When he's supposed to call and doesnt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
When he's supposed to call and doesnt...
11
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:08am
It's been 5 days now and still no word from OM - I broke down and left him a message asking him to let me know if everything was ok...Im having a very hard time with this - I'm not an emotional wreck or angry as I would normally be when he does this. Im deeply saddened by the realization that Ive come to expect to be disrespected by him. I find it hard to swallow the fact that I have come to the point in this EMA when we can have plans set and I dont even count on them coming through, just the opposite in fact, I count on not even hearing from him. I have examined myself and my involvement in this EMA very much over the past few days.

We had plans for Saturday and I talked to him at 8 pm on Friday night and he didnt know exactly what his obligations were for Saturday yet. He asked me to shut off my cell so he could call and leave me a message so I'd know what time he would be available to get together...Saturday all day, no call...sunday all day, no call...monday all day, no call...tuesday all day, no call...I left him a message at 4 pm Tuesday asking if he was "ok", it's now Wednesday...lets see if he calls...

It's terribly hard to not be worried about them and it's not like you can make them return your calls...worse part is that I've come to expect this mistreatment from him...I'm just not feeling very good about myself right now...

I just hope when he finally gets around to calling that I can work through this matter taking my best interest into consideration instead of falling victim to my weakness for him...

Anyone else been here?

Liberal

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:18am
I know what you mean... Often these men get pulled away by things they can't control, but after a while I guess we kind of shut ourselves off to the pain. I think by expecting to be hurt by him, in a way you're protecting yourself from getting even more hurt when he does disappoint. That way if things DO go through okay, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Do you think it's possible you're getting to the point where you're ready to pull out of the A?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:30am
Perhaps it is a protection mode for me. There is a great deal of change going on in our 2 years A right now. He and his fiance are unexpectedly having a child which has stirred a great deal of emotions for me. Although we never had plans to eventually one day be together the realization of his "real life" hit home with me when I got that news. Additionally, my DH and I have been tossing around the idea of starting a family. Something I want eventually but just not at this particular time. I have been struggling with the concept of whether or not my A is playing a role in my disinterest with being a mom right now. There's just a great deal of change happening right now and because I have been analyzing things so intensely Ive come to realize the many sacrifices I make to be party to this A. It has appeared to me that that more I do, the less he does to make "us" work. Ive always pulled more than my own weight in this A but right now I feel like Im doing 80% and he's doing 20%. I really need to talk to him about this and see what he wants to do and if he really has it in him to continue sharing the moments we are able to steal for our fantasy feasts...I can handle alot of things but disrespect is not one of them.

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:00am
Hi Liberal, I am also going thru the same type of thing. Been in A for 2 years but haven't actually seen him since end of July. Before that, we emailed several times a week and got together usually once a week. But last time we talked (about 3 weeks ago) he said lots of stuff was going on with his company, health, etc. He SAID he still wants to see me. Its just that they have alot of priorities, work, family, etc. same as we do. So guess I'll just have to wait if I want to see him again. I think I do, although the time apart is very long. I'm not too happy about that, but I'm not as angry as I was at first either. I guess I'm at the point where I figure life goes on, if I see him that's great, but if I don't, oh well ... I'm not going to cry the blues about it. If it was meant to be, I'll see him again. Hope that helps you a little.

Dusty
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:04am
We have something else in common... H and I are contemplating starting a family too. I've pretty much had it with MM and all his ups and downs and games. I'm tired of being the girl he goes to when his wife makes him feel bad, then being tossed aside when she surprises him by wearing sexy lingerie and initiating sex. So I've spent the past couple of months focusing on H and my marriage. It helps that H is about 400 times the man MM will ever be and our marriage is stronger than ever, odd as that may sound. But I can't seem to let MM go. I tried NC but I felt as though my heart were being ripped out. He was suggesting us sneaking away to a hotel somewhere and finally consummating our relationship yesterday and the idea wasn't the slightest bit appealing. Yet I can't go a workday without seeing him, talking to him, flirting with him. Anyway, I don't know how your M is, but if it's pretty good maybe you could try focusing on that for a while. Imagine yourself pregnant. Imagine yourself with a baby. Look at babies and children when you're out at the mall or whatever and ask yourself if that's what you want. Notice the way children look up at their parents with such love and respect in their eyes. Maybe it's just because I also have this biological clock thing (I'm nearing my mid-30s...tick-tock, tick-tock!) but focusing on the baby thing really seems to do the trick. I have a photo of H with our niece on my desk and I look at it all day. When I'm starting to feel the urge to call MM I play Shania Twain's "For Ever and For Always," which is about a couple growing old together, and focus on H, who loves me as no one else ever has and whom I DO see myself growing old with. Again, this only works if your marriage is strong and your H isn't a total jerk. But I've noticed since I've started focusing so much on my M, H is more loving than ever. It might be worth a try. Sometimes when you pull away, they sense it and they just give you your space and it may come across that they are being uncaring but really they are just protecting themselves from being rejected by you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:17am
One other thing I try to run thru my head alot is that, he is M, so am I. I have to remember this affects everything and the way we respond to each other. If we were dating, I would be really pi$$ed at not hearing from him for so long. But we ARE NOT dating, it's an A. And that makes it totally different. It doesn't mean he doesn't respect you, but it means he can't make you #1 in his life obviously. Its really hard to get that thru your head, I know. But once you accept that fact, you may feel a little more peace with the whole thing.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:57pm
I always put this in a business perspective, maybe since I work with my OM.

Since it is merely common courtesy to return a phone call from a business acquaintance, it's *more* than courtesy to expect return calls from people we actually have a relationship with. Not returning a call is a clear sign of disrespect. If I wouldn't put up with it in a business relationship, why on earth would I put up with it from my loved ones?

I completely disagree with the argument that "it's an affair, so I need to expect disrespect." Coming after wife and children and work does not mean disrespect. My OM will always find some way to let me know he's thinking of me, even if it's using a completely innocuous code word during a business phone call. If he's even mildly creative, he can figure out a way to communicate if he really wants to.

Which, of course, leads to the question, does he really want to? And do you want to be with him if he's not willing to make the effort to even speak?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 4:18pm
I think its a different situation when you work with the person. You work with the guy, of course he has to be businesslike and return your calls, talk to you etc. I don't even live in the same city as the MM. And how do you know, there could have been a valid reason why he didn't get in touch. Such as death in the family, illness, etc. In a perfect world, yes they would be "polite" and return your calls. But that's not reality. And I don't think they mean to be rude by not contacting you. There's been days I couldn't get in touch with him because I was home sick and H was home because of shift work. Alot of women on here seem to have this same experience of not hearing from their MM for various amounts of time.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 5:03pm
Certainly there can be reasons when it's impossible to communicate for a day or so. But there are few reasons to not communicate at all for days on end, unless you are purposely trying to be rude. I think most women are way too willing to accept rude behavior from men, and many men are all too willing to take advantage of their tolerance.

Goodness, I tell my children to be polite. If kids can be polite, why can't men? Why do we expect less of adults than we expect of little children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 5:11pm
Because we can ground our kids for being rude!!!HA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:11am
Well I think in my case, because we used to have regular contact and the last couple of months its drastically dropped off, obviously something major is going on in his life. I know its stupid to keep wishing, because he must be having second thoughts about seeing me and this is probably his way of breaking it off. Although last time we talked, he said he wants to get together again. But when he goes a long time without contact when he used to be good about it, obviously something has really changed in the relationship. And probably not for the best is what I'm thinking.

I really miss him alot, I hope we get back to how it was before, but I'm not holding my breath on that,

xxxx

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