Why can't I let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Why can't I let it go?
15
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 2:12pm

When I talked to XAP last Thurs, he ended the call by saying he hoped to talk more the next week.  So, all week goes by & no word from him.  I found myself obsessing over it, and Friday sent him a short email.  I was mad at myself as I was doing it - he's the one who ended it, why am I making an effort?  I felt so needy and clingy... pew!

He called within 5 minutes.  Turns out his holiday weekend wasn't good, and that had carried over into his week.  He was down and talked mostly about his problems and how he's trying to stay busy to avoid thinking about me.  He said he's really confused about us, and when I asked why, he said "because it just always leaves me wanting more".  I have no idea how to take that.

So I feel he's really wanting/needing to cut me out completely.  I ask if he wants me to leave him alone - he says "I'm the one who called you, aren't I?"  He again says how much he misses me and having someone he can talk to.  He called me again about an hour later; I'm not really sure why.  He was a bit distant then, wanted to tell me to have a nice weekend, and I could tell at the end of the call he was fumbling to not commit to talking again, so I abruptly said "take it easy" & he seemed relieved.

I've been dealing with a lot of problems the last few months, and in our first conversation I told him I wished God would take a little weight off my shoulders.  With everything that's been thrown at me & the anniversary of my son's death approaching, he knows how hard I'm struggling to not give in to depression.  Last night, he sent me a txt that said "you're God's best creation".

I'm really feeling confused today.  I honestly don't know if we're taking a break, moving on, just going to be friends or casual acquaintances, if he wants it to be over, etc. etc.  I feel I need to give him time to sort it out, and I'm fighting that because if I just back away is he going to forget me, find someone else, yada yada.  I know I have no control over that.  Since he ended it, he's been doing all this work to his lake home that they moved to, looking in to new hobbies, gone to the dr for things he's put off for years.  Is it an attempt to stay busy or is he already past the stage of acceptance & I'm in the past?  ugh.  I'm not wanting to move on, but I don't want to be a fool either. I'm already wanting to txt him today & ask what he wants or if I'll ever see him again. Why can't I let it go???

Since he told me they were moving, I haven't been real happy in the situation because I knew it would mean having less of him.  I never wanted a promise from him that we would end up together, but I needed to know it was a remote possibility, if that makes sense.  And to me this move signified a dead end.  So why can't I take some time to think about what I want and be rational that if it was going to end eventually, I may as well deal with it now?  Does it really matter what he's thinking or feeling when the bottom line is he doesn't want to be with me???  How do I fast forward to the point of taking it at face value & quit trying to make something out of what's not something anymore?

I hate this.  I feel like I'm 16.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 1:09pm

create, I think you truly are mourning the end of a relationship that was meaningful to you.  you may not feel it, but I do think you have begun to let go of the dream.  It is painful and youa re trying to heal your heart.  I think the best right now is that you understand that thikngs are ending, even as you see that your AP is having trouble letting go.

Good luck and much peace to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:33pm

Thanks for responding kittery, I was thinking I scared everyone here off with my meltdown! 

Yesterday was 3 weeks since I've seen him - the longest we've been apart in 6 yrs.  Tough day, but I'm feeling better & was able to get into some projects around the house this morning.  He called while I was running to get some lunch.  I was pleasant but more focused on grabbing what I needed from the store, and he ended the call by letting me know he'd be available this afternoon if I wanted to call.  I think he asked me 3 times if I was doing ok - maybe it bothered him that I kept saying yes & was upbeat.  When I got home, I saw he had tried calling my house phone & had e-mailed, which I know is his m.o. when he's feeling insecure.  Anyways, not going to ramble again & I'm not going to spend my day thinking about it.  It's just strange that I wanted him to initiate contact & now that he has I'm feeling weird about it.  I realized yesterday that I don't want to go through the pain of the past 3 weeks again at a later time. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 3:19pm

Create, I very much believe that you are doing the healthier thing by not fixating in trying to get him back.  You are right that his constant contact confuses you because it makes you dream again, which is very dangerous.  Keep in mind that if you don't want him to contact you, you may tell him so.

Please stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 9:39pm
(((create))) I'm so sorry that I'm just responding. I've been so caught up in my own issues I forget other people need someone to talk to too. Everything you said in your post above I've felt in the past week or two. You know this obviously from reading my post. But your not alone, and you are doing the right thing by focusing more on yourself and keeping yourself busy. Who knows why these guys need a break. I wish I had the answer that we all seem to need/want. He's giving you mix signals and it's not healthy for either one of you. I hope things get better for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 11:24pm

Thanks everyone.  He called again today, said he was going to call me when he could leave the office & see if I was available to meet somewhere for coffee, even though he felt seeing me would bring back all the feelings he's been trying to put behind him. (yes, he was debating it with himself)  He never called back.

