Where does he stand?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Where does he stand?
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 10:04pm
I'm involved in an affair with a man who used to be a friend. I know it sounds callous to say this, but I really don't care about the other parties who might be affected by this situation, because all I can think about is how angry/ hurt/ upset it makes me feel that we don't see each other very often. He also likes to play chase: if I don't call/text , he will. If I do, I hear stories about how busy he is....and yes, I know he sees other women and yes, I'm married. When we are together we have so much fun, and I don't mean in the bedroom. We talk and go places and have great times. In bed, well, he finds me amazing and I find him to be...no big deal...but love being with him. He CONSTANTLY asks me questions that require me to reassure him...and I get no such reassurance. He'll say, " Would you still like me if I put on weight?" " What would you do if someone told you you couldn't see me anymore? Would you still see me?" " Why do you like to spend time with me?" " Do you still kiss your husband?" I want opinions but don't really know what I'm asking. I miss him all the time. I want to know if he cares about me. I want to know why he asks me those questions. And I want to know why, if he does care, he won't spend more time with me. In all fairness, does have 3 jobs, but also likes to have time for other people, things and activities... All opinions are welcome! Thanks...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 10:41pm

He sounds very narcissistic to me, with always wanting reassurance about how you feel for him but not reciprocating esp since he has other women besides you.  I honestly don't think he cares about you that much--I think he cares about his own needs being met more than anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 4:52pm

I guess he is single?  I think it is very common for single people in an A to try to keep balance.  Sure, he could spend all his spare time with you, but then that gives you a pretty important place in his life.  Men seem to be much better about making rational decisions when it comes to matters of the heart, so I'm guessing he chooses to minimize your relationship since it clearly can't go anywhere.  

He sounds rather insecure, and that can definitely be a reason why a person would engage in an A.  It makes you feel very wanted and desirable, and that also explains why he comes chasing you when you back off.  He likes the attention and the validation, so when you start backing off, he makes an effort to woo you again.  The good news is that since you have that type of guy, you know how to play the game.  When you feel the need for more attention, or you feel like he is taking your for granted, become really busy.  

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 09-06-2013 - 1:51pm

He is a single guy playing the field.  Period.  The fact that you are M is just a detail. 

If we misunderstood, and he is M, then he is a M guy playing the field.  Period. 

So, you have to ask yourself, even in the context of an A, is this how you want to be treated?  I agree with the other posters that he is insecure.  Seeing more than one woman at a time falsely makes him feel better about himself. 

I don't know your story, so curious why an A, and why this guy? 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 3:42am

Why him? Who knows. I had Never considered anything like this before. He is an old friend and I've known him  for years. He is charming and fun, but I know he's full of crap. He often needs help with certain tasks and I assist him. Sometimes we go out and have fun. The sex makes me feel very wanted and desirable, but afterwards I feel like a moron. He's not a mean guy, just miles away from having a real relationship with anyone. Truthfully, I feel so much better when I'm able to ignore him for a while. But that makes him chase me and then I give in. If I discuss this with him he is uncomfortable and defensive, because he only likes women to tell him he's wonderful. When I don't see him I feel awful for 4-6 days...then I start to feel triumphant and not care...and then he reels me in all over again! Btw, my husband is great and I love him. I wish all this would stop....the OP and I   hardly ever see each other anyway...maybe once a month?  Less? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 2:04pm

He definately wants to keep you around . You are emotionally attached to him , so you get reeled back . Him knowing this, makes it easier to reel you in.The cycle will go on till you put a stop on it. You have to detach yourself from him emotionally, if possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 12:55am
If he really wants you, he will make time for you. The fact that he plays games and asks these questions without making you feel important and special tells me he only cares about himself. Unless there is more to the story, based on what you posted so far, he sounds like a selfish man.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-25-2013 - 3:57pm

So he is someone who used to be a friend and now seems more like you have become his booty call. Men are generally better at compartmentalizing things. He has you tucked away in this little corner of his brain, and the other booty call women in other corners. He goes around visiting each corner now and then. He can go for long perios not even accessing other corners. So it really bothers him not one bit if he doesnt see girl A or girl Z for long periods. He treats all the alphabet women the same which is to say not very well. He does it because he can, because all of you allow him to do so. Don't expect more out of him than you have now. It's pretty simple, it will be over when you finally reach your limit and you haven't reached it yet.