When is enough too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
When is enough too much?
4
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 11:40am
Seems like I spend so much time lately in a state of absolute confusion. I know now, in spite of all my brave talk, I fooled around and fell in love. How absolutely mind-blowing stupid is that? MM is going through a really bad time with W -- apparently their relationship has always been boiling hot or freezing cold (neither good). I'm trying to be understanding, to be there for him, to give him the support he needs... but it is just killing me. We worked together on Sunday, but H was there so we were very well behaved. Monday morning he called me to let me know he was leaving the hotel. Says "I love you -- do you believe me?" Of course, I said yes although I'm still struggling with that. I asked him to please call sometime during the day so I wouldn't worry (the trip home was 8 hours). He said "I'll call just because I love to hear your voice." So... no call, no show last night. Still no show no call today. And I have absolutely no way to check on him to make sure he's okay. I know he loves his wife, I know I'll always love him more than he cares for me... but now I'm questioning every minute we're together. I'm sure you can guess this isn't the first time I've been "stood up" so to speak. I always knew I'd be a low priority for him, but I'm wondering how much my ego can stand being the last priority for him. He's so good at acting like nothing is going on between us -- I can barely keep my hands off him. He's so great at compartmentalizing our relationship -- I think of him every minute of the day. I know that when he does finally call, I'll just forget how I'm feeling now and not mention it at all. Being subservient and needy is new to me, and not very palatable. Maybe this thing just isn't good for me. I certainly don't recognize myself these days. At least not as anyone I like. And yet he brings out something in me I didn't even know existed. When we were first together, I wrote a song, which said (in part)..

"I don't always act the way I did tonight

But lyin' in your arms just felt so right

Through your eyes I see

The woman locked in me

(and) With your touch I long to lose the fight

Sometimes life is fair

But mostly not I find

I know I'll only hold you

For a moment's time

And if that's how it must be

I'll hold this memory

For when darkness is the only friend in sight

You'll touch my heart and hold my body

Then you'll say goodbye

It's not the way I want it

But we only own tonight

Just breath my name again

I'll smile and pretend

(that) My heart's not breaking with the morning's light

Sigh.... sappy and pitiful? When is enough going to be enough? Sorry but I'm just so sad today and there is absolutely on one else to tell but you guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:41pm
Sister, I really hate to tell you that but if you want to continue this relationship you have to accept it as is. I don't doubt that he cares for you. But he is certainly not on the same emotional level as you are. It's very possible that he needs more time. You never know. Some people become emotionally attached right from the start. Some need time for it to develop. And sadly, some never experience it at all. Wait it out. I believe your relationship is fairly new. You might be expecting too much too soon.

As far as him not calling or showing up when he says he will - that's totally unacceptable and you have to let him know that. By not discussing it with him you are sending him a message that it's OK with you to be treated like that. Communicate your needs, hon. If he cares for you enough he will take it into consideration.

Sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:52pm
Your song is beautiful.

But Boston is right, and A is unlike anything else. I know the NC is rough we all go through them. Tell him it wasn't that you wanted him or wanted to see him just that you were concerned he made it home OK.

You also have to communicate what your min expectations are and even then the rules are always changing.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:12pm

saturday, hi there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:25am
To our board guys... thank you for your advice. It was right on. He finally called last night. I was kind and loving, but I did manage to tell him how I felt about him not calling as he said he would. He was so apologetic. I told him that I get that we're not chained to one another, but that respect means doing what you should. He said he totally understands that, and that he was so wrong and had no excuse other than he fell asleep. It gave us the opportunity to talk about how I was feeling, how he was feeling (more than I had ever imagined), and where we saw our boundaries and are growth areas. It was just wonderful, and I wouldn't have had the courage without your encouragement. Thanks, guys, again.