Your story is very similar to mine..except I don't have kids and my M is sexless. A few months ago I told my husband that I was not in love with him and that I didn't want to be married anymore. He was so hurt..I've never seen a man cry so much. He promised me the world and guilted me into staying and trying to make it work. He said I would regret it. We did one day of therapy and the therapist asked to see me by myself. After our first session she was convinced that I had already checked out of the M and I was only there to make him happy. Well, now he acts if nothing
I would like to suggest that you end the A and get MC with H and perhaps IC for yourself. With a little distance from the A and and the counseling you should be able to make an intelligent decision. You do understand of course that with the secret of the A hanging between you and H the playing field between you and H is not going to be even.
where will you be in 15 yrs when your mom is gone--why right where i am--25 yrs married and done...yes 25 yrs married....unless you fall back in love magically with your husband...here i am....'the perfect marriage the perfect family' was not all that...and i'm done and yes he is hurt and you know what--so was i 10 yrs ago when he devalued me and told me he was only sticking around until our kids were grown because i 'wasn't good enough to raise them'...yes-and raise them i did these wonderful kids of ours that he is so proud of. yes my H is hurt.... and he also apologizes for any and all hurts in the past...and do i feel bad for him yes to a certain point i do but this is it i'm done and i won't waste another year of my life being so unhappily married...and i did two years individual counseling when my H would not consider same and when i called my T to let him know about my D he said--so you have decided to stop settling--nothing wrong with settling so long as it is what u want...my T knew, just like yours appears to... i wish you strength in the days and months or years ahead....
I have so been where your at! My H was a great guy. He did all the house work, took care of the kids, yard, bills, me. You name it he did it. He would even cut my steak up for me when he packed my lunch. He was always thinking of sweet things to do for me, and I COULD"T STAND HIM! I wanted out of my M so bad. When it finally came to the place were he got tired of me telling him it was over, and I stopped coming home most nights, he finally relented, and got his own place.
Now I just told you about all the things that he did to try to make me happy, so you know things were about to get really hard for me. Both mentally, and financially. But when that day came that he moved out, and got his own place I WAS SO INVIGORATED!!!! I felt so free! Like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. It was wonderful.
Your situation may not be quite as extreme as mine, but your miserable nonetheless. If you are not in love w/ H, and not attracted to H, I find it hard to believe that that can be rebuilt. I heard a comedian put it perfectly "Going back to your EX after things have gone south is like taking milk out of the fridge, finding that it's rotten, and putting it back hoping it will be better tomorrow." Once it's bad, it's bad. Even though you haven't physically left "You have checked out" a long time ago.
Why stay w/ someone for years when your unhappy? Your wasting your youth, and his. Yes, he is hurt now, but he will be hurt later too. At least if you do it now he's younger, and can still find someone else that will love him the way that he needs to be loved.
Here's the thing....nothing is going to get better in this situation -- really for you or for him -- without honesty. As long as you are still in the affair, there is a part of you that isn't in the marriage. There are three people involved here. If you are going to truly try to fix your marriage, it has to be just the two of you. And, the marriage may not be fixable.
He is also fearful and controlling -- the resistance to counseling and the times your relationship has become physical. You won't be able to get things clear between the two of you as long as he is so invested in controlling the situation. And you are fighting his control by having an affair.
Lastly, the lack of sex is a symptom -- not a cause. There are so many issues here -- including the circumstances under which you married. You have never been on your own, and you too are fearful -- of making the wrong decision. Fear is a great motivator, but very destructive to happiness. You're going to have to move beyond that fear to make the right decisions for yourself and your children.
And on that topic, an unhappy marriage is a bad thing for children. Happy parents (married or not) are good things for children. And your children will learn about marriage from watching you and your husband.
No decision you make comes without consequences. But you don't know what those consequences will be. They could be good (happiness for you), they could be bad (regret over your decision), but it's clear that at this time staying in your marriage guarantees unhappiness for you. Is that what you want for your life?
Without a serious attempt at counseling on both your parts, this can't last. And you have to do it without the affair.
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Your story is very similar to mine..except I don't have kids and my M is sexless. A few months ago I told my husband that I was not in love with him and that I didn't want to be married anymore. He was so hurt..I've never seen a man cry so much. He promised me the world and guilted me into staying and trying to make it work. He said I would regret it. We did one day of therapy and the therapist asked to see me by myself. After our first session she was convinced that I had already checked out of the M and I was only there to make him happy. Well, now he acts if nothing
I agree. Well said.
Boodle
yes my H is hurt.... and he also apologizes for any and all hurts in the past...and do i feel bad for him yes to a certain point i do but this is it i'm done and i won't waste another year of my life being so unhappily married...and i did two years individual counseling when my H would not consider same and when i called my T to let him know about my D he said--so you have decided to stop settling--nothing wrong with settling so long as it is what u want...my T knew, just like yours appears to...
i wish you strength in the days and months or years ahead....
I have so been where your at! My H was a great guy. He did all the house work, took care of the kids, yard, bills, me. You name it he did it. He would even cut my steak up for me when he packed my lunch. He was always thinking of sweet things to do for me, and I COULD"T STAND HIM! I wanted out of my M so bad. When it finally came to the place were he got tired of me telling him it was over, and I stopped coming home most nights, he finally relented, and got his own place.
Now I just told you about all the things that he did to try to make me happy, so you know things were about to get really hard for me. Both mentally, and financially. But when that day came that he moved out, and got his own place I WAS SO INVIGORATED!!!! I felt so free! Like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. It was wonderful.
Your situation may not be quite as extreme as mine, but your miserable nonetheless. If you are not in love w/ H, and not attracted to H, I find it hard to believe that that can be rebuilt. I heard a comedian put it perfectly "Going back to your EX after things have gone south is like taking milk out of the fridge, finding that it's rotten, and putting it back hoping it will be better tomorrow." Once it's bad, it's bad. Even though you haven't physically left "You have checked out" a long time ago.
Why stay w/ someone for years when your unhappy? Your wasting your youth, and his. Yes, he is hurt now, but he will be hurt later too. At least if you do it now he's younger, and can still find someone else that will love him the way that he needs to be loved.
Six months ago, my H screamed at me that he wanted a D.
Want to say thanks for all the responses.
I'm not truly putting my heart into it, and therefore I'm destined to remain unhappy...
Here's the thing....nothing is going to get better in this situation -- really for you or for him -- without honesty. As long as you are still in the affair, there is a part of you that isn't in the marriage. There are three people involved here. If you are going to truly try to fix your marriage, it has to be just the two of you. And, the marriage may not be fixable.
He is also fearful and controlling -- the resistance to counseling and the times your relationship has become physical. You won't be able to get things clear between the two of you as long as he is so invested in controlling the situation. And you are fighting his control by having an affair.
Lastly, the lack of sex is a symptom -- not a cause. There are so many issues here -- including the circumstances under which you married. You have never been on your own, and you too are fearful -- of making the wrong decision. Fear is a great motivator, but very destructive to happiness. You're going to have to move beyond that fear to make the right decisions for yourself and your children.
And on that topic, an unhappy marriage is a bad thing for children. Happy parents (married or not) are good things for children. And your children will learn about marriage from watching you and your husband.
No decision you make comes without consequences. But you don't know what those consequences will be. They could be good (happiness for you), they could be bad (regret over your decision), but it's clear that at this time staying in your marriage guarantees unhappiness for you. Is that what you want for your life?
Without a serious attempt at counseling on both your parts, this can't last. And you have to do it without the affair.
Pages