Why did I want to believe him???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Why did I want to believe him???
61
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:15am
Hi Ladies

Just to introduce myself a bit before asking a question, I ended the A 5 years ago was in it for 18 months.He is married to the same woman, I am still married as well.

At the time my M was in very bad shape and I needed a friend and believed he was one, in time I learned he really was not one, I thought he was a nice guy ,guess again right.

I guess time has given me a prespective that is not that common when you are in the A.

The Question I would like answered is : If the MM is cheating on his wife lieing to her, scheeming toget together with the OW and in some cases spending family assets on her how could "I" or anyone else convince are selfs that he is a NICE OR DECENT person.

If it was "MY" or your husband doing this to "ME" are you would we think of him as a nice guy, How about if your sisters husband or your best girlfriends husband was doing it to them?

I do not mean to offend anyone by this question or insult any genuine good men some may be involved with, It is just that I now know a bunch of women in this situation (B/S's) and am wondering now how "I" could have believed all the B**LSH*T he was feeding about his mean/bad/frigid wife etc, I know her now on a personal basis and she really is an ok person that most people posting here would most likly be ok with (NO she does not know about the A).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:40am
A good question. If you were to meet my wife, you would say: "Gosh, she is so nice, thoughful and understanding. What a great person." This would be a true statement from everyone's perspective. Eveyone's but mine. If you could live a day, no forget that, an hour, in my shoes you would see what kind of a person she really is. Let me tell you, it's not pretty. I'm sure there are people out there that are not "Nice" or "Decent", and they lie about what's really going on at home. But from my personal experience, I have learned the hard way about who this person I married really is. I guess her brother knows this too, but no one else. It's tough to know exactly what is going on in anyone's life unless you are the fly on the wall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:35am
Not all A's are about someone just out there trying to get their's. Some just fall in love at the wrong time. Not every person that cheats is a lying sneak in general and everday life. Yes the behavior during the A isn't right, at least that's my opinion. But if you really and truly find the Love of a lifetime and they turn out to be married. Unhappily, how could you walk away from someone who so completes you? I couldn't, he's my other half. One question, why would you ask if a MM would lie and scheme to see OW and sometimes spend family assets on her, how could they be believed to be a decent person? Weren't you yourself lying and such to see MM? Are you not a decent person? Yes like I said there is always the ones out there who are just plain pigs, women too. But there are plenty of them who are really in a tuff spot. They really do love this OW, but in order to be with her they half to lie. It's just not an easy question with no easy answer. But I can't and don't believe for a moment that if someone has an A they are not decent human beings. That would be a very narrow minded opinion. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:37am
EVERYONE thinks my H is the best man on earth. I would never tell one soul about my A, but if I did every single person would think I am CRAZY to possibly lose this man. HOWEVER, I have lived with him for a very long time and everything they like about him is driving me crazy. Yes he is loving and giving, but on my end he treats me like a little girl who can't fend for herself. Yes he gives me alot of attention, but on my end he is smothering me alive. I could go on and on. So yes, unless you have lived in someone else's shoes, you have no idea what their life is like. I am a very nice person and everyone I meet likes me, but yet I have lied to my H to be with another man. My friends would be "freaked" if they knew. What I am trying to say is I am not the person that everyone perceives me to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:26am
I believe in my OM because I am a believer. Yes, its as simple as that - you either have faith in the other person or you don't. I am the-glass-is-half-full kind of person - have always been that people sometimes have been surprised by my naivity (sp??). I am an eternal optimist and the optimism I have had has never let me down. Also, I don't feed my OM any *BS* about my situation at home and neither does the OM. My OM knows better than to believe - "he/she is frigid/mean" routine. Nobody is mean/bad - just not plainly incompatible. My 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:35am
Hi JD I thank you and all the others for responding.

To attempt to answer your question about my being a nice or decent person, At the time I was in very bad emotional shape my H was an abuser (emotionaly) and I was an easy target for a man with a sob story to take advantage of and that is what he did, did I behave badly YES.

If the question I asked was easy I would not have needed to ask it.

It is true you need to walk a mile in somebody elses shoes to know them.

Here is a fact that I have learned from stats and from studying some of the posts at several boards, the majority of men that have A never leave the wife even when there are no children or serious finances involved, at another board I heard them called Cakemen (have there cake and eat it to types)there are women like this to men so try not to scream.Fare more women will leave there M then will men for the AP (these are stats not my ideas).

Now for the person that suggested I was being nerrow minded let me ask another question: If your husband (presumes your M ) meets a person that makes him complete is it ok with you if he has an A to or does your mind narrow at the idea.

Once again these are honest questions not intended to p/o anybody just to provoke descussion if they upset you the next question you should ask yourself is WHY.


Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:25am
Free - not jdreamer96 but here is what I think. When somebody's spouse falls in love another person it usually that things have not been going well in the marriage for various reasons. It doesn't usually happen overnight - its NOT like they got up one morning and said I have found this person who completes me and that's it. There are lot more factors than that involved and its not a simple answer as you have presumed it to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:34am
deleted


Edited 6/1/2004 10:48 pm ET ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:47pm
Thanks Charlotte, your post made me feel better about myself. I did make a vow to my H and that has moved on to the kids also. I would think it purely selfish of myself to leave them when we had this life planned out together. I'm willing to be selfish enough to find something for myself, but I don't think I would ever be able to take it so far as to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:30pm
Hi Charlotte

Thank you for the very interesting and insitefull response.

Yes I got hurt big time no question and seeing it happen to my friends does not help.

You are right about the name calling (cakeman/woman) stuff it does not really help does it, I think calling other people narrow minded because they may possably have a different point of view falls into the same catagory.

You are right your view does change with time and emotional involvement or lack there of as time distances you from the A as I am sure yours will change again when it has been over for some years.

It has been a pleasure to meet you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:41pm
Hello Mefreenow,

IMHO, there are many good BS and WS out there and sometimes it is about compatibility in certain areas. My MM does not tell me that his W is a bad person and I know that she isn't, or that they have a horrible marriage. But in any marriage, or relationship, even if two people have a mutual goal for a good relationship, their individual approaches (and expectations) can be counterproductive to that goal.

I don't believe that a person is automatically nice or decent just because they don't cheat, or that they aren't because they do. You can't lump all affairs (or marriages) into one pot. However, if two people are in an affair (or marriage) with different expectations, the result is generally disappointment on someone's part.

So to answer to your question: With "anyone" cheating, I'd look at their reasons and the relationship as a whole and I would also look at "my" expectations if I am considering a relationship with that person. However, I would not automatically assign qualities. By the same token, I do believe that some people act in a manner that they are familiar with when under pressure and do not try to learn new behavior.

Also, wrt my sisters or friends, I believe that people generally have an idea of what someone is capable of when they enter into relationships and get to know them. However, they either convince themselves that "reality" isn't possible, or they ignore what is happening and don't appreciate someone telling them otherwise. So...I let others be responsible for the type of relationships they choose and maintain.

Your question is basically like that of many BS when they are hurt and feel that the OW shouldn't want to be with a MM because he is a "liar/cheat". However, it is rather contradictory when they feel that way because they too want to be with that same liar/cheat. Know what I mean? I tend to look at whether "I" want to be with someone and not what others' intentions should be...

Rose

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