When do you end it?
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| Fri, 04-23-2010 - 11:47pm |
Hi all
I have been having a great affair for 1 year. First few months were magical, since then though he has been feeling increasingy guilty and his business has picked up. He has ended it twice- only to restart within a few days. He used to say he loves me and sees a future for us, but reality is we dont really want to cause that much pain to our families. As part of his guilt stuff- he wants us to stop talking about emotions and future.
So we now have a much 'lighter' version of the affair. He wanted us only to talk once a week but he calls/texts most days. We catch up for lunch/coffee most weks and we play when we can. I have been through hell and back the last 5 mths. The first broke up crushed me, the second one was bad but not AS bad, now I feel that part of my love for him has died. Without all the sweet loving words, it certainly has become more about our friendship and mutual chemistry.
So... I feel ok with this and I certainly dont check my ph or think about his as much. But would you be ok with this? Would you feel that the forced death of the LOVE AFFAIR (ie due to his guilt) is really when it should have ended for good?r would you be ok with this fwb relationship with a focus on friendship. He still tells me I am beautiful and occasionally slips into sweet talk before he physically pulls himself back....
What are you thoughts girls?

guy here with the SAME situation in terms of my MAP. for us, it worked better because keeping it at that intensity would have had us eventually end up at a really, really
Like any other relationship, you end it when you don't want to be in it anymore. No need to drag it on and on when it doesn't make you happy.
XOXO
Gone
I agree- the moment its 51% unhappy- thats the time to end it. Its when it hovers I think around 50/50 that it becomes hard to decide what to do.
But thankyou nevereasy for your words. That was very comforting to me actually. I agree that the initial intensity is fantastic but has to burn out sometime. Otherwise families get broken apart, people make rushed and endorphin-fuelled decisions. So I guess on that score I am satisfied that those heady days had to come to an end for all our sakes.
He has struggled more than me with the concept of haviong an affair and cheating on partners. He morally hates it and has tried to end it- but has returned.
We are both happy with our friendship and the PA. We are 'happy' with the emotional part and both make a real effort to never say anythng about feelings or the future. I am happy with this now- took me a while- but I am. Id rather have this than nothing, and I am also a realist in that the odds of us EVER being together in RL are slim to nil. So I guess I am a cake-eater in that I have my family and a non-pressured enjoyable 'friendship' on the side. But we both are very clear about the situation so I am comfortable that neither of will be hurt if/when our friendship ends.
Thanks for listening xx
I agree with you in your assessment, stronger... just two points that i am thinking of as i read your lines..
one.. you won't have "nothing" if you leave him.. just as you had this relationship, you can choose to pursue another one.. trust me on that one..
two.. the morally hating thing.. i personally find it disrespectful and selfish, not the feeling part but acting on it time and again and making you suffer for his emotional shortcomings in maturity. how so?.. well, either you decide this is the path you will take and cross the line, and once in the kitchen, deal with the heat (like a man, pardon the pun!), or have the courage to not even enter this knowing what you are capable of and not capable of handling.. he may have emotional challenges, but it is not fair for you to suffer them time and again.. you kept your end of the bargain, so should he.. i am personally challenged by my discretion every day, but i think it is my cross to bear, and make it my business.. not a shared one.. what i tell my AP is exactly this.. it helps she feels the same way..
again..just some thoughts..
I hear you never! It amazes me that he feels too guilty to have the emotional part we enjoyed but he is ok with the sex part. Interesting huh.
But it actually helps me a little. I was so in love with him I actually thought about how I could make this work in RL. Now I am seeing more and more of his personality, it helps me to keep it in perspective. He isnt the end-all and be-all that I thought he was - so its actually good to see his 'faults'.
I am at a point now where the affair is just fwb and I am ok with it- at the moment. Maybe that will change over time ...
GS
You know...this is an interesting thing because I'd been worried my AP was getting weird on me and might end things and I was terrified. However - today was HIS d-day. He did not tell his W the whole truth, thankfully, and will probably get away with it when it's all said and done (although if she checks the cell phone bills - it's all over). He goes out of town to WI a lot for business and that's usually when we would talk or sometimes get together but now, I don't think I'll even try and meet him for a long time now.
Two weeks ago, I would have been devastated at not seeing him but now? I'm just crapping twinkies for ME. He's talking about how a D wouldn't be so bad and we could be together and I thought I wanted that for months, but now that it's here - I'm not so sure. My H and I have virtually NO sex life so that's how I met this guy but in this strange way, I am the one ready to end things. I have always said I would not leave my H because my child is fairly young and my H and I DO get along just fine, it's the sex thing that's bad on HIS part, not mine.
Guess what I'm saying is......sometimes we make our A seems so romantic and feel we would be crushed if it ended. But when you're close to being caught and you don't want to be - you feel differently. My AP and I are in no-contact mode right now and honestly...I'd be fine if we decided to end it. The fear that runs through my body - not so much at the prospect of being found out but deeply hurting my H, is what is making me strong. My H is a good guy, he just doesn't care for sex all that much. I guess I needed this jolt for me to realize it.
Hi Cadreaming
Thanks for that post. I agree- I had totally romanticised this man and felt totally in love. But I have got to know him better and if he were to pressure me to leave my H- Id say no. I am comfortable with where we are- maybe frustrated and disappointed some days. But the realioty is this WILL end one day- and I think I have reached an emotional point where I would be sad of couirse- bit not completely shattered like I was the first time he ended it.
Like you, I am at a point where I realise I love my H (the sex is not there at all) and I will be with him forever (happily). Right now my AP fills a void but it really is only temporary and I have come to accept that.
Thanks again