Why?

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Why?
34
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:32am
I'm not here to debate as I understand this is a support board, but maybe you can help me understand why you have affairs.

I came to this board after on another board, a poster was complaining about the distancing of their boyfriend (om? what is om?) anyway, she said she was getting support at the "my affair" board, and I was surprised there was such a thing. Thought she could be joking...so then I found myself here and must say am dismayed.

I was thinking well maybe it was support only for people who are trying to get on the right track with their marriage or divorce whatever. but it also seems to be just helping with people who are in affairs.


So instead of telling you what you've already heard about why some think it's wrong - (including myself obviously)

Why don't you tell me what I havent' heard about why you actually have an affair? Why not leave your partner and be single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 8:11pm
Hear, Hear! Well done!

What a great, thoughtful response to the question as to why we have affairs.

Brilliant.

Thank you for putting into eloquent words what so many feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 9:22pm
Yes
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: hampton2002
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 11:17pm


Briefly, in reply to the part of your question about self-esteem, I need to tell you that mine, overall, is higher now.

I went ten years without seeing *anyone*. There are reasons for that, going back to my ex-husband telling me when I was 3 months pregnant and 130 lbs that I was "too fat to make love to." Plus, I had three children and two parents to support and care for, school to finish....on and on.

I was burned badly, and didn't trust anyone. I believed I wasn't pretty enough. Then, I met MM..

We spent a lot of time talking, getting to know each other before we ever met. My daughter had run away, and he stayed with me by the hour...just listening, offering advice when asked. He was supportive and loving and helped me laugh, too.

During that time I also re-evaluated everything I'd ever been brought up to believe. (I had been a conservative Christian.) I finally faced my doubts and asked the hard questions. (No, I don't have all the answers now...just more questions. But I'm finding out that lightning doesn't strike me dead for asking them.)

MM never lied to me. He told me he was married the first time we talked. He had no intention of hurting his wife. I finally opened up enough to decide that his marriage was his business and as long as we didn't hurt her, then I'd like to spend some time with him.

Things exploded from there. We fell in love, and it got to the point where he told all of our friends he was leaving his wife for me. I think that was the point where I really began to believe him. Then, when he wasn't quite ready...(they've been married 25 years), and truthfully, I'm still not quite ready either, he got cold feet and I did to.

We don't talk about forever. I won't let him, although sometimes I long to hear those words. But every day, in some way, he lets me know that he's there and that he loves me.

If I were to meet someone else, I would feel free to explore. I would take with me the knowledge that I am a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. These are gifts MM has given me which are beyond price. I can't see ever not having him in my life...the role may change from time to time, but the love is real and precious.

I told him I wouldn't go through another holiday season like I did last year, and I won't. Last year, I was expecting him to leave and I was waiting by the phone, miserable. If we aren't fully together this year, then I'll back off and think of him as a friend and co-writer. A lover, I've been blessed to spend time with. I'm not really cut out to be the other woman...not forever. Its not the sharing I mind, its the hiding. I'm wayyyy too open to sneak around and lie. But we're also writing a book together, and frankly his wife is going to have to deal with that at some point. I'm almost positive she'll hit the roof. She doesn't want to share at all. (I'm not down on her...that was their agreement.) Regardless, I don't see him letting her run the show. He'll tell her that she can decide: stay with him, knowing I'm in the picture, or leave. He won't leave. She will. (Of course, she could surprise both of us...but that remains to be seen.) But I won't sit around and pray for miracles. I'll just handle what is in my control. He has to make his own decisions.

Am I settling in to being his mistress? Yes, in some ways, I guess I am. It's actually a pretty freeing role. I get to have his attention, and I don't have to do his laundry. ;) He encourages me to grow, to think, to learn, to experiment, to play. He demands my best, and gives me so much in return.

Is it perfect? Not even. I go to sleep alone at night and when I can't just call him on the weekends I start questioning things. He's aware of that, and is working hard to make sure we have some contact every day. It helps, immensely.

I guess I'm also realizing that we're not ready for more yet. I've got a pregnant sixteen year old to deal with and an eleven year old to raise. I have a disabled father, and a twenty year old in college. All of these things fill so much of my time, and I hate asking MM to help. Just listening is really all I want. (I'm independent as hell.) But I can see things moving to a point where I will be freer, and when that happens, all bets are off. I'm a nurse. I can work anywhere. And with the confidence I've gained, I feel sure that my future is going to continue to improve.