We've comforted each other for a long time, and I know he's reaching out because he's hurting, just as I'm wanting him to because I am.  All I could focus on tonight was the comment he wants to put this behind him, even though he immediately corrected himself for saying that.  I know what he meant - that it would bring back the rawness of it all.  But I think I'm grabbing onto whatever I can to stay in the letting go vs. hanging on phase.

Sire, the reasons he stays are such a mess, I've been scared to talk about it, but his R with SO is emotionally abusive.  In the time I've known him, he had some great realizations & stood up for himself more, but once he decided he was too financially stuck in debt with her (why they moved) & too afraid to leave, he just laid down.  The last serious talk we had about it, he said he doesn't want to live the rest of his life having confrontation, just wants things to be as simple as possible & that he's fine.  He'll be one of those guys coming up with hobbies to spend all his time in the garage.

Anyways, blah blah blah, lol.  Emotional overload - time for ice cream!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 9:00am

Create, as someone in a long term A, I read and FEEL your pain, I have no advice other than try to keep yourself busy and treat yourself wherever you can. Sending you strength and (((((hugs)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 12:24pm

He called again yesterday - didn't bring up not calling me back & didn't bring up meeting, said he was just calling to say 'hi'.  I had to cut it short, so later sent him a txt making a joke about something funny he'd said - no response & I haven't heard from him today.

I want him to call.  I'm in love with him and miss him, and want to know he misses me, too.  But then his not following through with what he's saying makes me wonder if I'm even reading that right.  Is he just confused?  Is he letting me know any contact will only be on his terms?  Is he keeping tabs on me & where I'm at because he's seeing someone else & doesn't want me to catch him out and about with her?  Good grief.

I decided if he called today that I wasn't going to be available to him - I think I need to do that.  But now he hasn't called, I won't hear from him over the wknd, so I have to stay strong into next week & not let myself miss him enough to answer. :smileysad:  I want to call him & ask what the deal is, but feel doing so just makes me look desparate.  ugh.

I'm staying busy but my mind stays on it no matter what I'm doing.  I check my phone constantly.  I'm obsessing over where he is & what (or who) he's doing.  Maybe I'm trying to have ugly thoughts to make it easier - ?  I really need to get a grip; I'm making myself miserable.  Anyone have suggestions?  Sorry to be such a whiney baby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 9:00pm

He used to call on the wknd every time he had a chance.  I think part of it is being more settled in our A and routine, and part is his social life away from her has really changed - she doesn't like him going anywhere without her.  She doesn't like his friends or have the same interests, though, so things end up being all about her & her world.  Now that they've moved & are in a smaller house with only 1 tv room & no distraction from each other, I wonder how long it will be before one of them snaps!?!

I caved and sent him another txt Fri asking if we were only going to talk when he initiates it.  He replied that he was fishing with his son & would call later, which he did, but I wasn't around.  He later sent me a txt saying he was available if I was still looking for a massage.  I didn't reply until the next morning & just said he always was good at that.  I didn't want to encourage it, but since I wasn't offended I didn't want to fly off the handle about it either.

With as strange as the break-up was, I wondered right away if there was another woman.  He said absolutely not, but knowing how upset I was I don't think he would've told me if there was.  I can't dwell on it.  Deep down I know there eventually will be; I guess he has to deal with thinking that about me too.

Thanks so much for your support!  I know things are really tough for you, too, but it sounds like you know exactly what you want.  I wanted to be with AP in a real R, but was never strong enough to walk away.  I figured he'd never come after me & I would've missed out on him totally.  Does that sound f'd up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 6:32pm

((fluff))  I've been wondering if you've heard from him & how you're doing.  I'm glad you're on match.com.  I've gone on dating sites a few times over the course of my A just to reassure myself there are other options!  Unfortunately my heart wasn't in it & I didn't want to be misleading, but I may have to push myself to give it another go.

I'm staying busy.  Yesterday was a month since I saw him last.  :womansad:  I mentioned it when he called on his way to lunch & he went quiet and said he'd lost his appetite.  We did end up talking a while longer about trivial things, and he again brought up the massage.  Not real sure the point of his feeling me out on that when he's the one who ended it - ?  Anyways, he again brought up wanting to see me for at least coffee, so we'll see if he actually follows through this time.

I'm not sure I'm determined to break his hold... I don't know that I would've ended it if he hadn't.  After he told me they were moving & that alone was rocky, then his brother died, his SO was in the hospital for over a week with a rare virus, I was having new health problems & as a result had major financial stress, and was having some pretty good tantrums over his moving.  He was being pulled in so many directions, and when I first sensed something different with him was 2x he left here when I was pretty stressed out about keeping a roof over my head, which was the week before he ended it. 

I realized yesterday that in the month apart, I've dwelled so much on what happened and if he'd come back to me that I haven't really thought about what I want.  I was pretty much the caretaker in my M, and along the way it became my role with AP, so I'm not even sure how to start putting myself first.  AP always tells me to demand more for myself, and sadly that's like a foreign language.