When the Negative Outweighs the Positive

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
When the Negative Outweighs the Positive
3
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 10:14pm

Good evening MAS community. I have posted a couple of times before (in happier days) but tonight, I am feeling quite sad. I am in day 3 of a newly enacted NC/LC, but currently dealing with the inevitable guilt and second-thoughts.

My question for you is...have any of you ever gotten to a point in your A when the negative simply outweighs the positive? Lately, leading up to this latest attempt at NC/LC, I find myself feeling that I have just teetered over the edge of emotional exhaustion and frustration. I am an admitted "cake eater," but you know what...even though I never had any illusions that we would leave our spouses or "be together" someday, this is all still incredibly painful...and I'm sure there is part of me that did fantasize about that. I am, after all, in love with the man.

As a matter of fact, last Wednesday, I told him for the first time that I am in love with him. I expected him to reciprocate; he did not. He acted upset that I said it and called our evening short. He didn't address the issue for the next 3 days. Until I said "NC"...then he invoked it: "When you told me you love me I was upset because I feel the same way." It made me mad that he chose to ignore my incredible confession until I was walking out the door. I told him I didn't believe him, and that it didn't matter anyway, because it's just one big, exhausting, depressing dead end.

For a while I have dreaded coming into work (we work together) and dealing with the relationship more often than I have looked forward to it. I felt incredibly alone, hurt and humiliated when he did not respond to my admission of love. I spent all weekend feeling this way, thinking of nothing else. How can we bounce back from that? Maybe this is the perfect excuse to end it once and for all? Why would I want to be involved with someone who has acted for a year like he is head over heels in love with me, but is visibly upset when I say it out loud?

Long story short...have the cons surpassing the pros in your A ever led you to NC? I appreciate any input :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 1:45am

Hi silverdoe14,


Sorry you are feeling emotionally exhausted and are in a negative place right now.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 8:41am

How powerful that L word can be...

Silverdoe, ironically I am on the other end of the L-word. My AP has been saying it to me for the last month or so. I have yet to reciprocate. I feel guilty bout it. I am honored that he feels that way, but I'm not ready to say it back yet. Yesterday he said, "I love you, do you know that?" I replied, that I did kno; and I felt obligated to explain why I couldn't say it back yet. I felt bad b/c when I tried to explain he responded; "I don't say it just to hear you say it back." Ultimately things were resolved. Part of me for his sake thinks I should just say it back; but I have always closely guarded who I say it to (even with friends) and I feel it is most important that I remain true me. This is obviously my particular situation and perhaps not applicable to you; but I did want to say that I feel bad b/c I can't say the L-word yet.

I'm sorry you are in a bad place at the moment. But the harsh truth is most relationships don't last forever. Ultimately you do have to decide.... however I do feel for you. All of us in A (and any R) have those bad days. And I do think the wounds from AP can feel all the more painful b/c they can't always be talked about openly.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:07am

Thank you for your responses.

Posh, I think you're probably right that he wasn't expecting it. He keeps saying things like, "I don't deserve you," which I've never quite understood, and when I told him I loved him the other night, he said, "No you don't." I don't know if he's using those expressions to deflect it, or if he really is having a hard time believing that I really am in love with him (he's quite self-deprecating). I certainly caught him off guard. But I wish he had given me SOMETHING to work with, because I've just been feeling for nearly a week now like I made a fool out of myself.

Kpbaby, I definitely wouldn't reciprocate the L word to your MM if you're not 100% sure about it. There's no turning back after you say it... It will become a regular part of your dialogue from the moment you say it! It helped me to read your perspective on it; I think my MM probably has some issues with saying it, too—maybe some issues with feeling too vulnerable in a relationship, especially an effed up relationship like this one.

I think that's actually a big part of the issue--neither of us expected love when we started this, and I guess openly declaring it changes everything. We've fooled ourselves for some time into thinking it was just a fling, but when love enters the picture, I guess it can be a little sobering. And both us being M, we're simply not used to being in this type of situation, when the regular relationship rules do not apply. It's confusing and scary.