Who's at fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Who's at fault?
4
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 5:50pm

Hi ladies,


As I sit in on my own on a Sat night after my married lover leaving only a few hours ago, I felt the need to google and see if there would be an impartial opinion to be had on the following arrangement;


My love interest got his now wife pregnant by accident, he thinks. By the sounds of her, she's a bit mental so it might not have been such an accident on her part.


Either way it happened and after the relevant time, they had a little girl whom he adores more than life itself. Him and the mother of the child however stopped getting along within days of her being born but put up with it. When the baby was three, he started to think about walking, she copped this and sat him down with this for a predicament. Either you marry me, or you'll never see her again. He went to his father who told him, it'd be the biggest regret of his life. It is. They married in a registry office and went on a 'honeymoon', only and I quote "we forgot that we don't actually like each other very much so that's was a f_cking joke".


On her wedding day, in her speech all she said was, 'I told you I'd get him'. His father couldn't make a speech he was so choked by her. Is it any wonder that these men find us? Or that the single ones are terrified by commitment when they see their peers being treated like this? It's women to blame, not men.


And now there's me, falling fast for him, but has she done so much damage that 1) he'll never leave her or 2) he'll never open himself up to anyone? How sh!t is this? Can ye relate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 7:06pm

Hi lav-senior :)


I'm listening to your story and it sounds like others' I've heard...just a variation on a theme.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 7:29pm

I am going to echo Clarity. My first thought is that you should not always believe what you hear. Married cheaters (and I was one, so not casting stones) often paint their marriages as horrific because sometimes it either makes their cheating seem less deplorable OR because they think that is what their extramarital lover wants to hear.

The fact of the matter is that men do divorce their wives all the time. I am not sure if you are in the US (some of your word usages suggest maybe not), but I am thinking that there are still laws and it would be nearly impossible for her to keep a child from him (especially if she wants her H to support the child). That causes me to see lots of red flags.

I think you should spend some time reading the archives here and perhaps over on the betrayed spouses board (but please respect them and do not post there). You will see lots of stories about single women waiting years and years for their MM to leave their awful marriages. You will also see story after story told by wives blind sided by their husband's affair. Because they did not know they had a horrible sexless marriage. They also didn't know they were the mental cases their H's painted them as for the OW's benefit.

I am not saying that your MM is lying to you for certain. I am just saying that since you don't live in his house, in his marriage, you have no way of really knowing what it is like. Just be careful.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 9:28pm
So when I cheated on my first husband, was it his fault? Or mine? I mean if we're going to blame women might as well blame them when they have affairs of their own AND when their husband can't bother to take personal responsibility for their actions (or their AP's can't accept that maybe their partner is to blame for their actions)...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sun, 04-26-2009 - 11:22am

I just echo,dont believe every word of what the guy says.Your AP might be saying all you want to hear.Telling sad stories about an unhappy M is what will keep you hooked.I am not saying that he IS telling lies but dont believe till you read his journal w/o his knowledge! Those words will be the only true words you can believe,IMO.

Take care (( hugs ))