Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get away from this. It is a hopeless situation any way you look at it. He's married, he's not leaving. You're single and completely involved with him. This is just heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak.
A couple of things....love isn't something we just decide to do. Either you are in love with someone or you're not. It sounds like he's not. I'm sure he cares about you, but that's not the same as being madly in love, like you are. However, he doesn't care enough to take the time to see you, claiming to be busy, but there you see his truck at the bar. Does that sound too busy to you? To me it sounds like someone who isn't interested. At least nowhere near the level you are. Do not mistake his chasing you a few months ago as evidence of deep and meaningful feelings. Men like to chase. And we all know what often happens once they catch their prey. Interest wanes.
With everything I have I am telling you that the best thing you can do for yourself is to run from this situation like your hair's on fire. Because if you don't do it now, it will be so, so much worse down the road, and though I wish I could be more optimistic for you, I honestly don't see the happy ending I know you would like this story to have. Who cares whether he loves you. Love yourself enough to not subject yourself to this misery anymore. I'm sure there are plenty of good single guys out there. But as long as you continue to have your head in the clouds where this guy is concerned, you won't even notice them.
Bird - you and I are in the same A! This has almost been exactly my experience. In a nutshell he pulled back because he was was simply overwhelmed with what was haoppening and in particular his guilt over having real feelings for me. He actually ended it twice but the break ups lasted only a few days. I have been through hell with this- anger, devestated, hurt, shattered- you name it.
Then I realised that his approach was actually better for the long run. I realised that having him in my life (and me being in his) coud only work if our intense emotions were kept at bay. Of course this isnt ideal, but as Bird said- I will never have the relationship I want with him (too many enormous obstacles) so this is what I am happy with now- this friendlier, lighter version of us.
He makes it clear he has feelings for me, and we often joke about being together in a nursing home. But thats it. As Bird and Nevereasy said, the need for space is genuine- on his and my side- and now i am communicating with him as I WANT TO. Not in order to keep him. Its different. f I feel like saying hi - I do. If I dont hear from him (I hate it) but I try to accept that its not a sudden turn of heart- just life circumstances.
I really hope you get through this- A's are so lovely but so very very hard.
I'm S with a MM too, and I can't help think to myself that I am absolutely bonkers for a) letting this guy come between my H and myself; and b) letting him so completely consume my life.
He does kind of the same sort of thing you say your AP does, except I've never been the one have the guts to leave for a little while. We've been together for just about three years and he still pulls such utter nonsense at times...if he doesn't like my emotions (and I have a TON of them) which shows itself sometimes as verbal frustration...which is what I feel knowing that it's ALWAYS going to be this way.
You've said two things in particular that sound just like something I could have said. You said: I am really heart sick! I honestly feel like I am never going to get over this and that scares me.
Well, I feel the exact same way. I say it every time he doesn't talk to me for days on end if he thinks I'm being "too emotional" which is really just me getting angry at some of the absolute crap he pulls on me, and letting him know about it! And yes, I also feel like I'll never get over it because I did fall for him so hard (hard enough that I left my 25 year M because of it).
You also said that you thought you might start dating again because you don't want to be lonely. I can totally relate to that as well....although I love my AP/BF very much, I think a lot of it is that I just really don't want to be alone and lonely either, and so I put up with his BS. I know I'm going to have to make a choice here, and soon. I'm 48...I don't have years left to be just the girlfriend of a MM. I want a man of my own, one who can put me first... always. I want it to be AP/BF, but it never will be and for my own sanity I have to find a way to move on and try to find someone else to love. I don't see it happening, but I can see that it's what needs doing.
I know this probably doesn't help you, heck...you've been there for four years, you certainly know what it's like.
Don't put your life on hold for this MM. You are S and therefore available to find someone who will put you first. Stop telling yourself that you can't find anyone decent who is S. Visit other cities. Get out and start living. There is a whole world out here full of exciting, fun ppl and you are waisting your time on someone else's H while you are S. He's home with his W and you are home alone.
To be honest ,I havent read the thread and I am responding only to your title. Falling in love is not something one has a control on- men or women.he/she can try to fight it off,keep it hidden from you ,not let it be shown BUT sooner or later,it will flow ,no matter how hard one tries. So if your AP is saying so,then what I get from it is that he is not emotionally attached ( sadly) at all.He is taking what he needs or wants from this A and love is not a part of the equation for him.
