Why am I still unhappy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Why am I still unhappy?
8
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 2:06pm
Hello, I have been MIA for a while now. I am not sure if anyone remembers me or my story. My story is not so different than anyone else's here. I am a MW and he is a MM. Been together under a year. In a whirlwind of activity he moved out and then so did I to our own places and now we have what we have only dreamed about. What everyone here dreams about. A real relationship. But. Although my feelings are still strong for him and I love him and being with him, its so different now that its a real thing. I am experiencing things I didn't expect. Like - I miss my DH. I know he wasn't the best for me or the best to me but I still miss him. MM knows too and doesn't understand why. I am upset a lot. I wonder if I did everything I could for my marriage. Even though in my heart I know I did, it still haunts me. I feel forced into an instant relationship with MM. MM knows all this and it is forming a giant wedge between us because he takes my weeping as a sign that I do not love him. Noone knows of us as of yet but its going to come out eventually and what a mess it will be. Jobs, family, friends. All of a sudden, love conquers all doesn't quite cut it. I keep thinking about how they say a relationship built on a web of lies and deceit has no chance. Is this true? Noone on this board could have wanted a real life with MM more than me and now I have my chance so why am I tormented?

Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 6:59pm
What you wrote is exactly what keeps me from doing anything about my M. I know this is not a good way to live either, but they say be careful what you wish for. Deep down, I think I would feel as you do. I wish I knew what to tell you - I can certainly understand and sympathize. Do you have anyone in your life who knows and you can talk to? Maybe you just need time to adjust - you've changed your life quite a bit in a fairly short time. Try to be patient with yourself and find something to help you relax. I'm sure you're very stressed and that's not good. Even going for long walks can help. Maybe there are others on the board who can offer you some wisdom.

MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 7:42pm
Ivy,

I know how hard it has to be...wanting something so ideal and then when you get it...well, its not all you thought it would be.

I have thought about it alot too, if my MM and I would ever leave our M and be with eachother. How hard it would be for the kids, our friends, our family. But you know what? If I ever got the chance....I would lavish in it. Love is hard enough to find, let alone keep. If you and MM truely love each other...it will work.

I love my H, he is my first love...my first everything. But my parents see how he treats me, how bad his temper is...how he lashes out. Will I always love him? Yes. Will I always love how he treats me? No. There is more to love than being insulted and bruised. Thats why I searched for A with MM.

Best of luck. I know its hard. Just be patient and hang on....

Jeli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 12:10pm
Although you can always second guess the decisions you make, don't torture yourself. You did everything you could to make the M work is what you are saying. Have a clear conscience about that. When fantasy turns to reality, it can be quite sobering. I think this is what you are experiencing. Change is something you need to give yourself time to adjust to. You are grieving the end of your marriage. That is normal. Allow yourself that so you can move forward. I hope your MM will be understanding of what is happening right now. Adapt, adjust, overcome and prevail. That's what my MM says to me. You are finding happiness with MM at the expense of others and I think this is unavoidable in these situations. You are in transition. With strength and support, you will come through to the other end. No gain without pain? Well, hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 12:41pm
Ivy,

I am so sorry that you feel so sad when you have what you have dreamed of. I think that you may be mourning the loss of your marriage and I think that is understandable and normal. I don't remember how your H treated you, but if it was unacceptable, please stay tough and don't get drawn back into it. Being instantly involved in another relationship, may be too much to deal with right now. Just take a deep breath. It may be helpful to go back and find some of your posts from the past and read why you so desparately wanted a real life with your MM. I know that it sometimes helps me to read my "happy" posts when I feel down.

Hugs to you

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 12:57pm
Ivy,

I don't know how long you've been separated from your H (divorced yet?) but it sounds like you still need time to process the emotions of ending one relationship before jumping headlong into the next. It sounds like you're just looking for a little space, to get over what you have lost (the M, the R that was there, the life that it was) before moving full speed ahead. And I think that's normal. We all need to take a little time to say goodbye, especially to something that was very emotional, very involved and possibly long-term.

I don't know what you can tell your OM. Once you decide if you DO need a little space to get over things, you need to tell him. Whether or not he's going to understand is going to be up to him, but you have to take care of you right now. Who said that just because you finally get to have an open relationship with OM, that it was going to be wonderful and work out like a fairytale? That's the chances we take...

Good luck to you Ivy. I hope you can find a way to heal yourself.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 5:01pm
Hi Ivy....

How long did you and MM have this A before leaving your spouses?

While I am still at home, and I don't think my MM will ever leave his W, and I don't expect him to I'm doing all that I can to take care of myself so that I can leave my H. I too wonder if I will miss my H, and the last time we seperated i did miss him, but I moved to a worse situation.. in with my mom and it didn't really help me cuz we both knew our "break" was temporary. I am now (an have been for a while) keeping a journal of all the day to day things that happen with my H and I, so that when we get D, I can read it and remember why exactly I wanted a D, and what H and I go through now. Remembering will make me never want to come back.

Think back, remember why you left, what you did to salvage your marriage, and why you had an A in the first place.? I know that for me, I could never tell my H that I have had an EMA and I don't want to live the rest of my life with a man I don't love, and can't be totally honest with.

