Why did I let him talk me into this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Why did I let him talk me into this?
7
Sat, 01-25-2014 - 1:21pm

New to this so I don't know all the abbreviations I see so bear with me here.

I am 43 year old woman married for 16 years.  No previous affairs.  I actually thought I was immune!  No children except for his two grown children from previous marriage.  Husband is 10 years older than me.  Things were great at first but have gone downhill.  We have had some financial problems we are trying to work out of.  We have different sleep patterns so he has started sleeping in the basement.  He actually lives down there pretty much.  He comes up for food and showers but that is all.  We have not been out together alone without friends joining in about a year.  Vacation with friends as well.

Sex is very rare once every few months or so.   He must take pills so nothing is spontaneous.  When he gets in the mood he just wants me to take care of him.  He doesn't need a pill for that somehow.  It is easier for me just to do that for him and avoid an argument.  Needless to say I am frustrated. 

Enter affair partner.  I have worked with him for several years and we are always friendly. I have always been attracted to him. We aren't in the same department, but he has to come to mine twice a week for paperwork.  He is 38 and married with no kids.  We had a business trip together in August.  I got the vibe that he was interested in something while we were away so I just distanced myself as much as I could.  He had stated that his marriage, which is only 3 years in, was pretty much a roommate situation only and that he wasn't happy. 

In October he was in my dept and someone a coworker made a off color joke.  We all laughed.  A little later he emailed me that he had something to add to the joke but was scared to say it.  He said text me tonight and I will tell you.  I did and that started the entire EA.  Email every day at work. Text or FB at night if we could.  Him coming to my office for no reason. He kept begging me to meet him outside of work.  He starts calling me babe, Hun etc.  I resisted for about one month but ended up meeting him one Saturday and the PA began.  It was wonderful!   

After 3 meetings in that one week, one actually occurring at work in a hidden area, he stopped all communication.   We had received notice that all company emails were subject to monitoring and so he used that as an excuse.  He doesn't want to contact me at home in case my husband sees my phone.  He says that I can contact him anytime.  I have contacted him many times.  Sometimes he is friendly sometimes kind of cold.  We have had 2 more sexual interactions at work. He  still comes by my office twice a week.  He is always friendly and flirty. 

Two weeks ago we arranged for another meeting after work.  He never contacted me to confirm or cancel.  I knew he was blowing me off so I didn't go because I knew he wouldn't show up.  He came to my office the next day and acted like nothing had happened.  That was 2 weeks ago.  I have not contacted him at all and he hasn't me. Our last sexual encounter was 4 weeks ago.  He still comes by my office and is friendly and flirty.  

Did he just lose interest after he got what he wanted?   Why is he still flirty?   Why doesn't he just let me be?   I know he has had a couple of other affairs with women at work.  Did he start up another affair?   I really don't think it involves his marriage, because that would be an easy way out for him to just say he wanted to work on that.   Did I come on too strong by continuing to chase after him?  I have completely fallen in love with him.  I don't want to leave my husband and don't want him to leave his wife.  I just want the excitement to continue. 

I have become obsessed!   Think of him all day every day.  Facebook stalk him, hoping he will message me. Have so much anxiety on the days I know he will be in my department.  I have started counseling.  Will he eventually work his way back to me? 

Sorry so long but I really need advice!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 3:47pm
Please look at this outstanding message. Find a way to love yourself. You will find greatness in yourself if you just focus on loving you and demanding more from the ppl in your life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhKB3DdghNA
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 11:04pm

I know that you are right.  It's just really hard. I do want to try to remain civil for the sake of having to work together.  I resisted him for so long because I really did have good self esteem before this started.  It seems that he has drained it all out of me.  Maybe I don't really love him?   It feels like love but it is probably just infatuation as you said.

