Why did I want to believe him???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Why did I want to believe him???
61
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:15am
Hi Ladies

Just to introduce myself a bit before asking a question, I ended the A 5 years ago was in it for 18 months.He is married to the same woman, I am still married as well.

At the time my M was in very bad shape and I needed a friend and believed he was one, in time I learned he really was not one, I thought he was a nice guy ,guess again right.

I guess time has given me a prespective that is not that common when you are in the A.

The Question I would like answered is : If the MM is cheating on his wife lieing to her, scheeming toget together with the OW and in some cases spending family assets on her how could "I" or anyone else convince are selfs that he is a NICE OR DECENT person.

If it was "MY" or your husband doing this to "ME" are you would we think of him as a nice guy, How about if your sisters husband or your best girlfriends husband was doing it to them?

I do not mean to offend anyone by this question or insult any genuine good men some may be involved with, It is just that I now know a bunch of women in this situation (B/S's) and am wondering now how "I" could have believed all the B**LSH*T he was feeding about his mean/bad/frigid wife etc, I know her now on a personal basis and she really is an ok person that most people posting here would most likly be ok with (NO she does not know about the A).

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 3:31pm
HI Fair

Glad to here from you, haveing said that do'nt take anything I say to heart.

How do you know what is happening in there bedroom at night, got you a spy cam or is it just mostly his word and the fact that she may have an bad of attitude with him when others are around (I have been there).

Has she revealed this to you herself, or do you assume it because of the way she talks about him to you?

Could there be a reason she is like this if it is true, after all you have a reason with your husbands lack of interest\ability in the bed.

How old is your husband is time just takeing it's toll on him or was there things that got him to this point.

More of those annoying but OOOOOOO so interesting questions.

Sorry to be so snoopy but people just hold such a great interest to me, Please understand in noway am I judging you guys at all.

Hope you feel free or inclined to answer

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 4:55pm
Hi Fair Lady,

You are quite honest about your affair and your reasons for it. I guess I am a lot like Free with all the questions. You mentioned you don't give a rats axx now. Do you mean about your H finding out? Or about your marriage to H potentially breaking up because of it? You mentioned that right now your A is in limbo due to your H finding out, so that implies you kept your relationship with MM a secret. I go back to the curious question I keep asking, but no one has answered yet...what were your reasons for keeping the relationship a secret from H? May be a stupid question to many, but a curious one for me. And yes, I am aware of the general, "There could be many reasons people keep it a secret" answer. I would be interested in what reasons there were for individuals to keep the A a secret from their spouse...only if you care to share of course.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 5:31pm
hurray for the believers!!!!....i have to agree whole heartedly here. i have been so patient and some dont understand how i could wait for 3 years going on four now. its because i also am a believer and i have hope. that this incredible man i have found will one day be all mine. its hard to explain how you can put blinders on and ignore what your head tells you. but i believe, as well as most here do...that you stick with it as long as your heart allows you to. when the negative outweighs the positive, then you have to think about getting out. but untill then...we love, we believe, we hope, with all of our hearts.

laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 9:45pm
Hi waiting this is not Fair it's me FREE

I don't mean to come off being nasty to you BUT (the big old but),Is it believing or self dulusion after 3-4 years it's time to start asking the hard questions and prepare to exit the fantasy that we all love so much.

Even if you decided to leave you would find it very hard haveing invested so much time in him. Have you ever considered finding a single Guy who could give you 100%.

Do you ever get tired of haveing the crumbs while his wife eats the cake.

I have been were your at and believe me I am not trying to be mean but the stats make it clear that he will most likely never leave his wife but in time will most likely end it with you if the A becomes a problem for his M.

Adios

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:40pm
as always here opinions are welcome, sometimes we need someone on the outside looking in. it definitely brings some clarity to a situation. i know i havent posted much about my relationship.

december 13th was the three year mark. for over a year he has lived away from his W. across the country as a matter of fact. she is on the west coast he is on the east coast nearby me. now that its been a year, he has made plans to see a divorce lawyer this month. if all goes well his legal relationship to her will have ended within a few months from now.

so yes, i do have hope, and i do believe, and i do love him with all of my heart.

thank you so much for being concerned. its wonderful to have a place here where we can care about one another and not be judged. i guess im just hoping that i may be part of that one percent that beats the odds.

laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:26am
Hi Waiting

I hang my head in shame I did not check my facts before shooting off my mouth SORRY.

IF it is any comfort I believe that the rate for people comeing out of an A getting together and makeing it work are a little better the 20% not high but better then 1% you indicated.

Now to reduce my ignorance could I ask why your liveing on the wrong coast (just kidding)that is differant coasts ,JOB.

Are you M or single, did the affair start before or after the seperation, sorry about the number of questions but I just hate looking stupid.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:48am
well, i am a west coaster at heart, was born and raised in southern california. my ex was a marine, we got stationed on the west coast in 92. kind of got stuck here. the carolinas tend to grow on you. and i cant imagine raising my son in a big city like where i grew up. i like the smaller town atmosphere and the slower pace of life here. now if i was without a child i would be back in SoCal in a heartbeat.

i was seperated when i began seeing my MM. he was married and living in the south west. he travelled alot on business so i got to see him about once a month, sometimes more. a year into the relationship i finalized my divorce and his W found out.

during year number two of us spending time together he took up an opportunity for a better job that moved him to the east coast. about 5 hours north of me. he told his W he wasnt moving the family with him.

by year three he had been geographically seperated from her. and he is supposed to see a lawyer this month. im not dropping everything for a move just yet though. his job may have him move again. so when he knows where he will be we will start planning on being together. hopefully by the end of this summer.

and never be embarrased...we are here to support one another and ask just the kinds of questions you did. who knows...maybe those questions will help someone walk away from a relationship thats going nowhere...that just isnt me right now.

laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:52pm

This was a great thread.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:03pm
First to sister Waiting

GOOD LUCK I hope he comes through for you and does not run any games on you (I admit I do'nt trust a lot of these guys because I have seen some of them leave there Wife and there OW about the same time) but we hope for the best.

FREE

Hi Good

In my option no one should be subject to abuse by there spouse period, I spent about 10 years in that country and will never return, my ownly way out was to learn to say NO MORE and that did come from the inside of me.

I know this will not be a popular Question BUT how much can "WE" really trust a person that breaks the most important Vow they will ever make in there life, and I guess that has to include us as well can we really trust are own decission makeing ability, was ower decission to enter an A rattional or a result of the stresses in are lifes??


ARE YOU GOING TO SUCK IT UP and confront your husband about the abuse, does he know we is abusive (I know that sounds stupid but I believe my spouse did not really get it).


Do your family service and take good care of you.

FREE




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:54pm
HI ALL

Question to you who LOVE YOUR HUSBAND : are you ready to be D if/when found out, would you confess if you thought he was going to find out to try to save your M.

FREE

Pages