Why?

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Why?
34
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:32am
I'm not here to debate as I understand this is a support board, but maybe you can help me understand why you have affairs.

I came to this board after on another board, a poster was complaining about the distancing of their boyfriend (om? what is om?) anyway, she said she was getting support at the "my affair" board, and I was surprised there was such a thing. Thought she could be joking...so then I found myself here and must say am dismayed.

I was thinking well maybe it was support only for people who are trying to get on the right track with their marriage or divorce whatever. but it also seems to be just helping with people who are in affairs.


So instead of telling you what you've already heard about why some think it's wrong - (including myself obviously)

Why don't you tell me what I havent' heard about why you actually have an affair? Why not leave your partner and be single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:01pm
Hah! You worry too much! Where is you belief gone today???? Gotta believe to make it happen.... Blieve Hon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
In reply to: hampton2002
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:09pm
Boston....you give me hope for myself and my future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
In reply to: hampton2002
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:15pm
What a great question. I've been wondering the same thing...about myself.

I have always felt like you. I always believed that having an affair was wrong. (Still do, for that matter.) And like you, I have been tempted before and have always successfully avoided it until now.

I am truly the last person in the world who ever thought I would be in this situation. I have been very happily married for 11 years and with my husband for almost 19. After all these years, I am still crazy about him. He's funny, handsome, smart, attentive...everything any woman could possibly want. He has been the only man I've ever really loved and frankly, he still is.

I never saw this coming. My OM has been my husband's best friend for 8 years. About a year ago I found myself becoming attracted to him and figured that as long as I didn't do anything about it, it was okay. I never told him but about two months ago, he confessed that he felt the same way. We kissed and now we can't get enough of each other. Honestly, sometimes I still can't believe that this is really happening to me.

I am not in love with my OM and he's not in love with me. He's also married and neither one of us want to break up the other's marriage. He would never hurt my husband and I would never hurt his wife (a woman who I respect tremendously). I don't know why we're doing this other than we enjoy each other's company and we fulfill something in each other. Right now, I have told him we can't see each other any more but if I'm honest, I'm pretty sure that if the situation were to arise, I would start it up again.

I always try to learn from things that happen to me and what I have learned from this is that I shouldn't judge other people. You never know what's going to happen in your life that may put you on the same path. Saying "never" is a dangerous thing..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:35pm
I haven't read all the responses to your question, but I've read most (I've got to be in bed soon). Let me give you my story. I met my H 21 years ago. Monday will be our 18th wedding anniversary. I should be filing for divorce next week (although every time I say that, something else delays it!); I left him over 5 months ago. I have been attracted to my SO (formerly my OM) since the very day I met him, but I channeled it into friendship because I am a good girl and I was married. He turned out to be a great friend. Gave me lots of useful advice when I was trying to save my marriage. Told me when I was right to feel taken forgranted, or whatever, but also told me when I was being a princess and shortchanging the guy.

I gave my marriage everything I had in me and more for several years, even though I felt it wasn't real but rather that I was playing a role. I can't tell you how many times I cried over those years, wondering what was wrong with me, why couldn't I make it right? make it work? be happy with what other women were obviously happy to have?

I gave it even more energy from about Dec '02 until our anniversary last year. I gave us a helluva anniversary. We went away for a night to be together and I tried to rekindle whatever we might have left. I really outdid myself on every category...ambiance, location, sex, you name it. (We'd never left the kids before unless it was to go to the hospital to have another one.) It was, by my point of view, a disaster. We got home the next day and I cried because I knew it was over. (that's the last time I cried about our marriage except the day when I told H that I was leaving him.)

Several weeks later, I had a question for SO at work (we still were platonic, though we flirted outrageously with each other). He was standing behind me looking at the computer, trying to help me find what was wrong and he ever so lightly and gently stroked my neck just one time with his finger and that was it. That was all she wrote. It sounds so very cliche and like a harlequin romance but that touch was electric. It literally seared my skin and rocked me to my core. I had to face the truth that I'd kept shoving down deep in my mind and that was that I really dug this guy. So I thought about it a little while longer and finally told him that yes, I'd go to bed with him. A week or so later we started our affair. (Ironically, we still aren't really going to bed together!!!) That's been 10 months ago, now, or thereabouts. I guess it depends on when you would say the affair started. Just by admitting to him that I wanted it to? The first time we kissed? The first intimate act we shared?