So now what do I need to do now?  Should I just leave it alone and hope it goes away?  Or do I need to actually talk to him and tell him I want it to end?  What do I do if/when he contacts me again?   Opinions appreciated! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 1:43pm
Please stop all of the physical stuff at work. You have already admitted that this man is making his way through the office and using lonely women like yourself. I'm sure what you feel for him isn't real love, it's infatuation. Men like him juggle multiple women. They find women who lack self worth and then they pounce on them and keep coming back and dangling carrots attempting to get laid until what little self esteem they had is all gone. It's time to talk with your DH about how you feel about the lack of s*x. It sounds like you two are going to stay M, so why not try to rekindle things with your DH? It would be a lot better than being used by this dude.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 1:22am

I would say number one you need to really be careful with the friends you tell which is why I like these boards. Its great you are standing your ground because he is testing you to see how much he can control, he knows you can't go out at night so this is to see what you will do for him. He is  missing the sex or there might be a dry spell at his house ,so now he wants to reconnect. It hard to let go,because we are hoping that something might happen or change,I am having a hard time just unfriending my friend and like I said yours is way way more involed ,so I can imagine what it feels like to have to let go in this situation,but do you want to him to continue to treat you this way? You can  really be into somebody and hate them at the same time since they have qualities you like and other qualities that you just can't take in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 9:19pm

Thanks for the replies   This has been so hard and the two friends I have told really don't understand my situation.  

The funny thing is, for the first time in over two weeks, he actually contacted me last night.  The first time he initiated the contact himself in more weeks than that.  He apologized for the "miscommunication" we had the last time we were supposed to meet.  He still wants me and wants to continue.   I explained that I would be leaving later this week for vacation and that it would be a couple of weeks before I would be around.  He actually said "What?  You're going on vacation?  Where are you going?  That really sucks for me."  Like he has the right to question me!   We haven't been together in weeks.  

Anyway he asked could he please see me before I left.  I told him I wasn't sure.  I had to get off the phone so he asked for me to message him today.  I messaged him tonight.  More of the same crap from him. He wants me to schedule something.  I told him he blew me off last time and I won't do that again.  If he wants to see me he can pick a time and I will see if I can.  He didn't even attempt to set something up.  He wants us to get a room some night.  He knows that I can't do that.  I have to be home every night, I have no excuse not to be.  Besides, I'm not going to risk it for him at this point! 

I agree with what everyone says.  He is just trying to keep me on a string "just in case" he wants to come back at some point.  I can't believe that after weeks he just decides to make contact!  And why in the hell won't I just tell him off!   I had the go to hell conversation all mapped out in my mind and then he contacts me and I melt.  Can you love someone and hate them at the same time????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 6:51am
Just to be honest it sounds like he knows he has you no matter what he does,so know he is not putting in the time as much to keep you happy,because in my mind standing somebody up is just wrong and then to act like nothing happened with no excuse and a apology.He also know that when he comes by and flirts that keep you on the hook ,because he know he will want the sex again and does not want to lose you for that. Its hard letting go and your has been intense,so I can immagine seeing him on face book and hoping he will text,the woman I was into had not even started getting to the hot part and I am having trouble letting go ,but I think when you start to see that YOU are the only making any effort then it because easier,because you don't want to be the sad person hanging on.In your case also I am sure its hard to look at going back to be with your husbad after what you said above,when this guy made you feel so special ,but right now from the mind of another [guy/me] he is just playing with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Sat, 01-25-2014 - 4:20pm

Dear Bluethoughts:

I'm sorry you're feeling pain over this. I don't have a great answer for you other than to share that I am feeling the same sense of "pull back" in a more protracted sense from a man I have been in a long-term A for 12 years.  Our most recent encounter had an undercurrent to it and he has been much less giving emotionally to me lately.  Yesterday as we said "good bye," he said (for the first time ever) that he would likely not be in touch over the weekend (for no real reason -- even during times when he would have not likely been able to contact me, he did).  It hurts.  Haven't heard from him today.  Spent much of it depressed and in tears.

It does sound like this man doesn't wish to continue the physical affair with you.  There are so many reasons why he's pulled back, of course.  Not sure if you feel you know him well enough, but can you try to talk with him openly about things?  Express how his ambiguity hurts and confuses you?

Not to minimize this in the least, but perhaps better to know now and end it (even if it's painful . . . trust me, I KNOW) than drag it out over more time and yuckiness.

Remember (as I am trying to do) that YOU TOO have power and choice in the situation.

Good luck and let us know . . . XO