Why did I want to believe him???
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| Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:15am |
Just to introduce myself a bit before asking a question, I ended the A 5 years ago was in it for 18 months.He is married to the same woman, I am still married as well.
At the time my M was in very bad shape and I needed a friend and believed he was one, in time I learned he really was not one, I thought he was a nice guy ,guess again right.
I guess time has given me a prespective that is not that common when you are in the A.
The Question I would like answered is : If the MM is cheating on his wife lieing to her, scheeming toget together with the OW and in some cases spending family assets on her how could "I" or anyone else convince are selfs that he is a NICE OR DECENT person.
If it was "MY" or your husband doing this to "ME" are you would we think of him as a nice guy, How about if your sisters husband or your best girlfriends husband was doing it to them?
I do not mean to offend anyone by this question or insult any genuine good men some may be involved with, It is just that I now know a bunch of women in this situation (B/S's) and am wondering now how "I" could have believed all the B**LSH*T he was feeding about his mean/bad/frigid wife etc, I know her now on a personal basis and she really is an ok person that most people posting here would most likly be ok with (NO she does not know about the A).

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To attempt to answer your question about my being a nice or decent person, At the time I was in very bad emotional shape my H was an abuser (emotionaly) and I was an easy target for a man with a sob story to take advantage of and that is what he did, did I behave badly YES.
If the question I asked was easy I would not have needed to ask it.
It is true you need to walk a mile in somebody elses shoes to know them.
Here is a fact that I have learned from stats and from studying some of the posts at several boards, the majority of men that have A never leave the wife even when there are no children or serious finances involved, at another board I heard them called Cakemen (have there cake and eat it to types)there are women like this to men so try not to scream.Fare more women will leave there M then will men for the AP (these are stats not my ideas).
Now for the person that suggested I was being nerrow minded let me ask another question: If your husband (presumes your M ) meets a person that makes him complete is it ok with you if he has an A to or does your mind narrow at the idea.
Once again these are honest questions not intended to p/o anybody just to provoke descussion if they upset you the next question you should ask yourself is WHY.
Free
Edited 6/1/2004 10:48 pm ET ET by charlotte1203
Thank you for the very interesting and insitefull response.
Yes I got hurt big time no question and seeing it happen to my friends does not help.
You are right about the name calling (cakeman/woman) stuff it does not really help does it, I think calling other people narrow minded because they may possably have a different point of view falls into the same catagory.
You are right your view does change with time and emotional involvement or lack there of as time distances you from the A as I am sure yours will change again when it has been over for some years.
It has been a pleasure to meet you.
Free
IMHO, there are many good BS and WS out there and sometimes it is about compatibility in certain areas. My MM does not tell me that his W is a bad person and I know that she isn't, or that they have a horrible marriage. But in any marriage, or relationship, even if two people have a mutual goal for a good relationship, their individual approaches (and expectations) can be counterproductive to that goal.
I don't believe that a person is automatically nice or decent just because they don't cheat, or that they aren't because they do. You can't lump all affairs (or marriages) into one pot. However, if two people are in an affair (or marriage) with different expectations, the result is generally disappointment on someone's part.
So to answer to your question: With "anyone" cheating, I'd look at their reasons and the relationship as a whole and I would also look at "my" expectations if I am considering a relationship with that person. However, I would not automatically assign qualities. By the same token, I do believe that some people act in a manner that they are familiar with when under pressure and do not try to learn new behavior.
Also, wrt my sisters or friends, I believe that people generally have an idea of what someone is capable of when they enter into relationships and get to know them. However, they either convince themselves that "reality" isn't possible, or they ignore what is happening and don't appreciate someone telling them otherwise. So...I let others be responsible for the type of relationships they choose and maintain.
Your question is basically like that of many BS when they are hurt and feel that the OW shouldn't want to be with a MM because he is a "liar/cheat". However, it is rather contradictory when they feel that way because they too want to be with that same liar/cheat. Know what I mean? I tend to look at whether "I" want to be with someone and not what others' intentions should be...
Rose
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