What's your definition of "cake eater"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
What's your definition of "cake eater"?
53
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:05am

...and by your definition, are you one? Is your AP one?

My definition of "cake eater" is a married person, having no plans to leave their marriage, having a relationship with someone else, and liking to have both relationships. There are no talks of "being together" in the other extra-marital relationship (OR, there IS talk, but to the cake eater married person, this talk is just that - talk. They are saying the words because they want to keep the other person in the R and have no real plans to ever leave the marriage, no matter what they say).

There are some married people here who have admitted that they told their "other person" they were more unhappy in their marriages than they really were, and talked about leaving when they had no intention of doing so.

In my definition of "cake eater", the cake eater can have a very loving and affectionate R with their OP, but they just don't ever plan on leaving their spouse - they want both.

I admit I'm a cake eater. I've been nothing but honest with my OM about that. He has no expectations of me leaving my H. What we have seems to be enough for him; he thinks of it as a relationship, not an affair. (I know, it IS an affair, but to him it's a quirky relationship).

Do any of you worry that your AP might be a cake eater pretending to be otherwise? Are any of you happy cake eaters? (like me LOL)

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010

Good point about believing in her....I'm trying very hard to do that!!


She's not sick.......I was just trying to add some levity to the situation...and I'm sorry that your situation turned that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003

AP/BF and I weren't together long before I decided to walk away.

I was actually speaking about my 1st affair that went on for a few years. I did everything in my power during that affair to maintain normalcy. We went on vacations as a family, out to dinner, etc. It was a struggle though because I would be on vacation with my family and think "Wow. I really wish AP and I could do this or that" or whatever. I know that I did it because I wasn't ready to leave my marriage (for a lot of reasons) and I wasn't ready to leave my AP behind either. It's very tough. I do think for most people a point comes where they have to choose one side or the other because leading the double life is emotionally draining.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2009

I would like to know why single APs can't be "cake eaters" too.


Single APs may be particularly attracted to unavailable

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
S AP's can be called home-wreckers , taking advantage of the poor state of a marriage or a willing partner for fun in a happy marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003

I don't really know that I have my own definiton of "cake eater"; never given it any thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
I think AP and I are both "cake eaters" in the sense neither of us is planning to leave of M's. Children are involved on both sides and both of us have been M a long time. We enjoy each other and are GRATEFUL as another poster put it about what little time we do have together. Like Lexi, I also feel VERY blessed... he adds incredible dimensions to my already full life, and I appreciate him so much for that :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
I was wondering...can you both start off as cake eaters and then change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010

I suppose if the single person is using vulnerable married people, and seeing more than one at a time, unbeknownst to all of them, they might be considered a "cake-eater". And actually I have experience with someone just like that (although I considered him a "player"). But really, I don't think there are that many in that category, although you're right, it's a possibility.

You see, a "cake-eater" might be very honest and upfront that they're not going to leave their primary relationship, and they might actually care about their AP. A "player", in my mind, is lying about both his/her feelings and about their other relationships - a married one claiming they'll be leaving their marriage, a single one not letting on about other relationships. I think of those types of single people as "players" because it's a more sinister sort of definition.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Yes you can start off one way and end up another way. I've seen that around here many times! However, being in love doesn't mean you're not a cake eater. A cake eater simply wants both relationships - they might actually love both partners - and they have no intention of letting either relationship go. If your AP still plans to keep both you and his marriage, he's a cake eater, at least IMO.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010

**post removed**