When MM is your best friend....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
When MM is your best friend....
6
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:21pm
How do you explain to MM that your concern for his situation is because he is your best friend and really has nothing to do with the involvement in this A?

MM is having financial difficulties in the sense his W spends all the money with no regard whatsoever for the household. He is struggling to keep the bills paid (yes, she works too but the household sees none of her money, and once she runs out of her own, she starts taking from the joint checking account) because of her blatent spending. This is causing a great deal of stress in their M and is also contributing to his health problems. Naturally, since I love him, it is very hard for me to see him dealing with this. He doesn't think its appropriate to make a drastic change (such as not allowing W access to the checking account) because his ideas about M is that both spouses have equal access to the finances. Talking to his W does nothing because she just doesn't care.

When he talks to me about this, I tend to get upset because it infuriates me that this woman doesn't care what her spending is doing to her husband, nor does she understand that she is essentially taking away from her children, as well. His solution to that is to not talk to me about it anymore. Just one more thing he is going to hold inside and add to his stress.

He thinks my reaction is based on our involvement in this A, but I would be just as upset if we weren't romantically involved. He is my best friend and I don't like seeing my friends being taken advantage of. I don't like seeing my friends being so blatently disrespected by their significant others. It could be one of my girlfriends in this same situation and I would have the same reaction. How do I get him to understand this and to know I'm not judging him for the way he deals with his M? I want him to know that he truly can talk to me about anything. He doesn't want to upset me, but HE isn't the one upsetting me, SHE is.

Any thoughts? And thanks for listening.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:23pm
Hello Annika,

MM used to bend over backwards his own word, and his moms words for w. just to keep the family together, to keep peace at home.....because she simply would not cook, clean, you name it she would not do it..anyway, I always got very frustrated wanted to scream out loud and say oh I would give you instead heaven on earth...and he always knew that.

But instead of being upset with her, it is actually him who is upsetting you , becuase it is his CHOICE to put up. He is to blame to not make more effort to stop this.

Instead so many times I thought with me adorying him , well in some way he knew how incredible he was to me....so it made life , the marriage easier at home......

A marriage was sugarcoated , because i gave him everything she lacked ot give him....

so it was a neverending cycle....instead of hm having to deal with it.....i was there to make things better...and just like you I shook my head at her and said oh poor him.

But like I said it was his choice !....He is to blame just as much for putting up for it, for all the wrong reasons. sadly, because he wants to hold onto his life he has...

I know what you meant with being his best friend, i so understand your frustration, but it sounds like he knows your position in this....so you need to let it go...it is his battle not yours.....Hugs, Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:43pm
I'm not sure you CAN get him to understand it. Part of him may be feeling defensive, deep down, because your anger (whether at her, or at him) seems like a judgement call from you on HIS W. And that may also add to his stress and frustration, because he thinks he should be doing more about it but can't, etc. And, he may see your anger as a sign that you think he should be doing something different, even though you tell him that's not it. If he stops talking to you about it, that's evidence that he needs a different kind of interaction from you.

I've learned over the years (because of the exact same process that you just described) not to EVER say anything negative or to react strongly against his W, even though he is the one upset with her and talking to me about it. I will agree with him gently and be supportive by listening, but I won't get emotional... I think that what he really needs from me is a sounding board for his frustrations and a place he can vent.

Just my opinion...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 5:04pm
Buttercup and Mommy,

Thanks so much for your thoughts on my situation. I really appreciate your insight.

I agree that this is his battle and as upsetting as it is for me to watch my best friend go through leaps and bounds to get the bills paid only to come up short because she suddenly "needed" to get her hair and nails done, I must accept I have no control over HIS situation. And he needs to deal with HIS situation in whatever way HE is comfortable with.

I also agree that my anger at her is perceived by him as a sort of judgement. He knows he needs to change something in order to have the household finances under control, and when he's ready, he will. I truly must work on a different approach when he confides such personal issues with me. I've been the one person he has confided in for many years now. I know if he doesn't have my ear as an outlet, he will not talk to anyone else about these issues. I want him to trust me as the same best friend he's always confided in.

Thanks again. Sometimes an outside opinion is great for pointing out a new direction that we have failed to see before.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 7:37pm
my name should have been ANGRY!!!!!!!!! So angry that I really do make things better for my MM at home. W is a demanding, self centered, so financially in love that she walks all over H, does not do anything for him, literally NOTHING. He knows this, but yes he is the one to blame for putting up with it,,,The thing that really make me angry is I right now am the cause of her happiness***LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW***!!!!!!!!!!!!

MM has tremendous guilt over our 4 year A/relationsip/friendship and being lovers that he basically kisses her butt, gives her anything material she wants,*this is her only need and want) if she wants 300.00 shoes how can he say she is being selfish when he believes he is being selfish.*actually doing much worse than buying expensive shoes**

So like buttercup said, its a circle that goes round and round. Life is ok at home only cause he can deal with anything when he knows there is releif, light at the end of the tunnel and when you can always avoid problems at home cause you know you can run to ME to be happy and also know I accept you going back home,,,sounds in a way pretty good. But you girls all listen, we are the lucky ones, we are on the side of the fence i would rather be on,,,not that side, with money, (someone security) but we are the choice at heart they the so called w's are the commitment,(and not even a true commiment).

I get so angry at his giving in to her, whatever she wants she gets, well not really if she asks him to stay home he won;t, he's coming to me,,if she asks for $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ he will give her whatever it takes cause that is her true love and then she leaves him alone. Which means more time for us.

I call her every name there is (which is wrong) but i guess that is how i deal with my anger, and hurt. He understands that and is very sympathetic towards me. I often dream, couldn;t someone just, well actually like bewitch come twitch her nose and make her disappear? Again, our side of the fence is truly where the grass is greener, cause if it wasn't our MM's wouldn;t keep hoppin the fence. (My favorite saying)

Hang in there, do whatever it takes to enjoy your relationship together, leave her out, out of everything, he shouldn't expect to be able to talk to you about her...Even though your his best friend, concentrate on the two of you. Time is scarce together so make the most out of the conversations by totally avoiding to even mention her. Remember the fence saying, it helps my heart and mind evertime i begin to get angry or my heart begins to hurt.

Goodluck with hugs,,,,,4ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 8:05pm
That is an interesting perspective. I've never had that kind of anger at her. I've never even thought about having that kind of anger.

From my perspective, I don't mind hearing about his W, good or bad. MM and I are best friends and that's a big part of our relationship. As such, I want and need him to talk to me about the most important parts of his life. If he didn't talk to me about his W or his marriage we would be holding back a huge part of our lives from one another. I don't want it to be two separate worlds, one part that I don't know anything about; I want to be part of all of his world, and he mine.

Do others have that kind of anger that they can't even bear to hear about the W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 8:36pm
Annika,

You are welcome and I agree with you - sometimes it helps to hear an outside opinion... that has definitely helped me many times.

I wish you the best - it sounds to me like your relationship with him is a lot like mine. It's great to have that kind of closeness, but sometimes it presents these kind of issues to work around!

Kari