Do I regret being involved with a married man? I wish he weren't married, so we could be open. But the fact is, I love him. And I'm proud to be a part of his life. And in some way, I plan on being a part of his life for as long as time goes on.

I never really believed in reincarnation. Some of the stories I could tell you about us would make you think twice, (It has for both of us). But I do think that even if our timing is off, we have to cherish the relationship we have today...I would hate to grow old and look back and think I'd missed knowing and loving my Querido. I'm just glad that I won't have to have those regrets.

I'm a better person for loving him. I guess the rules don't really matter. If I weren't a better person, or if it hurt more than it feels good, I'd move on. I'm not running, but I know where those shoes are at all times. ;)



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
In reply to: hampton2002
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 10:03am
Hampton,

The "never" thing really wasn't directed at you. It really is something I have learned about myself. I always said I would NEVER have an affair and I would certainly NEVER fool around with my husband's best friend! Well, life (or the universe or God) has a way of teaching us things we need to learn.

It sounds stupid to say, but I was truly blindsided by this. Like I said, I had been attracted to other men before but was always able to keep that under control. I think it's healthy and normal to think about people outside of your marriage as long as you don't act on it. So right up until the moment we first kissed, I never (there's that word again) believed anything would happen between us. If I had, it's very possible that I would have taken steps to avoid it. But once it happened, it unleashed a flood of emotions and feelings that I was completely unprepared for. It was like trying to stop up a dam with a Q-tip. The fact that he's my husband's best friend compounds the situation greatly and in a wierd way, I'm more worried about what would happen to their friendship if we were discovered. I believe my husband would eventually forgive me but I know it would cost them their friendship and that would be devastating.

So now here I am trying to make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. There's no way for me to not see him (we are taking two extended trips with OM and his wife that were planned long before this happened) but I'm honestly trying not to put myself in a compromising situation.

Even so, I am not sure I really want this to end yet. To be honest, it is very freeing to be with someone who doesn't share in the day-to-day worries of paying bills, doing house repairs, etc. You don't have to worry about where things are going or working out issues (at least in our case). It has certainly raised my self-esteem and my husband has definitely benefited from it. I've felt much more free to express myself in the bedroom and he's plenty happy about that. Guess I have to decide whether the benefits outweigh the obvious risks and downfalls.

I know this all sounds so sordid and I suppose that it is. It's been a real roller coaster ride and I'm not still not sure how the ride will end. Again, I do thank you for your question because it has helped me sort out some things that I've been thinking about for awhile.

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 1:31pm
I can understand why it could be freeing. Isn't there a less "in a bind" way to be free unless you plan to be in this forever. Maybe taking more time for just yourself or you and your husband to .....AHHHHH sorry....I am not hear to preach...only understand. THe truth is you know what is best for you and your life . (NOT said in a patronizing tone - sincere)

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 4:54pm
hampton2003, I am in an affair for the emotional aspect missing at home and as well as sexual. Sexual part was not the main reason, however, to start the affair but it has been one of the many reasons that keeps me in the affair. I fell in love with my soul mate that I didn't meet before I married. I have sexual chemistry with him which is undeniable and he is more than many ways my friend too. I married to please my family and society - yes mine was an arranged marriage. I am still trying to appease my family and friends in some ways by stayting in it. I can tell you that only selfish thing I have done in my life is probably to be in the affair, not that I am condoning it just merely stating the facts here. Don't get me wrong I am not in an affair because I think I have a right to cheat beacuse I didn't have a choice to choose my mate. That is not the whole point of mentioning it, but the mere fact that love has hit me late in life when I am married. :-)

Why can't I be single? I don't want to be single really, its not fun all the time. In fact I was to be with the man I have fallen in love, and if being single to going to get me there, so be it, I will in due time. Hope I made sense. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
In reply to: hampton2002
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 9:04pm
Hampton,

I have had an affair (my only one) for 9 years. I have been married for 18 years. My husband is kind, caring and a wonderful person. He is also not a very strong man. Frankly my H needs constant attention and praise. I just feel he is emotionally weak. I fell in love with another man and I have loved him for 9 years. Yes, I have guilt. But without the OM, I would not stay married.

