When it is an EMA?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
When it is an EMA?
5
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 12:22pm
I started going for counselling because the guilt of my EMA was tearing me apart- but my therapist acted like I was being ridiculous. He said it was "just a flirtation". Now I Do feel a little better, but I'm wondering what the general concenus is on when it's actually cheating. BTW, I wasn't too thrilled with the therapist overall and I stopped going. I'm wondering how many people are involved in an affair that doesn't involve actual sex. MM and I love to hug and he kisses my face, but I can't deal with the guilt if I kiss him on the mouth, etc. (It has happened though). This has been going on for almost a year. He's someone I can talk to and love to hold, but we're both married and there are kids on both sides.

So- when is it an affair?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 2:17pm
Very interesting to see your post because I have struggled with this same thing. I have a male friend who I am extremely close to - we talked every day, emailed all the time, etc. We realized we were attracted to each other and acknowledged that if we'd met at another time under different circumstances we'd have had a more intimate relationship. However, we are both married so we accepted that we could only be friends and that we could not have a physical realtionship. Yes there was some flirtation, but nothing too heavy. He lives far away but we met a couple times and once we kissed. But that was it.

I've heard it said that you can consider yourself in an affair if cannot tell your spouse about it. My H knows about this friendship (although he doesn't know just how close my friend and I have become, nor does he know about the kiss) and is OK with it. My friend's W did NOT know about our friendship, and when she found out she was EXTREMELY upset. As a result my friend and I are not supposed to be in contact with one another. This has been hard on both of us as we were very close. We do still talk occasionally, but not like we used to. (You can see my post below for my dillemma about what to do next.)

I still struggle with whether we had an "emotional affair" or not. I guess in some ways we did. I had niavely thought that by NOT having a physical relationship that everything would be OK. Clearly for his W that is not the case. Now all three of us are suffering over it.

I hope this was of some help to you. It definitely can be tricky.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 3:05pm

I think that's a very, very good rule of thumb- when you can't tell your husband about it, it's an affair. I'd also interject that it can be an EMA even when you *can* tell your husband about it. Like GB2, I have a very close relationship with someone I can't see often, let alone find time alone with. My feelings for him are definitely quite naughty, yet my husband knows about it and is okay with it. My *friend* and I used to have a full-blown physical relationship when he lived in town, and DH knew about that, and was okay with that as well. It's unusual, and really it speaks volumes about my husband's character. I don't take advantage of him- because of the permissiveness, I feel I have to work twice as hard on our marriage because of the EMA...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 8:51pm
When I first saw my darling, after 38 years, one of the first things he said to me, after kissing me hello was, "you're cheating on your husband" We had done nothing more than that. But the truth was, I WAS cheating on my husband. We all know when the line is crossed-mine was crossed the moment I saw my love, and the years meant nothing. Why ask a question that we know the answer to?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 1:28pm
Sometimes the answer is not always so cut and dry.

ssum1special -- keep looking within yourself and I'm sure deep down you'll find the answer.

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 12:12am
Thanks guys... that's what I like about the message boards here... it gives you a chance to bounce your ideas off other people and see if what you've been thinking is totally "out there" or if others feel the same. I feel like I'm doing something to cross that line each time I talk to him, because I know I love him and he loves me.