What's your definition of "cake eater"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
What's your definition of "cake eater"?
53
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:05am

...and by your definition, are you one? Is your AP one?

My definition of "cake eater" is a married person, having no plans to leave their marriage, having a relationship with someone else, and liking to have both relationships. There are no talks of "being together" in the other extra-marital relationship (OR, there IS talk, but to the cake eater married person, this talk is just that - talk. They are saying the words because they want to keep the other person in the R and have no real plans to ever leave the marriage, no matter what they say).

There are some married people here who have admitted that they told their "other person" they were more unhappy in their marriages than they really were, and talked about leaving when they had no intention of doing so.

In my definition of "cake eater", the cake eater can have a very loving and affectionate R with their OP, but they just don't ever plan on leaving their spouse - they want both.

I admit I'm a cake eater. I've been nothing but honest with my OM about that. He has no expectations of me leaving my H. What we have seems to be enough for him; he thinks of it as a relationship, not an affair. (I know, it IS an affair, but to him it's a quirky relationship).

Do any of you worry that your AP might be a cake eater pretending to be otherwise? Are any of you happy cake eaters? (like me LOL)

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

Thanks for the compliment alive. :-)

And I hope things do work out for you. You are right that the fact your AP has to move gives you a sort of built in time-line. If he allows his W to move there with him, you will know what to do - I can't imagine you actually moving there if he stays married at that point! If there were no move, it would be a lot easier to keep upping the time-line and going with the flow.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
I love your posts MPV. As you're working out everything in your own head and writing about it, I think a lot of us are learning things about ourselves and our own situations also. Prime example of all of us learning from each other! Keep thinking and posting.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Just to make it clear... there will be NO move on my part without a divorce... I may be crazy for being in this but I am not TOTALLY insane! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
I'm sorry that happened to you heissick. I don't know if you've ever told your story. You should post it sometime, I'm interested in what happened. How are you doing now?

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

But fan - how long were you doing the "double life" with your xAP/BF? In MPV's case, it's been five years, so I think he's questioning how long it will be going on.

I can also identify with his AP, but my OM always knew I wasn't leaving and has actually been the one to refuse to do some things because it was "too dangerous" for me. In his mind, if we got caught it would most likely be the end of "us" so he does everything he can to protect my M. Strange but true...

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
I don't think MPV needs therapy any more than any of us heissick LOL. He never called his AP a liar that I saw. He's just questioning what he's doing and what's going on with her, much like all of us here with our relationships.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

"Quite a role-reversal here -- the male being strung along by his female AP -- and ladies believe me, the hurt is just as deep."

I agree, it would hurt no matter who you were. And if it seems like there are more women getting "strung along", it's probably because more women are likely to be on IVillage, that's all.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010

I'm just responding to the idea in some earlier posts that some APs say anything to keep the A going, while the really have no intention of leaving/ending their marriages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Thats true I'm sure........except some women on these boards
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007

LOL !

How about believing that your AP thinks the same as you " and for me I mean it, and will take steps in that direction soon........but I may be deluding myself that she'll do the same." You need to have an open and honest communication with her.

There is mistrust on your part and who knows if she doesnt trust you as well??

P.S : If she-is-sick ,why do you want to be together with a sick woman?