why am I in denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2014
why am I in denial?
7
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 9:09pm

Hello.. Very happy I found you guys.. Finally a board where I don't get called a whore and a home wrecker.. 

Short version of the story: I am married 25 years and have three teenagers. I live 1700 miles away from my college boyfriend. He found me through social networking back in 2009.. We decided to get together in 2009 and haven't stopped seeing each other . We get together about every 6-8 weeks. . We always SAY.. we stay in our marriages because we want the kids to have two parents in the house.  What a crock of crap. I don't leave because I'm scared to be alone. He doesn't leave because he doesn't want to give her 1/2 of his money. I don't have any assets so there is nothing financial keeping me in my marriage. I like my house.. I like my job.. I love my kids and truth is my spouse is ok.. He knows my moods my habits my strengths and weakness. I don't really know if I want to be with the other guy. He is much more sucessful but I think that makes you a little bit of a jerk. I only know how he is with me in a hotel room, or at his house when his wife is away with the kids. Part of me wants to end it but the selfish part likes the attention and the liberating sex we have.-Although everything is on his terms and when it is convenient for him. I'm the one constantly lying ... I've been in therapy for years. trying to figure out this furtive side of me that gets a thrill from this affair.  

dazed and confused

Appreciate you listening.. 

Thanks, S

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 11:39pm

You're in denial because you want your cake and eat it too.  You know this guy isn't going to divorce his wife.  His money or assets are more important to him than you are.  You're fun......you demand nothing, and you wait for the next meeting quietly.  What more could a man ask for?  You have no real complaints about your husband......he's just the good old guy that supports you and tolerates you.  Why don't you try having "liberating sex" with him?  Why don't you go to a hotel room to try it?  You know what you want, and to keep a marriage fresh and happy, you have to get what you want out of it.  Take your husband along with you on one of your therapy sessions......maybe he'll get the hint.  Marriage isn't something that ends when you say "I do"........it's an ongoing process, and it takes work to make it happy and even exciting.  I'm not saying it's all on you.....your husband probably got lazy too......take a second honeymoon, do something unusual to revitalize your marriage.....and let the cheater stay home with his wife and his money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 5:11pm
@ fissatore...if you can't be supportive on a support page then PLEASE LEAVE!! She wasn't asking for advice just more of a vent session. Thank you for always being so helpful now please return to the after the affair support group or the one for betryed spouses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 5:11pm
@ fissatore...if you can't be supportive on a support page then PLEASE LEAVE!! She wasn't asking for advice just more of a vent session. Thank you for always being so helpful now please return to the after the affair support group or the one for betryed spouses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2014
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 8:50pm

Thank you. I was just venting.... i want a place to air my feelings without being called derogatory names. So again thanks for listening.Suzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 12:58pm

Welcome to MAS Suzy Smile

Everyone who has an affair does so because something is lacking somewhere: it could be within your marriage, it could be within yourself.  Based on what you've mentioned, I would lean towards it being something lacking within yourself that draws you to an affair.  Does your therapist know about the affair?  I think it's important to find out why you're doing it, and focus on yourself.  It sounds like your AP is a distraction for you, and perhaps even distracting you from the real issues.  I think for most of us, the attention and liberating sex are indeed alluring, but try to look at the whole picture: you have a husband who is ok (sounds like there's room for improvement there!), a good job and kids, and then a guy who gives you attention and great sex, but also calls all the shots.  As your questions indicate you're already there, affairs can often burden us more emotionally and mentally.  Step back a bit, talk to your therapist: you should be living life on your terms, not someone else's.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2014
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 3:17pm
I hear you.. My therapist knows everything. Indeed we look at "me"all the time.. what part of my life makes me feel that having this furtive/secretive side is necessary. I need to redeem this world so that other world becomes unimportant. I've actually been making progress. I am much more honest with both my spouse and AP. I have been talking more about me and my feelings. My AP listens very intently but like you said, he still calls the shots. I cycle from being so happy he is my life to so angry. I am not ready to end anything right now but do see that I might at least have to take a break to sort out me, and if my AP really loves me the way he says then he would understand. I'm going to see him this up coming weekend and I hope we can really talk .. face to face.. I am prepared to get back on a plane and come back early if that is my destiny.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 07-21-2014 - 4:05pm

I think your AP will understand and wait for you, if you tell him you decided to take a break. As far as you know you are his only AP, so if he wants things to continue he will have to wait.

As to why you or people engage in affairs, certainly all those alluring things must be primary reasons. I wonder if two people who have been together a long time can even hope to match the elements that are present in the typical affair. So is it so much that a marrriage is lacking something, and more that it is something that a marriage can never hope to have, years on. Since everyone is different, these alluring things will pull on some people more than others. In the end then it would seem to come down to more of a drug, an addiction. I think we hearthat word a lot. Something those people are very susceptible to and always will be, and there is no cure. There is only abstinence. An alcoholic stays away from the bar, etc.