Why?
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| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:32am |
I came to this board after on another board, a poster was complaining about the distancing of their boyfriend (om? what is om?) anyway, she said she was getting support at the "my affair" board, and I was surprised there was such a thing. Thought she could be joking...so then I found myself here and must say am dismayed.
I was thinking well maybe it was support only for people who are trying to get on the right track with their marriage or divorce whatever. but it also seems to be just helping with people who are in affairs.
So instead of telling you what you've already heard about why some think it's wrong - (including myself obviously)
Why don't you tell me what I havent' heard about why you actually have an affair? Why not leave your partner and be single?

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Why do people have affairs?
For lots of the same reasons many of us got married. Conversation, communication, mutual physical attraction, etc. I guess some people have an affair to stave off boredom. Really, there are just endless reasons... but I think probably a lot of people find that something they thought they would have in marriage has gone missing or was never there in the first place. Compromises don't sound so bad at first, but year after year of being unhappy and complacent about it tends to eat away at the psyche.
Why not automatically leave our partners?
Again, lots of reasons. I don't think everyone who has an affair knows for certain they want out of being married. Maybe we have a good relationship in some ways but very lacking in others. Maybe in the end some of us are selfish and just want to have our cake and eat it too. Maybe we never gave ourselves a chance to figure out what we wanted or gave ourselves permission to be happy before -- and now we realize that we would have made different choices. But time and a life invested with someone doesn't automatically get tossed away because we have an affair. We might find that the spouse is actually what keeps us from self destruction -- or we might find they keep us from self actualization.
My affair came about because I was 5 years into a relationship and communicated what I needed and wanted to my girlfriend, then asked her to respond with what she needed that I could try to change. She then changed a little for a while. I married her. Less than two years later she was who she had always been. It's now five years later, and it's more so because now she doesn't really fear me leaving her, despite my openness about how unhappy I am. Truth is that she's mostly happy so my happiness is not a priority for her like hers has been for me. I began an affair because what I want and need to be happy is not important to my wife.
I haven't left her yet because it feels very selfish to just pack and leave without trying to help her understand. She is a very challenging, career-driven woman and has only a few friends. She has made panic sounds at the mere idea of my going over the years, but still can't bring herself to change. Soon I will leave her and move forward with my life, but right now I feel some sympathy for her so I'm trying to save some sort of friendship if possible. I don't want her to be alone and I really believe she will be. She's difficult, but she isn't the devil. It's very hard, and honestly it would have been easier *on me* to pack my things and leave while she was out of town.
And being single isn't really what most of us want. Mostly we want to find some realization of our idea of love. I don't think any of us found ourselves in affairs because we really thought it was totally right or a particularly good idea.
My assumptions are also that the reasons for not leaving is not only feeling bad for the commited partner, but also being afraid to deal with the confrontation of leaving. It's sort of the safe way to find relief.
I have a friend, who used to have affairs all the time. For her, she found comfort in her committed relationship and her self-esteem in the affairs. I could never really understand why she couldn't find those things within herself.
This next statement is not to you directly but just in general...another possible "asking for wrath" statement. I am not in anyone elses shoes, but I could have easily been.
I guess I find it weak, and that weakness can be strenthened in so many other ways besides betraying the one you care about and in my mind weakening your own character. Even if the other person never finds out, doesn't it say something about your own character, strength and pride in yourself?
I am not perfect by any means. I was weak in the sense that I stayed in a committed relationship that was going nowhere for too long. If I had been stronger I would have gotten out sooner. I remember at the time I could have treated myself better by choosing a respectful partner.
I remember we were out and he was being just plain "jerkish", and I just ignored him. A absolute gorgeous guy started talking to me. I figured he was just going to try to bank in on the "poor little passive girl", but he was eye candy, so I talked to him. He was so nice, so geniune - seemingly...but then as time went on, and we really did become better friends, I found he either had one hell of an act or he was really a good hearted guy as well.
Well one time we were alone saying goodbye, the moon was out, the night was beautiful...blablablabla...anyway, he looked down at me, we locked eyes and he bent down to kiss me (very tall guy) Anyway,it took every atom in my body to pull away. I did, butnot without a little swearing first, because the whole thing...not being able to kiss him SUCKED!!! I remember mumbling something like...."Oh, $&!^, I can't, I can't, I can't....See ya!" And then ran the hell away.
And it wasn't about my boyfriend, because really, he was an a$$ and that didn't go through my mind as much as "is this the kind of person I want to be? Someone that holds onto a crappy relationship?"