The OM makes me feel complete. He is married, a great lover and very sensual. He makes me feel desired and like a woman. I melt in his touch and crave his attention. For 9 years he has proven time and time again he would not hurt me. Without children in both marriages, we would get married. But their are children in both marriages and it is best for us to stay in our current marriages.

I don't pretend that having an A is proper or right. But for me, it completes me physically and mentally. I feel alive with the OM caresses me. I melt when he makes love to me.

So, I live two lives. Most of the time I am a married woman of 18 years with two daughters, 15 and 11. We are the soccer family, church family, swimming family and we look to all the world complete. I appear to have it all.

But once or twice a month, I come alive physically. I go out of town and meet my lover. I am then alive personally. I experience physical pleasure that I have never known. I feel protected and desired. I feel like a woman. I just feel like a woman.

Then I go back home and live in my "normal" life. Then every night I as I go to bed I wait for my next trip out of town.

I have an A to give me completeness I don't have in my marriage alone. I hope this is better than divorcing my H. I hope.

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:09am
I have friends who are in arranged marriages(from indian culture) I agree that must be extremely difficult and I can't even imagine the problem if paired up with someone you can't seem to connect too.

I have no idea what is like to be in THOSE shoes, and I think that may be the only time in which I could possibly myself cheat. The family, the pressure, expectations would be overwhelming. You're life isn't quite your own it seems. The strength for me would be coming from just surviving that. I am lucky that I have always been free to choose what I want in life and who I want to spend it with.

I never said single life was fun. I just felt happier being single than being in a relationship that didn't offer not only friendship but sexual attraction. I had been in bad relationship - fairly easy to leave, then another where I knew I was loved, but I just didn't have that "feeling". So I finally just decided to be single. It was hard at first, not safe and comfortable, but soon...that feeling of being free and not bound to something I wasn't sure about became exquisite!

I decided if I don’t find that “one” then I will be okay with being alone. It was about six months later; I actually met the “one”.

Good Luck to you.

Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:47am
But why can't your normal life be as passionate and wonderful as just those few moments? Why condemn yourself to only existing? Why deny yourself from feeling alive more? This may be the only chance you get at life. Though your OM may be married, you obviously have the potential to find someone who does help compliment you better.

The other question is, why did you marry your hubby? Would you be more attracted to your husband if he was stronger? And if so, why not insist on working on that? I mean that would drive me crazy too. That weakness and neediness would drive me up the friggen wall! Usually that passivity and neediness comes from self-esteem issues and I would say that he, we need to work on it, or it won't work. Plus, I would have a hard time not getting irritated with it, which would not help the situation any and make it worse on his self-esteem and if I had children, I MYSELF, NOT YOU, would not be offering a good example of a happy passionate marriage. Especially if I become bitchy towards him because the man's lack of assertiveness drives me bonkers.

I think that strength and a healthy self-esteem is an aphrodisiac for almost all people, male or female, so it's not like what you are asking from your hubby is absurd or selfish, no matter if he is kind or not. Being nice alone doesn't cut it for most. There has to be more dimension. A partner who can stand on his/her own feet, be able to defend themselves and make decisions makes you feel like you both can conquer the world together.

People can be nice, kind, caring AND strong and assertive. Also for some, especially with self-esteem issues, in certain situations like decision making etc, nice can be just another way to escape from an uncomfortable or confrontational situation. It's not really being "nice" at all, it just being passive...and actually selfish. They care more about how they are going to react then to actually deal with the situation.

But the good news is, people can change,especially when they find that they are worth something - then watch out, the fire is lit!

If one of your girls ended up being in a marriage like the one you have, would you tell them to just be happy with the way it is? Would you want more for them? Though I can't put words in your mouth, I can only suspect you would want more for them. So why would you put up with it for you? You're a human being too.

Good luck to you and I hope you can find more "alive" time in your life.


Avatar for hampton2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: hampton2002
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:00am
AH JUST ANOTHER NOTE TO EVERYONE.

As I continue to read everyone's posts, I began to feel more pain for everyone. I don't feel pity kind of pain. I just feel bad that so many (not ALL) are feeling powerless and stuck in a large aspect of their lives. And that seems to be one of the main things I am learning out of this. So then I find myself saying..."But, but you can have a better life"....so forgive me for "mothering" or "preaching", I just hate to see people feeling stuck.

But is it that people are really powerless/stuck or is that just their own perception? And I wonder if that idea about being powerless and stuck is also the right conclusion to come to. I guess I will have to continue to figure that out.