why didn't I come sooner
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why didn't I come sooner
| Wed, 04-29-2009 - 10:01am |
I spent most of yesterday just reading posts. It has been sooooo helpful to just be here.
| Wed, 04-29-2009 - 10:01am |
I spent most of yesterday just reading posts. It has been sooooo helpful to just be here.
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First Hey Btrue!!!! (Cubbies waving wildly) and a big Hi to Mrs. as well.
Hi Torn. The best advice I can give is once this is what you are set that you are going to leave, get your ducks in a row. Be ready to go pretty soon after you tell your H. The only regret I have in leaving my H 2 years ago, was that is was done in anger. Storming out after an arguement is not the way. :)
Thanks Cubbies,
I think I had to decide that first.
Hi Torn,
My XH was a lot like yours in that he had no social life besides me or my friends. He was perfectly content to spend the whole weekend just at home. I eventually had to get over worrying about that--it was his choice to be that way, not my responsibility to find him friends.
Cubbies is so right. If there is one thing I regret about the way I left my H, it was waiting until I could not wait one more minute. I ran out with just the clothes I had on, not in anger but just because I could not stand it anymore. It would have been far better to have a plan in place.
Also, being alone might seem scary, but it would be good to get past that to a place where you see it as a challenge and opportunity. More unsolicited advice here--I think it would be wise for you to have a place of your own before you move in with AP. Unless you go through the self-reflection and figuring out who you are or what you want for you, you bring the same baggage to the next R. It will come out eventually!
I know you won't do this, but for me I actually had to end my A to be completely positive I was leaving my M for the right reasons. Others have not done that and been fine, but I wanted to be 100% sure. Once I was out of the "A fog", it really helped me to think much more clearly.
Hi torn (and Cubbies and Btrue and Mrs...my this thread has brought out a lot of us)...
My xH is closest to Btrue's. Our A was discovered (one big time and several little times...I don't know how to better describe it...the big D-day was horrific the others were little blips on the radar screen compared to that). Each time AP and I went NC we did eventually find our way back to one another. It was a very painful time. Took me two years to make a decision.
It was very hard, but I finally realized that I was causing more damage to myself (and by extension my family which includes two children) by staying than I could by leaving. This feeling had been growing and on the day of what would have been our tenth wedding anniversary my H (who, like btrue's was beyond humiliated and betrayed) had a really bad day. He had run into AP the night before and decided that it was my fault. He threw an iron at me and that was the end for me. It was literally for me like "well that is it then."
Everyone in my world knew of the affair because H called everyone on d-day so it was almost expected that we were going to end things. I rented the first house I could find and was out in three weeks time.
It was a very trying time. Very. I also called AP that day and said I was totally done. I didn't want to see or speak to him anymore because I finally came to terms with MY life. Three months later he called me to tell me that he made some changes as well and wanted to see me. We took it slow. Dated for a year then lived together for two (he never divorced though and eventually went back to his W).
You know though? Through it all, I wouldn't change my decision about leaving my marriage. Too much damage had been done and I was miserable (as was my H). My daughter was crushed at first but did eventually tell me that she was happier because she didn't have to listen to the arguing and feel the tension. I am lucky though, both of my kids have adjusted very well and they are close with both their father and I.
Shadowz,
I've heard bits and pieces of your story in other threads and each time I read more, I truly feel for you.
I had a similar end to my M. Just too much damage to repair after all that had gone down.
Like you, I made the decision to end it and move on. I felt "done" with the M., the A....all of it. I turned my back on it and focused on my kids during the separation/divorce. He stayed in
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. ~Anonymous
&nb
<<<>>>
I was utterly crushed. If I am honest it was like a gradual crushing (in the form of catching him in lies and discovering dating profiles on sex sites) followed by an absolutely devastating blow (in the form of coming home from work one day to find that he had his wife's family in our shared home moving his stuff - and some of mine - out). Saying I was unprepared is putting it mildly. Saying I was devastated also seems mild.
I am coping. I really am. I think I am actually lucky because I have a very good support network in my friends. My friends are the ones that really helped me to pick up the pieces. Friends were ready to get on planes and fly across the country. Other friends, closer spent countless hours helping me. The most humiliating thing was that I completely fell apart on the phone with my boss.
Yes he tries. He went back to his wife and apparently it has not worked. She has moved out of state (apparently) and he is now alone (again apparently). It is hard. Some days much much harder than others. I lost my home and am truly in financial ruin. But I am picking up the pieces and have reconnected with my inner strength (which took a bit of a beating in the three years in my R with xAP/BF). My kids and I have relocated and that too has lots of positives for us. So, I guess I focus on the positives. Then when things get really bad I talk to my friends...who slap some sense into me.
Shadowz,
I'm so sorry, really. That's quite a journey. Glad you are coping and
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. ~Anonymous
&nb
Shadowz... I'm so sorry to hear of all the pain you have been through.
Wow.
Scottishcherokee~
I have a question, but your AP is D for 15 years. Is he not entitled to have a girlfriend? Does his daughter know that his friend is married? I ask because I wonder if there would be any difference if you weren't married. i.e. the dd would be upset by just another woman in her dad's life. If that is the case there are much bigger problems in store for your AP.
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