When the getting is just too good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
When the getting is just too good.
8
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 6:52pm

what is there to do when the man you have been with for 14 years cant have sex with you and dont want to get any help? What is there to do whe he tells you that its your fault that he cant get any better? This is basically my life story... you see for the past 2 years my husband has been moping and telling me that its my fault he cant have sex with me. I've tried everything to help him from making doctors appointments to getting his prescriptions for different types of medication (wink wink).


I fell for a moment of weakness and started having sex with a man that will remain nameless for reasons beyond explaining. We understand that its only a sexual thing. The sex is so good. It kills me inside that when my husband says lets have sex and we can; its always my fault. He even told me that i need to help him out more.


What to do? Someone please help me. Give me some understanding. Its a whole lot more than what i can type here to really get the full understanding. Just help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 8:35pm

I do feel your pain. I know that it must make you feel undesirable when your H "can't", and it makes it worse when he blames you.

Has he had a full physical exam? A sexual problem can be caused by underlying health issues like heart disease, diabetes or poor circulation. It can also be caused by medications. A doctor should be consulted and he should have a full work up. If there is no physical problem or medication issue, then sex therapy might really help for the two of you. Is he open to that at ALL?

If he just won't do that, all I can do is give you (((hugs))). I understand the temptation you have in finding what you need elsewhere. I know there are better ways to try to cope but I can completely understand why you do what you do also.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 8:43pm
thanks for understanding. He has went to the doctor and he has had the blue pill white pill every pill in the book. But i stil get blamed for not making him "SALUTE". im just fed up and tired.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 11:21am

Hi Neia2008,


It's always so easy for someone to blame a person for things that they cannot do. Please don't feel it's your fault in anyway because if he really wanted help he would do whatever is necessary to fix the problem. You've done all you can do and put your effort into helping him. He doesn't want to take blame so of course "its your fault". That line is going to get old and then what? When A happens of course we will be judged but what most people don't realize is that we are not the only ones at fault. We stepped out for a reason and what ever reason that maybe our partner needs to work on that as well.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 11:31am

I thank you purplerayne for that word of comfort. Because thats just what it is. I thought that once i published this that i would be bashed for everything that i did. His family blames me even sometimes my kids blame me (sometimes they wont even speak to me). But i know that i have been a great wife and mother. I work hard, even though he doesnt have a job (he says that he cant find one) and i strive to be the best that i can be. Im glad that there are people in the world like you that knows somewhat of what im going through.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 5:11pm

I truly hope you realize that, despite what your H says to the contrary, his being unable to perform is not your fault.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 5:48pm

from a guy's standpoint..

you've clearly established to yourself via your affair that you are not to blame for his failures in the bedroom , for better or worse.. don't worry, no one will bash you for that, we each have our own cross to bear in quite glassy houses.. (is metaphor mixing banned yet?)

ligthness aside, cl-lexi has a good point.. about couples therapy.. would he go for that? that way you can both get to hear what the issues are from a third party..

there are still cultures in the world where the woman is blamed for not bearing a son, though the differentation lies with the male and the male knows this..

it's quite typical for you to get blamed, and is a sign of selfishness, desperation and hopelessnes.. he very well knows what he says is not true, but admitting the truth will take him to a place he's painfully afraid of.. the purpose of the therapy would be to get him to that place, if that's what is called for, so that he can function in your R.

Good luck...

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 10:43am
thanks nevereasy, he doesnt see therapy as a way of helping and he doesnt want to go to anymore doctors. He says that im selfish because i only think about my needs. What am i to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 10:47am
i do appreciate the things you said but counseling to him is like telling him that he has to confess to everything that he does and do. I just want him to get some type of help in a way that benefits us both. but i know he wont do it.