the affair and now that my marraige is surviving, (I think my H woke up from the deep depression and my total attitude change) I can't seem to stop cheating in one way or another. It's a possibility that if MM wanted me back, I would become involved with him. Otherwise than him, every other encounter has been when I was drinking. I suppose the easy solution would be to quit drinking? But I know it will no completely end it. My last encouter was with a woman that I work with and I am still thinking about her and want to see her again. I don't think my H would be as angry about the woman thing, just angry about not telling him about it. I am very confused. Where do I go from here?

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 1:01pm

Well....