Who is living up to whom?
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| Mon, 11-16-2009 - 1:06pm |
3 years ago when my A began, I felt like H could never possibly live up to AP(MM). AP was attentive, we shared so many common interests, we chatted frequently, we made time for one another. Even if not in person, online. We are in a LDA.
We have both been through some trials in our life lately. Mine were early on in our relationship, his are now. I always found time for him, I always found a way to make time for him when my life was turned upside down.
He has been pushing me away slowly over the course of the last 6 months. He TELLS me he can't live without me in his life but his actions are much different. We used to chat on the weekend then at least once during the week. He eliminated weekend chats quite some time ago. Now, chats during the week are rare. If we do chat, it's like me pulling teeth to get him to open up and talk. Our last conversation was a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't about us, it was about a subject we didn't agree on. We are both rather open minded people but he became very offended with the way the conversation was going. It just ended in a very uncomfortable way.
We have not chatted in 3 weeks. I have made no effort to contact him. This is not a game where I am playing NC. I have no interest in speaking with him I am so fed up. He texted me something naughty last week. I responded but not the way he was hoping, I think. That was the last I heard from him. I hate it that he can't just send me a "hi how are ya" e-mail every now and then. And yes, we have discussed all of these things in depth, I just need to vent.
Here's the thing I think that is most eating away at me. The instant messenger that we usually chat on, he has not been signing into all the much. But one that I rarely use, he is on all the time, as if he is hiding from me.
So now the point of my title is that it seems that he can no longer compare to my H who has been attentive, loving, affectionate, warm. All the things that AP once was.
AP will always have my heart but his brooding, distant attitude is getting to be too much and he is on the verge of losing me.

I've been a lurker for awhile now, but your story
"AP's gotta fight for me a bit, otherwise what is the point?"
Very well stated. Would you be wiling to share your story? I don't come here too often as I am now a long timer and most of my issues aren't really the same as the newbies, so it's nice to have a long timer to share with at times.
Here is my story:
AP is my first love from HS. We only dated briefly but had a deep emotional connection and remained friends through out the years. He moved out of state and we didn't have contact for a long time, not for lack of me trying. I looked for him online without success.
3 years ago, he found me on a social networking site. It didn't take us long to become inappropriate, as much as I didn't want that since we were both married. We became physical 9 months later. We have had our moments, most of them wonderful. Until he started to pull away. I used to be able to just get online and strike up a conversation with him and it didn't take long to pull him out of his little shell. Now, it takes so much more effort to get him to talk about ANYTHING. It seems so.....fake. I am very much in love with him but I am done chasing. The longest we have went with NC is 3 weeks. Today is 3 weeks, so as you have said, that ball is now in his court. I am not running to him and working so hard at this relationship if he is not willing to also put forth at least half of that effort!
I look forward to your story!
Sure glad to share my story. I'm glad I found this group one doesn't have many places or opportunities to talk about this kind of love/relationship.
I met my AP through a job I had at the time. I work in the entertainment industry so I'm usually at a job for a few months. Like so many people AP and I had instant connection. Looking back I should've known I was in trouble the very first week we met. I had been married less than a year so AP has been in my life nearly my entire marriage. It wasn't until the week before I left that position AP and I confessed we had feelings for each other. Since then its been phone calls, e-mails, and occasional visits.
Primarily its been an EA because it is long distance. Everything I would say about my AP could be echoed by so many of the women here. I enjoy our conversations, we get along so well. etc... etc...
After we had been communicating for 6mos or so I got spooked/guilty and ended it. He never responded to my "Dear John" letter, but a year later when I contacted him AP was very eager to chat again. But here's our pattern... we will talk consistently and really enjoy each others company, then he'd just disappear (not communicate/respond). It's important to me that I don't interfere with his life. Like so many guys he has an overbearing wife who really monitors everything so he has a lot less personal freedom than me. And to top it off he's not very internet/computer kinda guy. He actually can't type very well so computer communication isn't always best. Anyway I usually breakdown and e-mail or call him after a couple of months and same thing, he'd be so ecstatic to hear from me and we'd talk like nothing had changed.
There have been months of NC in which after a couple of weeks of extreme withdrawl I'd be able to function again, till I felt the urge to go back. Which brings me to the present. Last month has been great. Phone calls, texts, a few e-mails. And things seem to have reached a new level as we made detailed plans for a trip to see each other. We were supposed to talk last week. I got anxious and edgy when I didn't hear from him at expected time. He sent a txt saying he was trying to get off work early so we could talk. But no call. I txt'd him the next day to say "No Worries" and we'd talk soon. Since then it has been no communication from him. So I feel the old pattern about to happen. I don't know if he spooks or what, but I've made the personal decision that I'm not going to keep coming back. He's gotta make this next contact, if he fades and disappears for whatever reason... fine... but then I'm going to get off this roller coaster. However, lest anyone think I need to move over to the EAS board, if I do hear from him; I'm happy to keep going with him. But not if its one sided. If he wants me in his life (as he says he does), he's gotta pursue me.
At the moment i'm calm and feeling good. That's in part because I know its still within that acceptable NC range for our relationship. Talk to me in a week or two I may be saying a different story.