Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Why?
16
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 12:41pm
I just wanted to make some sort of statement. After reading and being a part of this board for a day and a half, I have realized that we give up more than the MM or OM does. It is us who leave our H and sometimes even kids. Why is it so hard for men to leave and so easy for us to do so. Is it that we are stronger and they are weaker or the other way around. I am new to all of this I am currently in my first A we are both married. It has already crossed my mind that I no longer want to be with H, although we get along great, no longer in love. OM says same with him, but like all other men in that "situation" give no signs of leaving. We have never talked about it and probably won't unless he brings it up, reason being he has a kid I have none. Still I think as the saying goes they want to have their cake and eat it too even though they say what they have at home is no good, then why do they stay and we leave?

SAL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 2:15pm
Well, obviously for some people, it *can* be done. Both my OM and my DH make my heart race and overflow with love. Just because *you* haven't been this fortunate doesn't mean that no one else ever has.

On the subject of being "completely happy," read again what someone else wrote: no ONE person can make another person completely happy. It's a fallacy in a lot of female (and some male) minds that out there is some magic soulmate who will complete them and they will be happy ever after. Both my OM and my DH make me very, very happy - sometimes in the same way, sometimes in different ways. I'm sure that if I had more time in my life, I'd find at least one other man who could also make me very, very happy (they only seem to come along every 20 years or so, but I'm sure he's out there).

My DH and I are sure that if one of us died, the surviving spouse could find someone else and be happily married again, because we're both really good at relationships. Relationships aren't some magic formula, and we aren't locks with only one key. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 2:35pm
Then what is the point of marriage. You can't give equally to two people. The time you spend with OM is time lost with D and vice versa. I am not saying that I don't agree with what anyone has said I am just being realistic. Regardless someone is bound to get hurt anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 3:13pm
Maybe you have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I'm not saying I don't agree with the institution of marriage, but study after study shows that what people (especially women) *think* marriage will do for them is inconsistent with what it actually does. Married women are no happier two years after marriage than they were before the marriage, on average.

BTW, I don't take time away from my DH or my kids to see OM. I take it away from myself. And of course I don't give "equally" to my OM. He gets what there is of me after DH and the children. Who said anything about equality? Does one give the same things to one's 16yo as go one's 2yo? Different people in your life get different things. I get the little bits of OM that he has for me after *his* family. This is what is appropriate. "Equality" has nothing to do with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 5:41pm
I'd have to say I'm more aligned with shoudi's way of thinking. We will all probably never agree, because we are operating from two fundamentally different base assumptions: that if I'm happy with my H that I can not/should not/will not be happy with some other man in my life.

M is a great framework for starting a family, establishing a home base and support system of people you love and who love you. But I still don't see why that has to be the end-all be-all of my life and relationships. I think people like Shouldi and Sweet have found a balance for their Rs and Shouldi nailed it: AFTER the priorities of work, family and your immediate home base comes the EMA. It is when people start placing the EMA ahead of their other priorities that you can land in a world of trouble.

Love, not sex. I made no mention of sexual Rs, Sally. I knew you were talking about emotional Rs. But I disagree about loving, being in love, etc. I have never agreed with people's definitions of "I love him but I'm IN LOVE with the other." I think that's a convenient excuse for defining a change in the R, but it doesn't really change the word. In my world, you love someone. Period. How I express that love, how deep it goes, how much impact it has on my life, etc, varies. But I do not distinguish loving my H from loving my children, my parents, my friends, or even MM. I *do* differentiate between WHAT I love about them, what my Rs are with them, and how I choose to express that love. I could tell you - in a completely non-incestual way - that I am IN love with my children. You may not buy that, but for me, that's a fact. I "fell in love" with my children after they were born, and so, I love them.

Interesting discussion. People are going to love in a way that's comfortable for them. Again, your ideas are far from mine so we'll probably always disagree. Please don't take this as an attack on your ideas. You raised the questions, I am offering my input.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 9:35pm
You guys are really helping me with this loving two people concept. I've had difficulty with it, myself. I don't feel like I am capable of carrying on two happy, loving relationships. I truly believe it's not in my make up. OM, on the other hand, completely believes it is possible. He loves g/f and me, both. And I believe him when he expresses just how deeply he feels about me.

I have to set his relationship with her apart from his relationship with me. I have to ask the questions I would ask in *any* relationship....is he honest with me? is he respectful of and to me? Does he bring out the best in me? Does he make me happy? Is he a fun, smart, loving man? These are things that should not be any different simply because we're in an A. If I can answer yes to those questions plus I have his declaration of love, then I must believe that he loves me. He tells me he loves her, too. So, I must believe him. Therefore, clearly, he can love two people. He's slowly getting me to understand this and this thread has helped.

I think the mistake so many people make is that they make allowances for some behaviors they wouldn't otherwise excuse simply because it's an A and therefore, not subject to the same rules. Well, that may be true where logistics are concerned regarding how often you can contact each other, and how often you hook up. It may explain why sudden NC may have to take place based on spousal suspicion. But bad behavior - disrespect, dishonesty, etc - can not and should not be excused because of the A.

Just my two cents

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:47pm
Hi Sally,

It isn't true that the MW/OW gives up more, or is the one to initiate seperation/divorce. Living proof here, my H asked for D while having an emotional/physical A...and, lol, I doubt it was very difficult for him.

I think it is more that most women *think* and *emotionally act* differently, and therefore probably have a different view of A's then do men. I think, too, that being involved with another outside the marriage can cause the microscope effect at home (unconsciously comparing, grass is greener on the other side, etc.).

It's unrealistic to think that one will stay infatuated-in-love with one person at all times, until the end of time. That isn't to say that the initial love can't change into a deeper, more mature love, and that one can't appreciate that love for what it is no matter what else is in their life. It's also unrealistic to think that one can not ever experience that infatuated-in-love experience again - whether with the same person, or another.

Some are satisfied with a mature love and don't require another kind, especially if it is reciprocated. Some require that infatuated-in-love kind of love, and will re-kindle it in a committed relationship, or seek it out even if they love another.

Ditto on sex.

Lovechild Meow ;-)

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