Why can't I let it go?
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|Sat, 09-08-2012 - 2:12pm|
When I talked to XAP last Thurs, he ended the call by saying he hoped to talk more the next week. So, all week goes by & no word from him. I found myself obsessing over it, and Friday sent him a short email. I was mad at myself as I was doing it - he's the one who ended it, why am I making an effort? I felt so needy and clingy... pew!
He called within 5 minutes. Turns out his holiday weekend wasn't good, and that had carried over into his week. He was down and talked mostly about his problems and how he's trying to stay busy to avoid thinking about me. He said he's really confused about us, and when I asked why, he said "because it just always leaves me wanting more". I have no idea how to take that.
So I feel he's really wanting/needing to cut me out completely. I ask if he wants me to leave him alone - he says "I'm the one who called you, aren't I?" He again says how much he misses me and having someone he can talk to. He called me again about an hour later; I'm not really sure why. He was a bit distant then, wanted to tell me to have a nice weekend, and I could tell at the end of the call he was fumbling to not commit to talking again, so I abruptly said "take it easy" & he seemed relieved.
I've been dealing with a lot of problems the last few months, and in our first conversation I told him I wished God would take a little weight off my shoulders. With everything that's been thrown at me & the anniversary of my son's death approaching, he knows how hard I'm struggling to not give in to depression. Last night, he sent me a txt that said "you're God's best creation".
I'm really feeling confused today. I honestly don't know if we're taking a break, moving on, just going to be friends or casual acquaintances, if he wants it to be over, etc. etc. I feel I need to give him time to sort it out, and I'm fighting that because if I just back away is he going to forget me, find someone else, yada yada. I know I have no control over that. Since he ended it, he's been doing all this work to his lake home that they moved to, looking in to new hobbies, gone to the dr for things he's put off for years. Is it an attempt to stay busy or is he already past the stage of acceptance & I'm in the past? ugh. I'm not wanting to move on, but I don't want to be a fool either. I'm already wanting to txt him today & ask what he wants or if I'll ever see him again. Why can't I let it go???
Since he told me they were moving, I haven't been real happy in the situation because I knew it would mean having less of him. I never wanted a promise from him that we would end up together, but I needed to know it was a remote possibility, if that makes sense. And to me this move signified a dead end. So why can't I take some time to think about what I want and be rational that if it was going to end eventually, I may as well deal with it now? Does it really matter what he's thinking or feeling when the bottom line is he doesn't want to be with me??? How do I fast forward to the point of taking it at face value & quit trying to make something out of what's not something anymore?
I hate this. I feel like I'm 16.