Why am I so insecure?
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| Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:46pm |
I am absolutly, afraid, afraid, afraid to tell him exactly how I feel about him- which is that I love him. I do not ask alot from him, nor do I honestly ever expect him to leave his wife for me. He says that he has an ok marriage, and that most of the time, things are ok at home. I am a firm believer that there is something most defianatly lacking in a marriage if you are in an A with another person. Thing is - I have cried more tears over this man (which, mostly when I reflect back is probably all in my mind) I feel so, so insure about our relationship. I am always waiting for the shoe to fall and desperatly afraid if and when the day comes that we end the relationship.
Just wondering if anyone else out there feels this way? Is this normal? Any advise would be great!

Hi ducks,
I suppose in many ways... your story sounds similar to mine... both MM and I are married, and in all honesty... I don't want any more from him than what he already brings to my life.
We've both had troubled marriages at times... but neither of us are looking at walking away from them... for me and I think him... we are just missing something that has lead us to one another.
I've been in my EMA for going on 4 years... and while these days... I'm very secure and happy with what we both have... I know in the early stages I just couldn't believe I had such a good thing and wondered when and if he would walk away.
I also admit that I've cried a few tears over this man... more so in trying to understand my own feelings for him and what I really wanted out of our relationship.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
Your insecurity is probably a little bit over the top and you really need to chill and control it a bit. For your own sake, not the relationship's.
You say he's pretty good at calling when he says he will - so be thankful he does that most of the time. And be cool and relaxed if he misses occasionally or doesn't return VM's. Just laugh it off because most guys aren't that brilliant about such things. And besides, he has got a life outside of his affair to attend to and you will never be his number one priority.
>>I am a firm believer that there is something most defianatly lacking in a marriage if you are in an A with another person.>>
Don't get too hung up on that belief where males are concerned. While it may be true for most MW who have affairs, and a few MM, it isn't true for all. If he's told you that he has an OK marriage, then believe him!! Some men simply like to have sexual variety (with someone they like and can connect with) and he sounds like one of them. And to most men, sex does not equal love.
You're in love with this guy and I'm afraid you're expecting more of this relationship than what it is - an EXTRA marital affair - and I think you're setting yourself up for some huge hurt. If you're not happy in your marriage, and looking for love and all it entails, then end the marriage so you'll be free to find it with someone who's looking for the same thing.
Edited 2/10/2004 11:54:51 PM ET by cheshierfire
Just for the record, i do believe that there *is* a reason for a MM to look outside his marriage. A perfectly happy MM just doesn't have an affair. They say that because it's easy. But that's just MHO.
OK...... now as far as insecurity.....every man in my life has hurt me pretty damn badly, really badly actually, and i can't trust anyone yet i am still a trusting person and emotionally, i have been through the WRINGER. My MM knows every LAST ONE of my insecurities and i tell him all the time i am afraid he's going to leave me becuase that's the kind of relationship we have, totally open, and he shares too.
If you are looking for best friend soulmate kinda thing, then open up, take a risk. He may well understand more than you think (my MM understands me incredibly). If you are looking for just sex and a little friendship, then consider just giving it some time and seeing how you feel in a bit maybe.
Sorry that's not much help!
jen
I was right where you are when I was married at 12 years, I had been having an affair with a MM for about 1 year. I had my 23rd anniversary not long ago and I am still having an affair with the same MM. He was the 1st person I have had an affair with and the only person I have had an affair with. It has not been an easy road to travel living a double life and I would probably not follow the same path again if I had the choice.
" I have cried more tears over this man (which, mostly when I reflect back is probably all in my mind) I feel so, so insure about our relationship. I am always waiting for the shoe to fall and desperatly afraid if and when the day comes that we end the relationship."
It is not all in your mind and you are not crazy I promise you. The insecurities you are feeling will never go away as long as you are married, and he is is married, not to each other but to other people. There will always be a lingering doubt and fear that the relationship will end. After 12 years having an affair with MM, the same feelings plagued me, and plagued him. It is not and easy life to love someone and be living with another.
To make a long story short, after a 3 month break up so to speak ( Oct thru Dec 2003, the 1st and only time we had ever in 12 years been apart or not communicated for more than a 24 hour period ) after his W discovered we were having an affair. My H also knows of the affair and both of our spouses now know how long the affair has been going on. MM told his W that he loves me. MM has been living in a house of his own for 6 weeks. My H knows I love MM. MM W's filed for divorce which will be over soon. Not sure about my getting a D and when that will take place. MM and I are just taking one day at a time right now and discovering new things about one another that we have never had to look at before.
When I got into this affair, did I think I would be where I am at today??? Heck no I didn't. No way did I think I would ever still be with MM 12 years later and love him even more today.
We are just taking one day at a time right now.
For what it is worth, you will save yourself alot of heartache if you get out now and make your marriage work. There will be a day when your EMA will end, so prepare yourself...it will not be easy.
Take care,
lillsilly
hi lillsilly and thanks for all your insights.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board