Later I did break up with my boyfriend, but felt I wasn't ready to get involved with the other guy, because there was way to much baggage to deal with and clean up before I got involved, and he wanted more than just a sexual fling, so I will always wonder what it would have been like - makes for great fantasies, but I am glad I never gave in while I was committed. That would have done more damage on my self-eteem than anything else. I wanted to depend on myself to make the right choices and for me that would have been letting myself down even more.
I commend you on your ability to stay faithful to your boyfriend. I remained faithful to mine for almost all of those 18 years. I have said many times that "straying has never been an option." It was just something I never thought about. If eye candy did walk in front of me and I was with my H, we were both secure enough that I could say whew! he's a hottie." My husband would shake his head and roll his eyes. Straying was never an option, just something to joke about. Then I met another man while my H went north with some friends. Those men called us ladies and told us to "get out of the house and find something to do." Well I suppose what happened next wasn't exactly what they had in mind. I would never say that I'm sorry I met the other man but I am trying to convince him that it would be in his best interest that we stop seeing each other. It is not fair that he wait around for something that may never happen. The other day he said "It's not easy to break up with somebody that you care about." EXACTLY.... see why it is difficult for me to just walk away from my marriage. No matter how bad I could make my husband sound I obviously do care about him.
So yes you are correct... it is weak.
Unlike most of the people who use this board, I have NOT had an affair-yet. I have been struggling with a strong attraction to another man, though I have been happily married for many years, and do not wish to leave my husband.
The people who use this board did not judge me, or criticize me for admitting such temptation. Instead, they offered their views on what would be risked if I crossed the line. They asked me to seriously consider what I could lose. They also said that no matter what my decision is, they will be here for me.
Who better to tell one the cost of an affair than those who have experienced it?
I am resisting temptation for now, and am very grateful that there is a place like this where I can open up and discuss these taboo things, without reprisal.
These women (and some men, too!) stand together, supportive and sharing, non-judgemental, non-preaching. They just listen to you, and offer their insights. I'm so grateful that this board is here.
-Faithful
I have been asking myself this same question for many months. You are right. I am a good person, and so is my MM, but we are weak.
Like demetedelf, I have been with my H since I was 17 (almost 20 years) and we have been married for almost 16 years, we have 2 children. There have been many ups and downs during this time, mostly downs. Unfortunately, for every down, a piece of the M goes missing (in my opinion) and it is most difficult to get it back, even with the few ups. While all of this is going on, the two people in the M change and grow, often into very different individuals, as is the case in my situation. My H is very comfortable in our M - too comfortable! He could and would very willingly continue on like this (he does not know about OR) for the rest of our lives. However, I'm restless! I need more and I want more.
Again, after 20 years together, I feel a certain responsibility to stay in this M - not right I know. My H does not have a great extended family for a support system if we were to split up and that is where my guilt lies. I'm not saying that I'm the be all and end all of his life, but I worry about how he would cope. I have a great family/support system and know that I would always have someone to turn to - he doesn't have that! On top of that, due to the fact that we have been talking about my feelings a lot lately, he has been sending me love notes and flowers and stuff (not his usualy actions), saying stuff like "I don't want to lose you" or "You complete me". Had he been doing this kind of thing earlier in the M, I would have been over the moon, but now, it's just like he's grasping at straws and his sentiments just don't give me that "Oh, how sweet" feeling.
We do all create our own happiness and not look toward someone else to make us happy. But, in order to be happy in ourself, we have to be in happy situations (again, my opinion). When my MM and I are together, we are in a happy situation. We talk, we laugh, we have fun together (and not just sex). He has also been married for almost 16 years (actually, our anniversaries are on the exact same day). He loves his wife, but feels that intimacy and passion are missing in his M - they never had that, so it's not something that has been lost - and they have also had many downs that the residuals of never seem to leave a M. They have a son. And basically, he feels the same way that I do. The responsiblity toward his existing family. However, we also both feel that we are in some way entitled to the elements that are missing.
We have often talked about leaving once our kids are grown. Again, not right, I know this! But, this is where we are right now. Only one person knows where this might lead. We do love each other, we just don't want to hurt anyone - and yes, we do realize that even though our H and W don't know, we are still indirectly causing harm.
There are no easy answers. It's a battle of the mind on a daily basis.