Anyway...I never felt any real guilt about it because I knew my marriage was over and that the end was simply a matter of timing. I did spend the rest of the spring and early summer wondering if an affair would be all I needed to keep my marriage intact. SO never wanted me to leave my marriage. I mean, it's not like he's unhappy I did, lol, but he never once asked me to and in fact would encourage me to work on it and assured me he'd stay around. I read so often on this board about how the A gave them what they were missing, so the adultery actually made the marriage bearable. So, I spent a few months trying to work at it from that point of view. It was not a horrible marriage. But the contrast of how OM treated me and how H treated me only made it harder to stay. It brought to light everything I *knew* was wrong in my M, in me, and in H. I realized I deserved better and that my children needed to have better modeled for them. I finally decided that whether or not OM was in my future longterm, I had to leave and reach for more or I would die with a thousand regrets. So I got out.

I'm happy to say I am still with my OM. I have him today, I'll have him tomorrow. I'm reasonably certain I will have him in my life next week. ;-) I try not to look further than that. If there's ONE THING all this has taught me, it's that there are men out there who show their love and appreciation for a woman in a way that makes sense to me. I'm with one now. I hope I'm with him for a very, very long, long time. But if it should end, I will most certainly mourn it, but it's been a great relationship and I know I would be okay, because if nothing else, he's helped me remember that I'm worth holding out for a man who will treat me well.

Did this help?

Lucky

PS...I've recently run into my old boyfriend from high school and college and renewed our friendship. He was the great love of my life back then. He is actually an awful lot like SO in one important respect...a very generous man with a big heart who makes me feel - even now - loved, protected, and cherished. He has tempted me with an affair. On the surface, considering that I'm an adulterer, it makes a lot of sense...his marriage sux and SO keeps insisting that I need to sow my oats and have my fun after 20 years of fidelity, so he's essentially offering that I can and should have my cake and eat it too. My exbf has promised me the world, practically, to make it happen (we *were* very good together). When exbf found out that I'm a fair bit younger than SO he, like everyone else, assumes it's financially motivated on my end, so he promised to help me with my bills if we would start seeing each other again. So, what is there in this scenario to say no to?? It sounds perfect on paper. I'd have two men who love and cherish me. I'd have two guys to support me emotionally, as well. I'd have great sex with SO, and pretty decent sex with exbf. SO is able to spend time with me mornings, before his g/f gets home from work. Exbf would be able to be with me nights while his wife was at work and that's my bad time - I don't like being alone when i'm falling asleep. (I'm learning, it's getting better) So, again, I say, on paper, it looks good. But after wrangling with it, I told exbf that I couldn't have an affair with him. I respect SO way too much. Even though he's 'given me permission', if you will. Even though he lives with his g/f. I don't care. Pretty much without consulting my head, my heart has committed itself to him and I just can't do that to him or to us.

So the old saying isn't true. Just because you betrayed once doesn't mean you will betray again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:42pm
Hello Hampton: When I first read your post, I must admit I was a little irritated by what I percieved to be a judgemental tone. Upon reading the responses from others, I realized just how closely connected we all are. Life's experiences and situations differ with each of us, but besides the commonality of weakness, there are also traits of compassion and a sense of responsiblity that keep us there in otherwise dysfunctional situations. Guilt also plays a role (more so for some, than others). Like you, I never thought I would ever become involved in an EMA. Several years ago, I was very attracted to an OM at work who was crazy about me and wanted me to leave my H for him. I resisted the temptation (and believe me, it was intense), and went on with my life. Trying to condense my story down (30 years with my H, married for 25 of them),there were problems with my M right from the start. My H could not (would not) hold down a steady job for years, which was a main bone of contention for me. When he did finally go to work after we had our first child, he was severely injured on the job and ended up on disability. After his accident, I vowed to try and work harder on my M and help him recover. Physically he healed although he has permanent residuals, but emotionally he remains a very angry, bitter man who feels that life has done him wrong. Well after many years of dealing with his angry outbursts, his drinking and other indulgences, coupled with his refusal to get help (I've asked him many times to go to couseling with me), I've given up. To this day he has extreme mood swings and I believe he could be bi-polar. I believe he needs medication, but flips out at the mere suggestion of it. He remains very dependent upon me, yet in his own way adores me. Now some would say (including those who know me), how did you ever stay with him? In short, because I loved him. I can't tell you how many nights I'd cry myself to sleep trying to understand why it was that I simply could not reach him. No matter how I would try talking to him about things being amiss in our M, he just didn't get it. Still, for 20 years of marriage, I was faithful. In August of 1998, my father (whom I adored), passed away. I witnessed his death and it was beyond anything I could emotionally cope with. Although my H loved my dad, he still didn't get it that the normally strong person that I was, was leveled inside. **Enter my MM into the picture. We worked together in a small office, and he sat behind me. He himself endured the loss of a child years ago, and I guess it was his reaching out to me to help with the grief process that initially brought us together. I should mention that his M was lousy too, long before I came along. He remains in his M currently for the sake of his 12 y.o. daughter. I stay in mine (for now) because of my kids needs, and also for my sister who is living with me and is very sick with cancer. And I stay out of a sense of duty to my H, to continue to care for this man who is emotionally sick. So there you have it. All I can say to those who would criticize me is to walk a mile in my shoes. Thanks for letting me tell my story. If nothing else, this board provides us with an outlet that we all so very much need. Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 1:35pm
I appreciate your question Hampton, and I've often wondered "Why" myself.

