Who's here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Who's here?
39
Thu, 04-02-2009 - 5:14pm

Some of you know me, so it feels very odd "introducing" myself. So, in lieu of that I thought maybe a roll call so that we can either become reacquainted or get to know each other.

A little about me (at least the Reader's Digest version): Married ten years, currently divorced. Had two affairs during my ten year marriage. Second affair ended in the worst possible discovery and after a two year period of trying to rebuild my H and I divorced. Shortly after that my AP got in contact. He too had "left" his W and wanted to try for a relationship. We did. For about three years. Two of which we lived together. He moved out abruptly and is currently (as far as I know) living a life of bliss with his W.

MAS has always been a special place for me. I met the people who are my very best friends here. I was cl here once before, so if you are so inclined, you can search the archives and learn more than you probably wanted to know.

So who's next? Chime in and tell us a little bit about yourself and your situation.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 10:52pm

Hi!


Came to the board about 6 mos. ago - been in A going on 10 mos. now. I'm MW -going on 21 years and have 2 DD's - AP is MM for @ 15 years with 2 DS. Both of us got married for the wrong reasons and both are complete trainwrecks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 7:27pm

I rarely post on these "introduce yourself" threads because, one, I get tired of writing my own story and two, I'm always so VAGUE about a lot. I'm vague because I don't ever want someone to think to themselves, hmmmm, her life situation sounds like my friend L. From there, it's SO EASY to do a search of someone's posts, and if you find certain little details, you can pretty much be SURE if you've "found" someone you know!

I'm a woman married many years to a man I met in high school. We have children and grandchildren. When we were married about 15 years, I had my first affair. It was one of the totally obsessive, addictive, head over heels, soul mate kinds of things I read about here. He was my best friend, my sweetest lover and I was all consumed. I remember the pain when it seemed I was in love and he wasn't. I remember the unmitigated joy when it appeared he fell in love with me. I remember the agony when we decided (I decided really) to break up because I felt I truly loved him, and he wasn't getting what he needed from me, he was single. It lasted about 1 1/2 years. When I read a lot of posts here from that sort of A, I can put myself back there in a heartbeat - but I can see things from a different perspective now.

My second A started from trying to distract myself from the pain of ending the first. He was also single, but a totally different sort of person. I didn't know it at first - he seemed so charming and amiable and flattering... good looking and confident... but underneath it all, I think he was, at the very least, a total player, and at the worst, a possible sociopath. I say the latter because, once he knew I cared about him, he actually seemed to go out of his way to heap emotional pain on me - kind of like it was a fun game. He would run hot and cold, and when he was cold, he went out of his way to make sure I knew it. He wouldn't just leave me alone, he would contact me in order to show how cold and distant he was - and I was never more attractive to him than when I didn't want him. It was a huge game for him - and I wasn't the only person he was playing it with. We were chess pieces, and he was the chess master. He hurt me so often and so badly I finally just didn't care anymore. And when that happened he tried everything in the book to get me back "under his spell". It also lasted about 1 1/2 years, and it's been 12 or 13 years since we've been involved; I will STILL hear from him, and he'll STILL tell me I'm the sexiest, coolest woman on the whole planet. All because I don't want him anymore - trust me on that. So sometimes I see posters here whose AP sounds very much like him. I wish I could save them from the web they can't get free from, but I guess they have to see it for themselves.

My third affair is my present one. It's been 10 years for us. We have a strong friendship, with benefits. He's also single. Why do I keep seeing him when I broke up with my first AP so that he could "find something better"? Can't explain it exactly... Somehow I feel like I'm good for him - I give him what I can and it's enough for him. I encourage him to go out with anyone who appeals to him - I even give him advice if he's interested in someone. So far nothing else has worked out for him. He doesn't see other people very often, but he knows that I hope and pray that someday he will find someone he can truly share his life with.

I think when we're done, I really WILL be done with A's. I just feel it this time. Although I DO seem to enjoy the "double life, secret life" aspect of it - I've always seemed to have some sort of double life - two entirely different sets of friends who don't even know each other, that sort of thing, since high school. But I'll just have to find a different sort of "double life" after this A is over.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 9:06am

Thank you.

I had a whole bunch more typed, but it turns out...those two words? They say it all.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 12:13pm

Hello, my friend. It is very good to see you. I rarely come here to even lurk let alone post unless I "get news" about a particular post and feel I can help. I was here looking around and low and behold, you are back. I think you have lots and lots of great stuff to offer.

OK, a little about me for anyone that wants to listen. I started my A in 2005. We were both married. My marriage wasn't good and it was an exit A for me. I separated from my x (yes he is officially that, if you are wondering) in 06 and my AP stayed with his W. We continued to see each other and had a good R. We had some ups and downs but it was good over all. I was in love with him and he with me. So I very patiently waited for him.

He finally left (after many tries) in the summer of 08. He moved in with me and it only lasted about 2 months. That 2 months was the most painful two months I have ever experienced in my entire life. He had only partially ended things and kept going back and forth and I finally had enough and kicked him out. I told him that I loved him but he needed to clean things up if things were going to work.

He came back to me a couple of months later. We have had a few rough patches but things are very very good. We have been living together for six months and are great together. We rarely fight and when we do it is respectful and we can agree to disagree. It never perfect and starting a R as an A causes problems in and of itself. So we do have issues on occasion because of that. But we are working through it together.

That is me. I don't come here much because I don't know that I have much to offer any more.

What

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 1:10pm

What!

I remember you! I'm glad things are finally working out.

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 1:22pm

Hi, Mrs. I remember you too. It's nice to see some "old timers" still around. There aren't many.

What

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 4:06pm

Hi What...been thinking of you and glad to hear all's well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 3:02am
I definitely agree with both of you. This is my first post in a very long time. I came to MAS in 2006, I have been involved with a first love again for the last 7-1/2 years. I am still M but now separated. My single AP was led to believe (okay, lied to and deceived) that I was already D 4 years ago, and he still doesn't know.2 years ago I moved into an apartment,tried to make things work with H, who still refuses to go to counseling.... and after that I moved in with my sister for awhile. Now looking for another place to rent that is closer to AP. We are planning yet another trip (actually 2)-one for May and another in September. MAS helped me a lot. I met some very good friends who still help keep me sane. My AP had radiation 2 years ago for cancer, surgery in 2002, and has done well since. My heart goes out to the posters with similar situations of possibly losing their loved ones. My youngest is starting high school in fall and in 4-5 years I should be less tied down. I had a long bout of unemployment recently and my kids still at home have had some ongoing health problems , so it's not been an easy year or so. AP and I are getting along well.We have the same basic issues we always did but have learned to put up with them and not allow them to take over. I have slowly come to learn that he is not my savior , nor am I his. We have found that we can rely on each other but are not overly dependent on each other.Good to see so many old names here . Congratulations , shadowz. I recall many times you kicked my behind when i needed it. You're just the person for the job. I even found my old siggie and dusted it off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 8:39am

Oldlove! I was wondering what happened to you! Glad to know you are OK - one never knows when someone disappears what's really up.

I'm sorry to hear about your unemployment and your kids' health problems. Hope all that works out well!

Are you "fully separated" this time? When you were here before you were more "half separated" LOL. But if you moved in with your sister for awhile it sounds like you're fully separated with H's knowledge.

It's good to see you again. :)

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 9:33am
Old Love!!! Great to hear from you. I am glad to hear Ap is well and that your are doing good also! I do remember that you guys did travel a lot. I am sorry to hear about the job issue and health probs. But is really sounds like you and Ap are on the right track!! Good to see you!