Why did I want to believe him???
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| Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:15am |
Just to introduce myself a bit before asking a question, I ended the A 5 years ago was in it for 18 months.He is married to the same woman, I am still married as well.
At the time my M was in very bad shape and I needed a friend and believed he was one, in time I learned he really was not one, I thought he was a nice guy ,guess again right.
I guess time has given me a prespective that is not that common when you are in the A.
The Question I would like answered is : If the MM is cheating on his wife lieing to her, scheeming toget together with the OW and in some cases spending family assets on her how could "I" or anyone else convince are selfs that he is a NICE OR DECENT person.
If it was "MY" or your husband doing this to "ME" are you would we think of him as a nice guy, How about if your sisters husband or your best girlfriends husband was doing it to them?
I do not mean to offend anyone by this question or insult any genuine good men some may be involved with, It is just that I now know a bunch of women in this situation (B/S's) and am wondering now how "I" could have believed all the B**LSH*T he was feeding about his mean/bad/frigid wife etc, I know her now on a personal basis and she really is an ok person that most people posting here would most likly be ok with (NO she does not know about the A).

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I agree, her insulting style is the same too!!! LOL
Charmed back to being your charming self again eh now that you have a backer you have lots of guts. You don't like what I have to say so shut me up , not going to happen Nazi.
As for the brit twit you know were my middle finger is.
There is an ignore button for a reason way don,t you use it instead of trying to be a control freak.
ONE FREE YANK
gurl
I for one am willing to get along but charmed has been trying to pick a fight with me for days now, I am willing to leave her strictly a lone but she keeps comeing back for more.I think she just enjoys it or she would ignore me,she must know when you see the deleted posts it is someone she does not what to here from WHY DOES SHE KEEP CHECKING THEM.
free
you and charmed have been egging each other on to argue and disagree, and i for one, am not sure about what this all started on. have you lost sight of what started all this stuff, because i sure have. so let's just call it a day between the two of you!
you, free, and ms. charmed are officially separated, heading for divorce court!! hahahaha!
just my brand of humor trying to smother the fire.
take care, both of you.
gurl
Back to the original thread at hand. Sorry for coming in so late. I often wonder if 5 years from now I will have 20/20 vision and see MM differently. It certainly has improved from what it was when the EMA began, which started as a slow friendship and grew from there. We're basically FWOBs, w/ an occasional "benefit" every now and then, those "benefits" becoming more frequently in the last six months, and now are tapering off again.
I think we want to believe our MMs initially bc it would help in justifying the EMA, and also bc most of us take people at face value. Plus, it feels good to believe that our MMs do love us and want to be with us ... until we do some real research into the matter into the why and wherefores of EMAs and face the truth. The truth being an EMA is just that. Enjoy it for the moment bc that's all you have. It may be all one wants ... the moments, no commitments, just the moment, like getting a fix.
It seems that many in EMAs feel they found their "soulmate" which is documented in studies by psychologists and the like. I've never been one to "run with the crowd" and so I hesitate in saying he is any type of "soulmate" to me even tho before I knew anything like these boards on EMAs existed I often wondered if we were "soulmates", just had bad timing. So the question I have is "why do so many in people in EMAs suddenly feel they've found their 'soulmate'?" I am of the opinion that they have NOT found their soulmate, but that their emotional voids have been filled by the MM and vice versa. So you have this emotional vacuum where each is feeding on the other's voids, hence, making one finally feel "complete". And once you step back from the EMA and get clarity one will see that this Prince Charming may just be a toad afterall, warts and all. I'm w/ the previous poster who said that the EMA has helped her come to the realization that this feeling of "completeness" must come from within from both TOW and MM. Then and only then can you feel complete with another person. You cannot depend on another person to make you feel complete. It may feel good but that feeling soon wears off (remember, EMAs are for the moment) and if that MM were to become your DH you would soon feel a void again, IF you haven't taken the responsibility (as well as your former XMM, now turned DH) to find happiness within one's self. Then you'd fall prey (or prey on someone) to give you that "high".
I became involved w/ my MM while in an emotional abusive M and my "prince" saved me from the depths of despair. This was my first (& last) A. That was almost 2 years ago. My DH is working on his anger, we're back to counseling, and we may be separating only to give each other space and to work on "us" while giving me a chance to heal. My MM is no longer my "prince" but is my friend. If me and DH go the route of a temporary separation I know I will have to put more than just space between MM and I. That is hard for me bc I do love him as a dear friend and he does the same. We have a different kind of love and I give him pointers on his M and he does the same for me. He loves his W, but has this weakness with the opposite sex. I love my DH, but he has been emotionally abusive which makes it hard to be intimate, and by intimate I mean close on an emotional level. Me and MM are close emotionally, which to me is more dangerous than having sex.
Perhaps one day, 5 years from now, I'll see this different. If so, I hope it doesn't take that long. Right now, as far as I can "see", I see things clearly just fine, but I have a feeling things will even be more clearer as time passes. Kinda like you don't know you need glasses til you put them on and find out trees have individual leaves w/ detail and are not just greenery.
Just my 2 cents
Luvin
That was one great post, I have to agree with everything you said.
I was in a abusive M and am still Married to that person but with time and a great deal of effort the abuse is now mostly in the past but I understand the effects it has on you and how you come to feel about the SO and yourself.
You were very lucky to have a true friend for you EMA not all guys are like him.
It would be nice if more people studied the effects of EMAs before entering them.
I hope things work out for you and your husband.
FREE
I am glad to see you back to your old self. You have lots of good advice and every right to share it. Please don't let your gift for communicating with others be deluted by getting into yelling matches
Free, I enjoy reading posts from you, Gurl, and many others I don't have time to list right now. You certainly keep it interesting and educational.
Pen
I promise I will not ingage in any more cat fights.
It's always nice to here from you
FREE
gurl
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