Why do APs do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Why do APs do this?
32
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 1:13pm
My AP will call and then wait sometimes a week before he calls again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 8:42am
I completely agree with Godess_edwina. Sometimes there is no way for them to contact us and I understand now, that it's better for him not to contact me if there is a risk
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 3:19pm

lover & i minimize our contact between trysts, to lower the chance of getting caught. we were both caught in prior As by cellphone records, emails, texts, etc


we contact only to set up the face-to-face stuff, the important stuff

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 3:51pm
As of today it's over between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 3:11pm


Aw..

but what if he contacts you with a barrel of excuses? Are you strong enough to say "so what?"

Hope you're doing ok

D x

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 5:48pm
I don't believe he will contact me because in the past when he thought he was risking losing me for good he would call.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 2:00pm
My heart goes out to you right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 3:28pm

I was looking through old e-mails, and I found one where I was mad as hell at my AP. It was after almost a week of NC, - he had just returned home to his W and 4 kids after a 5 week work period abroad. This was his first home period after we started the affair. And we had not set the ground rules yet. I was going bonkers after three days and I told him so..It was two days before he replied and I was sure we were over.... We were not. We later agreed on the ground rules, and to be open and honest in our communication. To ask and not presume.

I´d like to post his reply:

"I'm sorry but I just can not find the time to sit down and write to you in the way I want to. Each day goes by and I feel incredibly guilty to keep you waiting. I have many many excuses, 5 of them here at home, Mom & Dad, the rest of the family, study and even some work. I have no reason not to write to you... none what so ever. I want to sit down but its not always easy, people in and out of the study... I never got the lap top as I would only use it to write emails to you... which maybe good enough reason to get one.

I do love you and want this relationship with you despite what you think. Please don´t give up on me".


Edwina
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 4:36pm


All I can do is send you a barrel-load of hugs.

I'm single, so when I say i love my AP, it's with no qualifications at all. He's the only man I've ever imagined I could spend my life with, he makes me dizzy and we've been together a long time. But I know he's never leaving his wife... and when he says he loves me, I know there's always that "but I love my life more".

It's da** hard. I'm so glad I found this board.

D x

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 6:33pm

I had to respond to this because I went through the exact same thing. I had an EA with my HS sweetheart. He in the beginning had a difficult time with guilt, since I have kids and he doesn't. He feared us getting caught or him taking time away from my family. He is also married but he does not have children. We were in contact daily, he expressed his sincere feelings for me and it was wonderful. Then months later, it came to a point where I was hearing from him less and less. He claimed he was really busy with work. Weeks would go by before he would contact me again. I let him know how I felt, but he wouldn't change really. Time came when he said we woudn't be able to communicate for like two months and I didn't really get a good reason. I contacted him after those months and he replied, but I can tell he doesn't want to continue this. I can tell he just really wants to move forward because he basically ignores me. He has replied twice, but nothing more than a word or two. I know now that this isn't what he wants and the gut feeling I had months and months ago, was right. He is not as into me or he does not want to continue on with this but he cannot tell me bye. So, he pulls away and ignores me and hopes I leave him alone.


I am so sorry you are going through this and i know it hurts, rejection hurts. When you are not wanting to change the relationship, but he is, and you feel like you have no control, it hurts. But, don't do as I did and wait months and months and drive yourself crazy... go ahead and move ahead. If he does not want to make time for you, then he does not deserve you. Let him go... I know it is easier said than done... but it's the best way. If you talk to him and he doesnt' change or he isn't concerned with your feelings about contact, then let him go.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 6:51pm
hi e have.



Edited 6/16/2009 6:40 am ET by theeternal