What's your definition of "cake eater"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
What's your definition of "cake eater"?
53
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:05am

...and by your definition, are you one? Is your AP one?

My definition of "cake eater" is a married person, having no plans to leave their marriage, having a relationship with someone else, and liking to have both relationships. There are no talks of "being together" in the other extra-marital relationship (OR, there IS talk, but to the cake eater married person, this talk is just that - talk. They are saying the words because they want to keep the other person in the R and have no real plans to ever leave the marriage, no matter what they say).

There are some married people here who have admitted that they told their "other person" they were more unhappy in their marriages than they really were, and talked about leaving when they had no intention of doing so.

In my definition of "cake eater", the cake eater can have a very loving and affectionate R with their OP, but they just don't ever plan on leaving their spouse - they want both.

I admit I'm a cake eater. I've been nothing but honest with my OM about that. He has no expectations of me leaving my H. What we have seems to be enough for him; he thinks of it as a relationship, not an affair. (I know, it IS an affair, but to him it's a quirky relationship).

Do any of you worry that your AP might be a cake eater pretending to be otherwise? Are any of you happy cake eaters? (like me LOL)

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008

I am curious.

What would you call a single person having an A with married person??

A person who is taking advantage of the vulnerability of the married person or someone who ____________ ?? I would love to see the blank filled in here.Or someone who has fallen for them but cake eaters are taking advantage of them skillfully and leading them on as long as you can? Come on now, admit.If you can admit being a cake eater,you can admit this too.

You guys dont love,you use and then complain ,huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009

Lexi,


Just let me say that you are awesome.. keep them questions coming.


AP and I had a phase in the beginning, the fog months, where we talked about this time and space where we'd be together.. then the fog cleared -thank God- and realized no one is going anywhere.. where we are now is that we enjoy a friendship and PA that is very satisfying.. we know that we are there for each other as friends and lovers.. and it DOES help us to be better people at home - when you can talk your frustrations out and have a good, satisfying time, going home and facing the music feels much more managable for both of us--..


So.. does that make us cake-eaters.. big time!.. but we are very grateful cake-eaters.. we both feel lucky that we are in each other's lives.. why do i say that.. well, Duchovny said that, after his therapy, he's now at a point, where he doesn't feel entitled or deserving of all the things that come his way, but that he feels grateful.. we never felt entitled.. just grateful and blessed.. from day one..


I think it is OK to be a cake-eater as long as you don't feel this is something you "deserve".. plus, As are such big challenges that you rarely feel that there is a lot of cake to go around.. a lot of times it is mostly humble pie!!!


---

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

I think you know a lot, guy or not. :-)

I only asked what YOUR definition of cake eater is MPV. And, by your definition, are you one? Is your AP one? It seems that you define cake eater as someone who is having more than one SEXUAL R, and wants to keep having both. But I think a married person could be having sex with his/her spouse and having an emotional affair with an A/P (no sex) and still be a cake eater. To me, a cake eater is someone who has a "romantic" sort of relationship with two people and wants to keep both. OK sometimes the R with the spouse is not romantic, but it's implied as one, at least to the spouse, just by the fact that they're married.

Your definition is different, and by yours, you are not a cake eater. I also know that you truly are moving toward "something more", or hoping to do so. That puts you in a different category than someone who has no such intentions.

We're just thinking out loud here and trying to sort stuff for ourselves, I think...

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

"I was a cake eater and then I gave it all up to be with AP the second time. So, was it something in ME that changed or was it something to do with my second AP?"

I'll bet it was both, fan. You may have been at a point in your marriage where you felt you weren't getting what you wanted (maybe that wasn't as true at the time of your first affair?) And then, most importantly, you met your AP, who WAS the right person for you! Whatever, it's nice that you're happy now! :-)

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

And that's a good point - cake eaters CAN still go on to real relationships - it's not impossible to finally move forward.

Some of us, like me, have no intentions to do so from the start.

I think some of us don't define the R as "cake-eating" if there are intentions to move forward into something else someday. Since there's really no clear definition of it, then they're right, for their definition.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

funky, don't leave! I like your posts. If everyone here thinks and posts the same way, there would be no variety of opinion. Who wants to go where everyone goes - "oh yeah you're right" all the time, how boring LOL. I'm just trying to get people to think about and post about their Rs, their opinions, their lives. Thrashing it all out can help many of us along the way, and at least make us think.

I could be remembering your story wrong punky, but aren't you married with a mostly FWB affair? Do you consider yourself cake eating, or do you have a different definition?

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

Awww Rayne, I'm sorry the NC didn't last for you, because you really seem to suffer with this whole thing!

Many hugs to you sweetie, and I hope you have a good weekend too!

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
I tend to agree with your definition butterfly! But I am curious how many define cake eating that way - obviously, some do not.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

I would not call someone who is single with a married person a cake eater. They, obviously, are not "having their cake and eating it too". Really, they are sharing their cake with someone else!

Not all cake eaters are taking advantage of their AP's vulnerability, or being dishonest to their AP. If they are, that's something else in their relationship they have to come to terms with - it's not a necessity for "cake eating".

I think you're assuming that all of us who claim to be cake eaters are leading our APs on or being dishonest? Few posts mentioned that. I applaud them for their honesty here. Maybe by typing it out and thinking about it, they will change their behavior in that regard.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

"I think it is OK to be a cake-eater as long as you don't feel this is something you "deserve".. plus, As are such big challenges that you rarely feel that there is a lot of cake to go around.. a lot of times it is mostly humble pie!!!"

I love this paragraph! Made me laugh at the end.

I feel the way you do, nevereasy, blessed. Sounds ridiculous, and I'm sure the lurkers from other boards would laugh at the choice of word, but that's how I feel. I have two people that I really care about, two intricate relationships, that seem to make me "whole". I just keep fingers crossed that it never blows up in everybody's face.

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You've