Where to go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Where to go from here?
6
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:18am
Has anyone else out there been found out? If so, how are you handling things? My H wants to works things out but after soooooooo long, I really don't think I can.

Help!!!!!

I am in need of advice.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 5:18pm
dee dee,




Edited 9/19/2003 12:27:23 PM ET by lexylew

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 6:58pm
Hi deedee,

Yes... I've been found out! I think in the beginning of my EMA that maybe I wanted to be caught... I finally realised (before starting my EMA) that I wasn't getting what I wanted from my marriage and we had started marriage counselling to try and fix it. I suppose I should have ended things there... but I didn't want to... and while I tried not to be caught I didn't try hard enough and looking back I think I may have only done this as maybe a way out of the marriage.

I had been ready to try a healing separation with DH... not to end our marriage but to work on it... he already knew about my A and confronted me with it in this particular counselling session. With too much knowledge of my A... I could not deny it as I felt that this would only cause more problems in the long run. I accepted my wrong doings and not wanting DH to think I was leaving for another man... which I wasn't... I stayed and continued to work on my marriage.

I also promised no contact with MM... and knew there and then... it was the biggest lie I've ever told... that was about 2 and a half years ago now. My marriage is reasonably strong and so is my EMA. I'm at a state now... where I feel to let one go would only be detremental to the other... for now... I want and need both to complete me... and for most of the time it works. I have learned to separate my marriage and my A and understand that they my A is just that... it's certainly not easy... but has been worth it for me in the long run. I love both these men... each for very different reasons.

Why did I stay?? it wasn't just of not wanting DH to think I was leaving for another man... I had not given him a chance to prove himself... and I could not walk away from him and take his child without giving him that chance. I'm glad I did! While he still faulters and has still a lot to improve on... he does try hard. And while I admit that my love for him has changed... I still do love him deeply and I take strength in that.

If I'd have walked away not giving him the chance... I may have regreted it for the rest of my life.

You have to decide what you want... and what you want to do about it. Do you love him??? if you do... then maybe you should give him the chance. Marriage can survive an EMA... but it's what you do about it.

Sorry... I couldn't offer you more...

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:33pm
Hey Lexylew,

He found out the whole deal. H has been Mr Perfect since he found out because He Doesn't want things to be over between us. Problem is, too little. too late.

Still don't know what to do.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:45pm
Hey Sweet,

Thanks for the reply. The problem is, so many things have happened between H and myself that I don't think I can go Back. I am truly in love with MM. I have told H that I will not have contact with MM which is a big lie because I do all the time. I really want to be with MM but he is unable to change his situation for 1 year because of job. I am trying to hang in here but things are very difficult because H wants to work on things and I feel like I am being unfair to H by lying. I am so pulled in both directions. MM asks me all the time to hang in here and wait so that we can be together. Problem is, he has always told me the truth. Never lied even once. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for any advice,

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:56pm


=)


Edited 9/19/2003 12:28:17 PM ET by lexylew

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 10:49pm
Dear Deedee,

While I havn't been officially found out, suspicions run high,

so I suppose in a way I qualify. Denial has always worked for

me (Both the river and the act ;))

Actually, not being found out is at best a temporary state. I

think it should always be presented with a qualifying trailing

"yet". Bad luck can happen to anyone, even if carlessness

doesn't get you first.

Many board members will tell you to not leave a M for someone

else, only leave for yourself. So maybe finding out what can be

done about your M might be a good first step. Your H is being

Mr perfect, maybe he really does love you. Perfect is a hard act

to sustain though, expect relapses. I guess you should figure

out if it really is too little too late. I could see it either way, many

people have taken each of these forks in the road, some with

success, some not, there is no "right" answer here. And for

completeness, some people are perfectly happy in M's with a

long term EMA on the side. It works for some people, but it

might be hard for you since H knows, and I presume, is not

happy about it.

I look forward to hearing more from you...

ditr




Edited 9/1/2003 11:08:55 PM ET by desertintherain