Red
I got engaged when I was 19 and my W was 17. We got married when I was 22 and she was 19. Looking back, I realize that when we got together, we were both at very low points. We were desperately looking for someone or something to cling to. And from there, it was nearly impossible to let go. I did and do love her, but we never really shared interests or values. We've never truly had a conversation that was meaningful. Basically, we're the type of people who should have dated, broken up and maybe even remained friends. But I have been a weak person (notice a trend here?) and my weakness with my W was being afraid to let her go. Being afraid of being alone. So rather than our R ending at some point, we stayed together and got engaged. When we got together, she was a virgin and I was her first. At the time, I thought I was uncomfortable with being the only person she would ever be with so we talked about it and she was with another guy with my permission. Looking back, I know that this was in some way an attempt by me to escape the situation, but I feel terrible about myself for it now. Anyway, that went on up until we got married. Then I started having A's. Again, looking back I think I was seeking something much more than sex, but at the time I convinced myself that was all I wanted. I was with two girls in the first couple of years of our M and eventually confessed my transgressions. She was upset of course but she said since she had been with someone else so she shouldn't be angry. Then we decided to try an open situation. She was with someone and I was with a couple of people. Obviously that didn't work either. So we stopped. About three more years passed and through that period I started to really question my life. I had begun to hate myself for all the things I had done. I knew I had been weak, but I knew that deep down I was a good person. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had done and why. Then I met my current OW. We had talked online before, but she was much younger than I so we hadn't been anything more than friends. We started talking again as friends. But at some point we decided to talk on the phone and from that first conversation, I was blown away. Here was someone I could truly talk to, who understood me and who had the same hopes and dreams I do. At first I resisted. I refused to recognize that I was falling for her. But ultimately I had to face the fact. And it also made me look again at my M. I realized that my W and I really weren't compatible at all. It was like getting hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer. It terrified me. But it was also a tremendous relief. I realized why I had been so weak in the past. And I absolutely refused to let myself be that way again. So from there I had to face what all of us fear. I had to face the fact my M was going to end. I have one child and another on the way so my timing couldn't be worse. But it was time to be honest. So I have been. I'm doing the right thing by my kids and I'm staying for the birth of my child. But after that I will be proceeding with separation and divorce.
I don't know what all of this says about why people have affairs. I think it really only applies to me and my life. I did things I'm very ashamed of because I was not only weak, but I was kidding myself. I was terrified of being alone, but in many ways, I already was alone. I never felt like my M was the right thing for me. But it was easier to just keep going and tell myself I was stupid to want more. Now I know that my weakness has caused even more pain. But I'm no longer weak. And I don't plan on ever having another A again. But at the same time, I understand why people do. And sometimes it is nearly impossible to end the current R or M. So I guess in different ways, I agree with everyone on here. Yes, it is a form of weakness that causes us to seek out A's. And it is the same weakness that causes us to remain in bad R's rather than leave. But we are all human and being weak doesn't make you a bad person. So that is why we are here, offering support to one another. Because if we were to go to any other board, odds are we would be berated. That is why this board exists. Not to encourage affairs, but to encourage and help each other. We're not statistics, we're people.
My first response to the above, is that none of us owe YOU any explanations. This board is non-judgemental and supportive and a venue for us to work out what spins through our heads.
After reading the responses though, I'd like to offer my own comments. I met my H when I was 20 and in college; he was 32 and, although I didn't know it at first, was married with 3 kids. He and his W got married straight out of HS because it was expected. Without going into a lot - his divorce was the best thing for all; we all get along very well and here he and I are 16 years later.
We've been married for just over 12 years. It probably sounds strange to say, but I am not really unhappy in my marriage. I also know that my H would never cheat on me - it's like he's a different person than he was in his first marriage and he's determined not to repeat those mistakes. I have no doubt that he loves me. Our sex life is actually great too. So why am I attracted to someone else?
I ask myself that a lot. But it is the fact. I could quite easily be on my way to being "in love" with OM. But these men are very different and each has a place in my life and heart. I absolutely don't want to break up either of our marriages - OM is 7 years my junior and a newlywed (2 years this May). We know each other's spouses and have many mutual friends.
H and I have had problems that all couples have - money issues, communication issues, etc. OM entered my life at a point where my self-esteem (which has always been a bit of an issue for me) was a bit low - he found me attractive and was attentive where I wasn't feeling it for myself. His attention makes me feel better about myself and makes me more assertive and confident at home. In 16 years, I've never been attracted to anyone other than my H, but OM sets me on fire.
OM is a wonderful confidant - and has helped me through some things that my H is just too close to and can't offer an objective opinion. But H and I have been talking a lot lately and he's really trying to understand my struggles. I think our marriage is in a pretty good place.
This all sounds confusing, even to me. Going back to your original question - why not leave my partner and be single? I have no interest in that. My bottom line is that both of these men have a special place in my life. My husband is my main priority, but I definately want and need OM in my life. I guess ours is more of an emtional affair, although there's been some touchy-feely. Do I want to sleep with him? Absolutely. Will I? Who knows.
I realize that my feelings for OM are a betrayal to my H; but I also think that he benefits from my relationship in that I become stronger and can be more happy with my life. Anyway, that's just my story.
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