Seems like I spend so much time lately in a state of absolute confusion. I know now, in spite of all my brave talk, I fooled around and fell in love. How absolutely mind-blowing stupid is that? MM is going through a really bad time with W -- apparently their relationship has always been boiling hot or freezing cold (neither good). I'm trying to be understanding, to be there for him, to give him the support he needs... but it is just killing me. We worked together on Sunday, but H was there so we were very well behaved. Monday morning he called me to let me know he was leaving the hotel. Says "I love you -- do you believe me?" Of course, I said yes although I'm still struggling with that. I asked him to please call sometime during the day so I wouldn't worry (the trip home was 8 hours). He said "I'll call just because I love to hear your voice." So... no call, no show last night. Still no show no call today. And I have absolutely no way to check on him to make sure he's okay. I know he loves his wife, I know I'll always love him more than he cares for me... but now I'm questioning every minute we're together. I'm sure you can guess this isn't the first time I've been "stood up" so to speak. I always knew I'd be a low priority for him, but I'm wondering how much my ego can stand being the last priority for him. He's so good at acting like nothing is going on between us -- I can barely keep my hands off him. He's so great at compartmentalizing our relationship -- I think of him every minute of the day. I know that when he does finally call, I'll just forget how I'm feeling now and not mention it at all. Being subservient and needy is new to me, and not very palatable. Maybe this thing just isn't good for me. I certainly don't recognize myself these days. At least not as anyone I like. And yet he brings out something in me I didn't even know existed. When we were first together, I wrote a song, which said (in part)..
"I don't always act the way I did tonight
But lyin' in your arms just felt so right
Through your eyes I see
The woman locked in me
(and) With your touch I long to lose the fight
Sometimes life is fair
But mostly not I find
I know I'll only hold you
For a moment's time
And if that's how it must be
I'll hold this memory
For when darkness is the only friend in sight
You'll touch my heart and hold my body
Then you'll say goodbye
It's not the way I want it
But we only own tonight
Just breath my name again
I'll smile and pretend
(that) My heart's not breaking with the morning's light
Sigh.... sappy and pitiful? When is enough going to be enough? Sorry but I'm just so sad today and there is absolutely on one else to tell but you guys.
As far as him not calling or showing up when he says he will - that's totally unacceptable and you have to let him know that. By not discussing it with him you are sending him a message that it's OK with you to be treated like that. Communicate your needs, hon. If he cares for you enough he will take it into consideration.
Sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear.
But Boston is right, and A is unlike anything else. I know the NC is rough we all go through them. Tell him it wasn't that you wanted him or wanted to see him just that you were concerned he made it home OK.
You also have to communicate what your min expectations are and even then the rules are always changing.
Hang in there.
saturday, hi there.