Whew! New Here... My song...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Whew! New Here... My song...
3
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:18pm
Hello to all!

I am in an A w/a man that has been in a LTR (15yrs) w/a woman. Never M, but says he stayed b/c of their now 12yr old child. He says he is unattracted to her,(she gained weight) but they have a co-dependant relationship. Basically she takes care of him, financially, etc. He went to college (she supported him financially) and is now starting his own business...so he is more than broke... He says since we met 7 months ago he stopped having sex w/her... He is surrounded by pillows! The goof!

In the beginning he pursued me w/a passion. He said he wanted a life w/me. That he wanted me to open up to him... He talked about how he would propose marriage to me... Then later he said he was sorry... he lost his head, etc... He is so lost... We tell each other we love each other, although I think he is a little uncomfortable w/this b/c he feels he is not able to be committed to our relationship other than seeing each other every week. He says he needs help to become an independant person and still be okay w/moving out, but he feels trapped by his new business and financial situation. He's affaid of being on his own. I told him I want to wait for him. Now, admittedly I am wonder if I should have said this... We have taken "breaks" b4, but they didn't last long... He just isn't one to "deal" w/stuff. Neither of them are really. His, I'll call her W, b/c really that is the role she fills, knows he has been unfaithful b4, but does not know about us. Can this end anyway but badly for me? Sometimes I wish I could tell her and make him acknowledge my existence. But then, why hurt her unnecessarily? Whew! I don't know what I am saying...

He is a very caring person... many times, all I have to do is ask for something and he does it. I feel his problems are bigger than me. But,I am not prepared to let him go. I don't know if I am helping him by sticking around or not. Is this too much information? -Ariel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 9:15pm

ariel - hello and welcome to the board.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:44am
Hello Ariel -- welcome! Can I just add that this guy is using his SO, and seems to have made a pattern of it? I think that good guys sometimes do this, but they must learn not to if they want to have a relationship with me.... and you should think yourself valuable enough to insist on that too. Please listen to Gurl. He needs to get his act together before beginning anything. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:15am
*sigh* Yes... Thank you for your replies... I know you both have made very good points. I hadn't seen him for a week & on Monday he was mister cuddly & he made me smile & laugh... b/c he wanted intimacy. (He put up w/my jabs.) Tuesday he called, but just left a msg on my vm in the morn'n on my cell. I didn't talk to him all day & later received an email saying he was busy all day & he wouldn't make it to class so he would call me 2morrow. Wednesday came & I told him I felt used. That he was making plans w/Her including a short vac w/friends. No plans are made for us. He never asks me in advance what I will be doing the following week. He said, he loves what we have 2gether, but doesn't like the pressure. I hate that I am pressuring him b/c if he would take care of things & be more involved in our R I would not feel insecure & keep asking questions all the time. I would be seeing him at noon so I didn't say more. I wrote a truthful email I took w/me. I didn't give him the email. His grandma is dying in the hospital & may not make it past 2day. He asked that I not talk to him about our R right now. I am tired. I still plan on giving him the e-mail. He knows I don't just let things go. I see now he has a very strong bond w/his SO and her w/him. That is why they are still 2gether. It hurts to see this. It hurts that he is not including me in the excitement of having a new business, etc. We shall see how things go next week, but I do plan on ending our intimacy. I know it will be painful, but that is my plan. I hope I stick to it. -ariel