Where do I go from here??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Where do I go from here??
7
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 6:18pm
I posted this on the Ending board, someone recommended that I post here instead...

Ok, so I wanted your opinions:

last time I posted, XMM and I were arguing about if I should pay an outstanding invoice for golf shirts...well, I've told him that since things between him and I are no longer what they used to be I will NOT pay the invoice. He was pissed but surprised me somewhat. He agreed to be my sounding board and offer advice on how to get through this mess that we're in. Anyways, he gave some good advice and told me to call him later which I did.

Again, I told him that just because he was being nice and giving me a shoulder to cry on over the phone does not mean that I will pay the invoice. He said thats fine, he was being nice because thats they type of person he is. We talked a bit further even joked about how I promised him a video of us having sex but never followed through....we also joked about his ego needing stoking and he indicated thats not the only thing that needed to be stroked but I changed the subject away from sex quickly.

We also talked about trust, and I asked him how I could regain his trust. He said I had a lot of work to do and I said ok. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back (well today anyways) but I realized what a great friend he was and that's very important to me. What I'm asking you guys, do you think its possible after all the lies, the police report, me telling his wife, the blackmail and everything else that him and I have been through to get a friendship back and if I do manage to get his trust back, can it be a platonic friendship? Yes I am confused: somedays I want him back as before, other days I just want to be friends but I know that I would always choose his friendship and I no longer want to hurt my H. By the way, my H says that if XMM and I do become friends again, that he must know about everything and everytime we talk.

Also, on my mind is does he have an ulterior motive in being nice at this point...its been almost 2 months since it ended. He also told me that I can call him whenever, I asked him call me when he can figure out a way I can regain his trust, but he insisted that I call him because he still has trust issues with me. I'm not sure if I should call back...what do you think???

Thanks for all your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 6:44pm
Honey,

Your telling the wife about the ema was to protect the wife from your emails to the MM, right? You protected him and if that is the truth he should take from there and forgive you for it. You don't have to grovel around this man to gain his faith. I think its de-grading yourself to the lowest extent possible. Its not all one person's fault, it takes two to tango. I hope your XMM will realize it someday.

If you think he has ulterior motives in being nice to you, why do you wan to regain his trust? Are you nuts? Why are you fooling yourself for a man who may have cheated on you with other women? Get a grip girl, and LET IT GO. Don't make a fool of yourself by trying to beg for his attention and regaining his friendship. He doesn't sound like he even interested in you and if you do pursue he might give you some for pity. Really. You deserve better, please do not get low for this man. He is not so worth it. Keep your head up and move on... You can do it.

I may have been harsh with this post, but that is the truth. Sorry..

Hugs,

Juliet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 7:04pm
I honestly do not think that my XMM will ever believe that he is to blame as well.....who knows.

I am confused right now and appreciate all advice but at the same time, I remember what a great friend he was and then I also remember the last 2 years in the A.....but I don't miss that, I miss his friendship. I can see why he has trust issues with me - I did call the police after all and made a harassment complaint which would make even myself extremely angry.

As for him cheating on me, I'm 100% sure he didn't - he was always the one telling me that it was more than just sex, but I always told him he was only here for sex...as for still pursuing him, I'm not sure what to do...as I said he was a friend and I hope that we can atleast save that if nothing else......again, I'm not sure what game hes playing or what he even wants...I know his wife wants him to have NO CONTACT with me yet we've been in touch several times since I contacted her.

Again, I am so confused and cannot figure out this man....he knows that as a friend he means a lot to me but should we both not have to work on the trust between us instead of just me??? I guess if our friendship meant anything to him, he'll wake up and realize that I'm not the only one to blame.....but what do I do in the meantime, give in and beg for his trust and forgiveness or play his game back??

Xterra

P.S. when we were involved it was all games -- i.e. who would call first after a fight or who would give in and ask to see the other person....so I know that he likes to play games....in addition, I also wanted to mention that one point during our last conversation we were talking about our last trip away and then he asked me 'if I was hooked?' I said yes. I didn't understand why he would even care if I was hooked or not, it is over after all and he knows that I am now hoping we can be friends....help me make some sense of this please !!


Edited 11/24/2003 7:11:18 PM ET by xterra2003

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 8:03pm
xterra, if you love your husband why cannot you let go of MM? He is not all that great man - that's the way it looks to me, honey. He wants you to be his pawn and into playing games, this is not love as you think it is. Real love does not play games, does not have pride or ego, its pure frienship taken to the next level. I do not undestand why you feel the need to connect with this man? Is it the sex? If so you can definitely find it at home with H. Is it the thrill of being in a secretive R? If so, you how bad things can go, right? Don't play games, be honest to yourself and that will lead to happiness. Look at you, you are posting all over the place like there is no other man!! Is this the way you want to be? Think and don't act on impulse and soon you will find a way. Take Care...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:30pm
xterra, it's all about his ego, honey! i wish you could see that. MM is playing with you, being "nice" and "open" in conversations you have so he can see if you can be reeled back into him. your MM is stroking his ego with your confusion because his W is a suspicious bi&ch who is always on his back about you, but you are the "friend" he can play with, no responsibilities, no accusations, no remorse.

YOU do not need to get his trust back. so what, you called the police and made a report -- the circumstances were such that you felt that's what you had to do at the time. don't apologize about it because you were doing what you felt you had to do to protect yourself. and the past is the past.

DO NOT open yourself up to MM again. keep it light and a little distant with him. if you don't and keep involving yourself with his playful hints and innuendo, MM will keep you off-balance and unsure. and thinking about him. and confused and questioning. is this the way you want to live your life?? i don't think so!

tell MM to go back to his W and work on his M since that was his choice. you need to move on and away from MM and that entire weird situation NOW!

good luck and be strong,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 1:17pm
ThanK you Gurl so much...I know you're right but what do I tell my heart ??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 1:27pm
xterra, you don't tell your heart, that's why we're in these Rs. but, you can keep busy and distracted a bit so that you don't dwell on thoughts of MM.

and i've found it helpful to remember all the crap, NC, lies, disrepect, etc. that's happened between the two of you (and in this case, his W!) to keep from slipping back into the "wanting one more phone call" or "one more time to just see his face".

and of course, time apart. in this case, "absence DOES NOT make the heart grow fonder"! so time and distance will heal your broken heart. and a little anger at the situation he's put you in.

hang in there, it will get better for you. and you've got us to whine to, anytime!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 3:51pm
Agree with gurl. If you can consiciously work to remember every insult,lies, NC instead of the "good times" you will be able to get over this man soon. Its OK to bemoan the loss of this R, it normal to have second thoughts at the end. But don't contact him or ask him to "forgive" you. Just vent here whenever you feel like contacting him and it will pass. Just divert all the energies at that time of 'the urge' to contact by posting here and soon he will be history. Good luck, xterra.


Edited 11/25/2003 4:13:02 PM ET by julietsfate