=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 1:01pm
IVY,

I feel for you. I have been there done that. And let me tell you it ain't easy!! My relationship with my H was not ideal from the very start. Our marriage was ok on the surface but a lot of emotional dysfunction going on in reality. He is a very controlling and manipulative man. I tried to make it work but I felt something was missing or was very wrong. Then I met OM, someone who was so great and so good and so loving. We had an A. I finally ended up leaving my H as I felt that I need to be happy for myself and I couldn't deal with the controls and I wanted to be with my OM. We had plans of getting married and being together forever. We are so inlove. He lives 500 miles away so he could only come at least twice a month and it was hard specially with my H still bugging me and wanting me to come back and work on our relationship again.

OM was so supportive of me. It felt really strange being on my own and yes, given the fact that my H didn't treat me right, I still freaking missed him at times and that was so weird because all the time that I was with him all I can think about was to leave and allow myself to be happy and get the love I deserve, I kept telling myself, nobody's gonna love me the wrong way again!!! and yet here I am in a situation where I was by myself and free to be with OM when he comes down and slowly starting to build a life that we both only talked about before.

But you know somehow I would get into these major guilt trips, thinking that I didn't do everything to make my marriage work and that maybe there is still hope. My H kept promising me he was going to change and on the other hand my OM was so loving and supportive and understanding. And here I was feeling crazy as ever, confused if this was really the right thing. The guilt trip was major! With family and friends torn in between.

THEN I decided to go back! OM was crushed and couldn't understand why. My H was happy and I tried to make it work again.....BUT you know what, its not the same. Its even worse now. My H always brings up OM in our fights and a lot of times I get insulted because I was with another man and therefore labels me a slut but can't seem to see his own contributions why we ended up this way and why I ended up looking for affection elsewhere. I regret ever coming back and I only have myself to blame for the choice I made, but I guess I needed to try and see if it was still going to work probably for my own sanity, I had to be sure. OM and I are talking again. I realize that he is the one thing that is constant in my life and I feel so bad for all the hurt that I caused him. I feel that I didn't hold on as longer as I should have and I should have prevailed and saw it through. I didn't give myself enough time to heal myself and grieve for my marriage knowing that it has taken its course and no matter what I did, it can't be put back together again. Instead I decided to go back and repeat the whole process only to find out that it was done and find out the hard way. Now I am making plans of leaving again but financial things need to be settled first, I am scared but I am miserable and I have to make myself happy. Of course I still have feelings of doubts and confusions but I guess I am more at peace now. My OM is still as loving and as supportive as can be and still waits for me patiently. He always tells me that he loves me with all his heart and soul and I know this in my heart and soul too.

Just wanted to let you know my story. I hope it helps you. Bask in what you have with your MM now and yes, listen to yourself and listen well. I know you are overcome with varying degrees of emotions all the time but don't overthink everything as I am prone to do, LOL I give this advice to you and yet I find it hard to do. OH MAN... Be well and take one day at a time and this much I can tell you...... your happiness is important and at the end of the day when everything seems so confusing think of this, "WHAT BROUGHT YOU THERE TO THAT SITUATION AND WHAT IS GOING TO BRING YOU TO YOUR GOAL AND THE END RESULT THAT YOU DESIRE"...it helps to realize that again and again coz sometimes we loose track.

Take care and sorry for this long post. HUGS

Saddy2003

(hoping to be Happy2004 soon :-) )

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:40pm
Thank you, Ladies, for sharing.

I have only just seperated, and haven't *missed* stbxH...don't think I will. But, maybe that is why I was emotional this past week, letting go of something that we learned should last forever, especially with children involved.

Ivy, I don't hold the concept that a relationship built on a web of lies and deceit has no chance - the deception and lies wasn't with each other. Of course it has a chance, though it will take work, more work than as an open relationship progresses.

You and MM have been together only a year, not even that - that is not very long, especially when it hasn't been an open relationship. You have both been through alot of changes in that short time, and it seems especially for us women that brings on inner turmoil in varying emotions. And that's ok, even good for healing...but don't let it torment you. Recognition is the first step in recovery - you *know* why you've been upset (alot of times it's work just to get to that point!). Accept those emotions - you're living and experiencing and those emotions are proof. When you can accept your emotions, you can take action, make decisions. Do you want to go back to H and try and work on your M again? Or, do you want to let go, move on, and take with you what you've learned?

IMHO, it's a very good thing you are experiencing the turmoil *now* so you can deal with it now, instead of pretending it's not there only to resurface later, maybe years later, pealing through the layers to get to the root of the problem.

Of course Love doesn't conquer all, (just as money doesn't, lol). Love doesn't make problems go away, but it sure does help cope with them, doesn't it?! About your friends, family, co-workers, etc. ...I would ask myself who I will be having that relationship with - the relationship you have with your family, friends, etc. are seperate from your relationship with MM. Some will be supportive, some won't - you only need to rearrange your audience so your supporters are in the front rows, and non-supporters in the back (or out of the theatre, lol) - keep those who support you close to you, but not next to you - because you are living your life, not theirs.

In the past, members would often post this: make sure to do something just for you, Ivy. If possible, take a weekend away all on your own - live in your pj's in the hotel room, watch soaps and veg out. If that's not possible, schedule yourself some time for a walk alone, a nice long bubblebath, loose yourself in a movie. The idea is to indulge yourself, refresh yourself.

And, stay positive - you have the ability and the strength to make decisions based on your happiness. It sounds to me as if you're heading in that direction, even if it is sometimes two steps forward, one step back.

I hope you find time to keep us updated, and mostly I hope you are feeling more yourself.

Hugs,

Meow