What's your definition of "cake eater"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
What's your definition of "cake eater"?
53
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:05am

...and by your definition, are you one? Is your AP one?

My definition of "cake eater" is a married person, having no plans to leave their marriage, having a relationship with someone else, and liking to have both relationships. There are no talks of "being together" in the other extra-marital relationship (OR, there IS talk, but to the cake eater married person, this talk is just that - talk. They are saying the words because they want to keep the other person in the R and have no real plans to ever leave the marriage, no matter what they say).

There are some married people here who have admitted that they told their "other person" they were more unhappy in their marriages than they really were, and talked about leaving when they had no intention of doing so.

In my definition of "cake eater", the cake eater can have a very loving and affectionate R with their OP, but they just don't ever plan on leaving their spouse - they want both.

I admit I'm a cake eater. I've been nothing but honest with my OM about that. He has no expectations of me leaving my H. What we have seems to be enough for him; he thinks of it as a relationship, not an affair. (I know, it IS an affair, but to him it's a quirky relationship).

Do any of you worry that your AP might be a cake eater pretending to be otherwise? Are any of you happy cake eaters? (like me LOL)

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Waiting, it could be that your AP thrives on the drama. If he hated it, I don't think he would stick around! I know a guy who left his wife because there was "too much drama" at home, and now he's with a g/f that heaps WAY more drama on him, so I can only assume he likes it, even if he protests otherwise!

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

You might be one of the lucky ones, mom. Time will tell.

And no, you're not a cake eater, not if you're single.

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009

Hi Lexione, - I totally agree with your definition of a cake eater and dont think that my AP is one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010

Hi Lexi,

I'll need to think about this more. I suppose you are right that there doesn't have to be "sex" involved, but then I'm not sure about the romantic part.

Right now, my head tells me that my AP is probably a cake eater, in a way. One minute she is making dinner for her "family" ( H and son ), the next she is sending me "I love you" texts. She was recently on a trip with her "family", but sent me some email and "I love you"s messages while she was with them. Sitting here today, I have no idea if she ever intends to leave her M, but perhaps it doesn't even matter nor does it matter if she is having sex with her H. She is clearly getting something from both relationships.

Her "family" ( H and son ) brings her comfort, as does our A. I am sure that she enjoys knowing that I am "out there" somewhere in the world feeling love and desire for her, regardless of what she gets out of her M. So maybe that is the root of it and the nature of what it means to have one's cake and eat it too; taking something from both relationships, regardless of what you give back (you may be giving back a LOT of positives).

I don't know where I stand personally, except that I do know ( to funky) that I am not the least bit proud of being involved with another man's W, or allowing myself to be emotionally involved while I am still M.

MPV
( I edited this after I posted it )




Edited 4/17/2010 4:05 pm ET by malepov
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
I sooo wish I was ! but it was my exAP who was ,unfortunately and it took me long to catch him in his game.If only I had found these boards then! But I am glad that many women who come here will see that their AP's could very well be cake eaters when they are pining their life over them.
Thanks for the eye opener!!
Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003

I think your AP is caught in the middle. I was in her shoes not all that long ago and boy, was it hard. She's trying to maintain some sort of normalcy in her marriage - perhaps it's for her son's benefit or perhaps she doesn't want her husband to be suspicious. Perhaps she does it because she's scared of what her life would be if she had a D-Day and it all fell apart. Honestly, there might be a bunch of different reasons why she's doing what she is.

I know I tried to do the double life thing for awhile. I tried to be everything to everyone to try and maintain that normalcy - both for my kids, so my husband didn't get suspicious and so everything appeared normal to the outside world. It was extremely hard to do something with my husband and girls when AP was at the front of my mind. Eventually, I think most people break down and either a) leave the marriage or b) leave the affair because maintaining both is incredibly difficult.

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Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

malepov,

I must say,you are one veeeeeeery confused guy.In one post you are dying for your AP then in another she is a liar then the best person in the world,then with daddy issues then a cake eater then you love her to death then....

There is something very missing in your posts and that is your AP's perspective about you.I would wonder if she was one of the women here? I hope not.

You seriously need therapy.Leave the poor woman alone and sought yourself out by going therapy then divorce.How old are your kids/kid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010

I really have come to enjoy your replies to me, even if just for entertainment value. I am surprised that you seem to take my comments so personally. Just remember that I am not your XAP.

Of course I am confused at times; I am a MM involved in an A with a MW. I don't think I am any more or less confused than many of the women here, but I do my best not to judge anyone's situation. We are all struggling in our own ways; except for you apparently.

I really am sorry that my posts affect you so. It's not intentional.

MPV
(edited after posting)




Edited 4/17/2010 4:08 pm ET by malepov
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010

Thanks for the perspective fan -- I think (hope?) thats exactly where my AP is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

"Quite a role-reversal here -- the male being strung along by his female AP " LOL ! You are also M and your AP is also married so how is she stringing you along?

Thanks for the laugh !

"only words that she thinks I want to hear to keep me interested." huh? Arent you doing the same as you too are married ?? Crazy!