An old saying ' we dont chose who we fall in love with'.same goes for this situation as well.It might be something you dont want to hear but thats how it is from my POV.
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Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get away from this. It is a hopeless situation any way you look at it. He's married, he's not leaving. You're single and completely involved with him. This is just heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak.
A couple of things....love isn't something we just decide to do. Either you are in love with someone or you're not. It sounds like he's not. I'm sure he cares about you, but that's not the same as being madly in love, like you are. However, he doesn't care enough to take the time to see you, claiming to be busy, but there you see his truck at the bar. Does that sound too busy to you? To me it sounds like someone who isn't interested. At least nowhere near the level you are. Do not mistake his chasing you a few months ago as evidence of deep and meaningful feelings. Men like to chase. And we all know what often happens once they catch their prey. Interest wanes.
With everything I have I am telling you that the best thing you can do for yourself is to run from this situation like your hair's on fire. Because if you don't do it now, it will be so, so much worse down the road, and though I wish I could be more optimistic for you, I honestly don't see the happy ending I know you would like this story to have. Who cares whether he loves you. Love yourself enough to not subject yourself to this misery anymore. I'm sure there are plenty of good single guys out there. But as long as you continue to have your head in the clouds where this guy is concerned, you won't even notice them.
Aw,
Bird - you and I are in the same A! This has almost been exactly my experience. In a nutshell he pulled back because he was was simply overwhelmed with what was haoppening and in particular his guilt over having real feelings for me. He actually ended it twice but the break ups lasted only a few days. I have been through hell with this- anger, devestated, hurt, shattered- you name it.
Then I realised that his approach was actually better for the long run. I realised that having him in my life (and me being in his) coud only work if our intense emotions were kept at bay. Of course this isnt ideal, but as Bird said- I will never have the relationship I want with him (too many enormous obstacles) so this is what I am happy with now- this friendlier, lighter version of us.
He makes it clear he has feelings for me, and we often joke about being together in a nursing home. But thats it. As Bird and Nevereasy said, the need for space is genuine- on his and my side- and now i am communicating with him as I WANT TO. Not in order to keep him. Its different. f I feel like saying hi - I do. If I dont hear from him (I hate it) but I try to accept that its not a sudden turn of heart- just life circumstances.
I really hope you get through this- A's are so lovely but so very very hard.
First of all, many ((((hugs)))) to you!
anotherseyes
Hi wisingup2010,
I'm S with a MM too, and I can't help think to myself that I am absolutely bonkers for a) letting this guy come between my H and myself; and b) letting him so completely consume my life.
He does kind of the same sort of thing you say your AP does, except I've never been the one have the guts to leave for a little while. We've been together for just about three years and he still pulls such utter nonsense at times...if he doesn't like my emotions (and I have a TON of them) which shows itself sometimes as verbal frustration...which is what I feel knowing that it's ALWAYS going to be this way.
You've said two things in particular that sound just like something I could have said. You said: I am really heart sick! I honestly feel like I am never going to get over this and that scares me.
Well, I feel the exact same way. I say it every time he doesn't talk to me for days on end if he thinks I'm being "too emotional" which is really just me getting angry at some of the absolute crap he pulls on me, and letting him know about it! And yes, I also feel like I'll never get over it because I did fall for him so hard (hard enough that I left my 25 year M because of it).
You also said that you thought you might start dating again because you don't want to be lonely. I can totally relate to that as well....although I love my AP/BF very much, I think a lot of it is that I just really don't want to be alone and lonely either, and so I put up with his BS. I know I'm going to have to make a choice here, and soon. I'm 48...I don't have years left to be just the girlfriend of a MM. I want a man of my own, one who can put me first... always. I want it to be AP/BF, but it never will be and for my own sanity I have to find a way to move on and try to find someone else to love. I don't see it happening, but I can see that it's what needs doing.
I know this probably doesn't help you, heck...you've been there for four years, you certainly know what it's like.
Take care,
benska
To be honest ,I havent read the thread and I am responding only to your title.
Falling in love is not something one has a control on- men or women.he/she can try to fight it off,keep it hidden from you ,not let it be shown BUT sooner or later,it will flow ,no matter how hard one tries.
So if your AP is saying so,then what I get from it is that he is not emotionally attached ( sadly) at all.He is taking what he needs or wants from this A and love is not a part of the equation for him.
An old saying ' we dont chose who we fall in love with'.same goes for this situation as well.It might be something you dont want to hear but thats how it is from my POV.
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