I have been involved in an EMA since December, and I really don't have a clear idea of how I got here, or why I'm doing it. I have been married less than a year, and I love my husband completely. I am not unhappy in my marriage, and I have no intention of leaving. My MM is a co-worker that I have been friends with for a few years. We were always very flirtatious (we are both big flirts) but for some reason this school year (we are both teachers) it took on a much more serious note. I never would have thought that I would cheat on my husband, but here I am. I tried not to give in to my attraction, but I am weak. I applaud you for having the strength to "not go there" when you were committed. I wish that I had the same willpower, but I didn't.

As for this board, when I first started thinking about getting involved in this EMA, I posted on her about my confusion. Almost every person here told me to concentrate on my husband and my marriage and to not go down the road to an affair. They said I was lucky to have a man who loved me and a marriage I was happy in. However, I didn't listen. So here I am in love with my husband, and yet developing strong feelings for another man.

I have no plans for a future with MM, and he has no plans for a future with me. He is actually almost 20 years older than me and has grown children my age. I want a family still, and he is all done with that part of his life. Why are we doing what we are doing? I can't speak for him (although I think I have ideas of why he's doing it), but for me I don't really know. I guess on a purely materialistic, selfish level I really enjoy the sex and the attention. That sounds horrid to say, but I think that may be it. I guess I'm one of the people who wants to have her cake and eat it too. I care very much about MM, and when I think about ending it it makes me very unhappy. I don't have plans to end it anytime soon.

Does the fact that I'm involved with another man mean I am a weak person? In my case - most definitely. Does it make a bad person? Some would say yes - and I might agree with them. Has it screwed up my self-esteem? In some ways yes, and in other ways it has helped. Have I lost some respect for myself? Yes. Does it mean I don't love my husband? Absolutely not.

So, I don't know if I answered your question at all, but thought I'd give you one more insight into one more mixed up person! :)

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:16pm
"My first response to the above, is that none of us owe YOU any explanations."

Did I say you did? I just asked and those that want to help me understand can. I appreciate that you decided to. But do I think you owed it to me? NO. I think that could possibly be your own defensiveness kicking in there.

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:18pm
I WANTED TO THANK YOU ALL! Thanks for sharing. Though I feel it's wrong for me and detrimental to a person's self-esteem (well mine at least) That's my opinion and I wanted to thank you for sharing to at least help in understanding.

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:40pm
I didn't use the word never in my posts. I rarely say never, just high doubt. :)

Have I been tempted more than just that time. (lust, not emotionly) but when I see the "potential" I take myself out of the situation as best I can.

If at a place where I can't get away, like work, or a friend of his, then I keep things short and distant. "I take a cold shower" emotionally, and move on. If it was a friend of his, I myself, could only HOPE, hope, hope to find someone to help me solve my problem, the attraction, before I would have an affair. Even if I had to go to counseling.

It was only that one time that I not only was sexually attracted, but I was emotionally empty and needed a "good" guy even more, but I ran and I'll tell you...swore like a sailor the whole way home just knowing what

"a hot evening I ran away from"". But the next morning, I felt happy I didn't. That's just me. Some, not all, do find emotional strength from an affair. I don't see that for myself.

But at least this openness helps in the understanding.

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:56pm
Well, thank you for sharing. There is no way to ask those questions without revealing judgement, but I tried to say that I was not here to debate and that is true. I don't think people who have affairs are "bad". Actually two of my very dear, wonderful, best friends have had affairs or have been the other woman. And what I saw from the affairs not what it did to their relationship as much, but how it prevented them from believing in themselves as they turned to others to help them feel either better or escape.

Did I say they were awful? Did I say they were doing wrong? NO. They knew they could come talk to me. I never said why are you having an affair. I asked why don't you feel strong enough to get out of a bad relationship. One tied herself to a relationship that was comfortable, he was a good guy, but she was scared to leave until she was safely in the arms of someone else. So she had affair after affair...to find the right one. She was beautiful, talented and had so much going for her, but she couldn't seem to escape a life that she COULD change. IT would have been painful to do so, without a "life-jacket" aka: the OM, but for me I began to think...is that why all people have affairs? Because they are insecure in their own abilities to handle the harder things, like breaking up, or ?

But thanks to the posts, I find it is for all kinds of reasons and so for that I am thankful to have more understanding....again, I don't think it's right, but at least my belief of why people have affairs is no longer so narrow.