When he feels guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
When he feels guilty
11
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 9:40pm

My AP and I have been having an A for 4 months. In the beginning things were good, but the first time we got physical, his guilt started to get the better of him (I am M, he is Engaged). That was a couple of months ago. We still get together (our last date was Monday) and we usually end up getting P. His guilt is getting the best of him though, and I'm afraid it's going to mean the end of our R. We usually send each other messages on Myspace everyday, but he hasn't logged in to his account today and I'm worried! He's only gone a day without messaging me once in this whole time, and I miss him.


It's very hard for me when he feels guilty. He admits there is a spark between us, but he said he's trying not to let it become a fire (too late for me!). I know he wants me badly, and I want him even more, but his guilt is tearing us apart. I just feel like he's going to dump me (he says he won't, but I'm insecure). I can't be just friends with him, I care so much about him it would tear me apart to be with him and not be able to hold him or kiss him. I'm just so frustrated! Does anyone have any advice to help me through the trying times?

Tessa
Tessa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 2:29am

Ahh, Myspace messages. Let me guess - everytime you log in and seee that "new messages" icon, your heart jumps a little, doesn't it. I've been there. ;)


He's engaged? When is his wedding date?


I wonder if the closer he gets to his wedding date, the more he's going to start having that rush of conscience, and more and more feelings of guilt. Especially if he's mostly happy with his soon-to-be wife.


And if his guilt does get the best of him, and he breaks it off, it will hurt. It will feel like something that could have been so damn amazing and so delicious has been unceremoniously ripped from your hands. I know - I've been there. My xAP got a rush of the guilties and called it off, and the feeling of "so much left undone" stings like crazy.


I'm not sure what to tell you other than to enjoy it while it lasts, while preparing your heart for the likelihood that he might soon want to channel his energy into his brand new marriage. Hang in there - best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 7:15am
I have sooooo been there. The guilty man will call it off and leave you feeling very very unrested. (is that a word...I like it). My guilty man sounds like your guilty man...gobs of sparks, sexual tension, great sex, then boom! He was all guilt ridden and gone....my texts went unanswered...he deleted his facebook page...etc etc. I know exactly how you feel, and my guess is that he is headed back home to his fiance. Don't drag this out and don't for the love of all that is holy.....try to figure it out. I too wonder (endlessly) what could have been (steamy and delicious), what should have been, how can we ignore such chemistry, why didn't I meet him first.......but he's making his choice, and chances are that he is wondering all of those same things. But, he did meet her first. And he is choosing her. It's awful, I know....sending ((hugs)) your way.
P.S......when I finally got a chance to talk to my xAP about why the cutoff was so abrupt, (three agonizing months later)....he said he HAD to do it that way because the A was getting sooooo good, and he knew he was getting in too deep (all those things we said...steamy, delicious)...and he didn't want to start with lies, lies and more lies at home and secret calls....etc etc....now, trust me, I bit into him about how he should have respected me enough to tell me that, or how about not start an A in the first place if lies bother you...etc etc...but, I digress...this is about you. I understand everything you are going through. You will make it. My guess is he will stick to his guilty guns and leave quickly...not a lot of talking, explaining, etc...because he is very tempted and he is trying to do the right thing. Just my guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 11:05pm

I found out why he hasn't been writing as much lately...he went on a camping trip and came home with the flu, so he's been sick over the holidays. I still miss hearing from him everyday, and yes, I get that happy feeling in my tummy when I see that there's a message from him on Myspace. Hopefully he'll start logging in again once he feels better.


He hasn't set a wedding date yet. They've been off and on since High School (15 years) so they've had their ups and downs, She's battled alcoholism and has poor credit, so maybe he's reluctant to get involved with that situation. He always pulls away when we have time apart, but as soon as we're together, his self-control flies out the window. He's very tempted by me and he tells me he "wants me bad." I just hope he still feels that way. It worries me when he distances himself from me. I know I need to prepare myself for the worst, and I have started searching for his replacement.

Tessa
Tessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 4:01am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 9:37am

Part of being in an A is being prepared for something like this. We are disposable, like a sneeze rag. Live in the moment!

jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 5:37pm
The interesting thing I find about guilt and my AP is, he doesn't feel guilty for loving me, sneaking around to be with me or sleeping with me( which we rarely do...it's been 3 months) his guilt would only kick in when he would actually move his stuff out and leave her. Then the guilt trips would start kicking in and he would go back. That's when he was the "bad guy" for leaving his wife, who did nothing wrong, all alone to be with someone else even though he's in love with that someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 1:35pm

Hi Gabby -


Someone else asked this on another thread and I never saw you reply - so I'm asking again - did you used to post here under the name Julz??


Thanks!


Tgr

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 1:38pm

Hi Tigerlily -


I'm sorry you are feeling so confused with everything - but yes - it seems when things get too close - alot of men do back off.


But - I have to ask - you said something about searching for a replacement??

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 5:39pm

Hi tgrbabe,


I think I was just angry when I said

Tessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 9:47pm
Nope, sorry. I did not see the other post asking that.

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