when is the breakin' point???!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
when is the breakin' point???!!!
5
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:20am
i have been seeing this om for about 11 months . in december i wrote him a goodbye letter telling him my feelings for him and i could not go on "sharing" him with his girlfriend. he has had a girlfriend for almost 3 years and he lives with HER 3 children. he read the letter and responded with a response that of course i was not expecting . he told me to give him a little time to get his sh*t together and he was going to leave her to start a real relationship with me .he said it will be hard for her kids to accept right away so he has to move slow so they don't get hurt. that was before xmas. now it is april 2 and he is still living with her !!! i have even tried to persuade him to leave her by going out with my ex on occasions trying to prove to him i am not going to wait forever. and for a while it worked , he was getting nervous and defensive and knocking on my door proclaiming his love for me , writing me letters and poems . well i don't know what has happened , maybe because i vowed to be faithful to him ( what a joke , me being faithful to him but him NOT being faithful to me since he is still with his girl) he must now think he's got me tight and i am not going anywhere. he's been kind of distant- i don't know if it is just me but i haven't really heard him say he loves me or how he can not wait to be with me. that used to be an everyday topic with him. now all of a sudden its no more! when we make love i tell him i love him and he doesn't respond. when i ask him about his "new" attitude he says that it's my insecurities that make me feel like he's changed , he says he does have all those feelings but he chooses not to show them . i am just hurt - i am sooooo in love with this man - i want him to be ALL MINE . don't get me wrong , he does come see me everyday and spends sufficient amout of time with me but it's not the same. he says he is considerate of my feelings that is why he tries his best to spend enough time with me so i am not hurt . i just don't know if he really loves me or this is all part of the game. how much longer should i wait ? or should i not wait at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:52am
just bumpin to the top to get some feedback! thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:37am
I understand the difficulty for your OM to leave with the children involved. But you have the right to expect a real relationship and not an ongoing A. Unfortunately, if he can't provide you with that, you may have to move on. I don't like ultimatums, but this situation may call for one. You already told him you couldn't wait forever and he already made you a promise that he has yet to follow through on. I think it is time to tell him exactly what you want if he plans on having a R with you. Give him a date and tell him if he doesn't move out and commit to you by then, you will have to end things with him. Just seeing other people isn't enough. As you said, he already feels like he's got you. I know this is harsh and I hope he wakes up and realizes what he has in you. But you have to be fair to yourself either way.

Good luck and take care of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:41am
I agree with what Omaha had to say, but I was struck by one thing you said.

"he chooses not to share those feelings."

Do you really want to be with someone who chooses _not_ to share that he cares?

Good luck, either way.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:48am
Don't wait! Don't wait!! Move on honey!! Find someone you can share with no one. This man is 1) not married to her and 2) those aren't even his kids. If he's that unhappy, he doesn't have that much holding him back... Leave, there was too much blaming on his side for my comfort level. Everything was 'because of you' or 'only for your benefit'. LEAVE!

Ok, only if you want to though. :-) I know it's hard when you're in love. Find a way to be happy!

good luck

Sujata

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:29pm
"hello? kettle? this is the pot. you're black."


Hmm. Well, irony of ironies I'm about to suggest that someone drop a man similar to me...

I am in a VERY similar situation. I am a MM who has assured my OW I would be moving in with every intention of following through. I'm hoping she doesn't take my comments to you as advice for her...

If I weren't married with legalities involved, I'd be gone (I think... LOL.)

If I were single, unhappy, living with a GF w/ 3 kids that weren't mine... wow, I'd have been gone a while ago.

But... I agree with the other posters. If he isn't really communicating feelings, and didn't really talk about a more progressive relationship until you said goodbye, and only seems to react to threats and discomfort... I don't know that I'd be counting on anything from him. It's sounds suspiciously like you are more of an escape for him than anything else.

rain