Why am I so insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Why am I so insecure?
7
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:46pm
I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels this way? Let me start with my story as I am somewhat new to the board. I am a MW having an A with a MM - I have been married for 12 years, and involved with MM for 8 months. We typically see each other about 1 or 2 times per week..and most times, we are intimate (and it is probably the best sex I've ever, ever had!!) MM and I usually talk on the phone at least once per day - even on the weekends, sometimes at night. He is pretty good about calling when he says he will - although, I panic when he doesn't..also, when he doesn't return my vm's.

I am absolutly, afraid, afraid, afraid to tell him exactly how I feel about him- which is that I love him. I do not ask alot from him, nor do I honestly ever expect him to leave his wife for me. He says that he has an ok marriage, and that most of the time, things are ok at home. I am a firm believer that there is something most defianatly lacking in a marriage if you are in an A with another person. Thing is - I have cried more tears over this man (which, mostly when I reflect back is probably all in my mind) I feel so, so insure about our relationship. I am always waiting for the shoe to fall and desperatly afraid if and when the day comes that we end the relationship.

Just wondering if anyone else out there feels this way? Is this normal? Any advise would be great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:25pm

Hi ducks,


I suppose in many ways... your story sounds similar to mine... both MM and I are married, and in all honesty... I don't want any more from him than what he already brings to my life.


We've both had troubled marriages at times... but neither of us are looking at walking away from them... for me and I think him... we are just missing something that has lead us to one another.


I've been in my EMA for going on 4 years... and while these days... I'm very secure and happy with what we both have... I know in the early stages I just couldn't believe I had such a good thing and wondered when and if he would walk away.


I also admit that I've cried a few tears over this man... more so in trying to understand my own feelings for him and what I really wanted out of our relationship.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:50pm
What's normal? And what is it you want out of this relationship?

Your insecurity is probably a little bit over the top and you really need to chill and control it a bit. For your own sake, not the relationship's.

You say he's pretty good at calling when he says he will - so be thankful he does that most of the time. And be cool and relaxed if he misses occasionally or doesn't return VM's. Just laugh it off because most guys aren't that brilliant about such things. And besides, he has got a life outside of his affair to attend to and you will never be his number one priority.

>>I am a firm believer that there is something most defianatly lacking in a marriage if you are in an A with another person.>>

Don't get too hung up on that belief where males are concerned. While it may be true for most MW who have affairs, and a few MM, it isn't true for all. If he's told you that he has an OK marriage, then believe him!! Some men simply like to have sexual variety (with someone they like and can connect with) and he sounds like one of them. And to most men, sex does not equal love.

You're in love with this guy and I'm afraid you're expecting more of this relationship than what it is - an EXTRA marital affair - and I think you're setting yourself up for some huge hurt. If you're not happy in your marriage, and looking for love and all it entails, then end the marriage so you'll be free to find it with someone who's looking for the same thing.




Edited 2/10/2004 11:54:51 PM ET by cheshierfire

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:27am
i understand...

Just for the record, i do believe that there *is* a reason for a MM to look outside his marriage. A perfectly happy MM just doesn't have an affair. They say that because it's easy. But that's just MHO.

OK...... now as far as insecurity.....every man in my life has hurt me pretty damn badly, really badly actually, and i can't trust anyone yet i am still a trusting person and emotionally, i have been through the WRINGER. My MM knows every LAST ONE of my insecurities and i tell him all the time i am afraid he's going to leave me becuase that's the kind of relationship we have, totally open, and he shares too.

If you are looking for best friend soulmate kinda thing, then open up, take a risk. He may well understand more than you think (my MM understands me incredibly). If you are looking for just sex and a little friendship, then consider just giving it some time and seeing how you feel in a bit maybe.

Sorry that's not much help!

jen

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:53am
ducks37,

I was right where you are when I was married at 12 years, I had been having an affair with a MM for about 1 year. I had my 23rd anniversary not long ago and I am still having an affair with the same MM. He was the 1st person I have had an affair with and the only person I have had an affair with. It has not been an easy road to travel living a double life and I would probably not follow the same path again if I had the choice.

" I have cried more tears over this man (which, mostly when I reflect back is probably all in my mind) I feel so, so insure about our relationship. I am always waiting for the shoe to fall and desperatly afraid if and when the day comes that we end the relationship."

It is not all in your mind and you are not crazy I promise you. The insecurities you are feeling will never go away as long as you are married, and he is is married, not to each other but to other people. There will always be a lingering doubt and fear that the relationship will end. After 12 years having an affair with MM, the same feelings plagued me, and plagued him. It is not and easy life to love someone and be living with another.

To make a long story short, after a 3 month break up so to speak ( Oct thru Dec 2003, the 1st and only time we had ever in 12 years been apart or not communicated for more than a 24 hour period ) after his W discovered we were having an affair. My H also knows of the affair and both of our spouses now know how long the affair has been going on. MM told his W that he loves me. MM has been living in a house of his own for 6 weeks. My H knows I love MM. MM W's filed for divorce which will be over soon. Not sure about my getting a D and when that will take place. MM and I are just taking one day at a time right now and discovering new things about one another that we have never had to look at before.

When I got into this affair, did I think I would be where I am at today??? Heck no I didn't. No way did I think I would ever still be with MM 12 years later and love him even more today.

We are just taking one day at a time right now.

For what it is worth, you will save yourself alot of heartache if you get out now and make your marriage work. There will be a day when your EMA will end, so prepare yourself...it will not be easy.

Take care,


lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 10:07am

hi lillsilly and thanks for all your insights.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:11am
Insecurity thy name is Woman... at least on the outside. I think our guys are just as insecure as us, they just get better at hiding it because society has taught us all that men don't reveal what they are feeling. I am in a new A with a MM. We have been friends a long while, and he is my client. He is also VERY Southern. He's been saying 'he loves me' since about the third phone call. The first time we had IC, in the midst of making love he kept saying "tell me you love me." Afterwards we talked and he explained that he is insecure and he needs to keep hearing that it is more than just a fling. That just ties me up in knots, because I already felt that way but never suspected that he did. Let's face it, we've not chosen an easy path. Insecurities are going to be part of the price given the situation we've created. But look at the rewards. And just as a side note... my opinion only... I don't think an affair is necessarily the result of something wrong in the marriage. Nor do I think that only men need sexual variety. I do believe that it is really difficult for one person to be EVERYTHING to another person 100% of the time. So, when the percentages tip, as they inevitably do from time to time, it is human nature to try and restore balance. In my case, restoring that balance meant I needed to find someone to fulfil needs my husband (whom I love dearly) will not ever be able to fulfil. Hang in there girl. It is both blessing and curse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 12:19pm
Amen to that. Nice to see that I am not the only one who knows for a fact that men can be just as vulnerable and insecure as women if not more so.