Why do I even care?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Why do I even care?
7
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 9:20pm
Well, last I knew as of 3 weeks ago, MM told me he and his W were going through with their divorce and he also proceeded to tell me that he needed his space and felt he should be alone and then got pissy with me and started twisting around crap about how HE went out and got an attorney and I hadn't even TALKED to mine and then slammed my car door and left....wouldn't talk to me at work all day and then I texted him after work telling him about how I was so tired of him making promises he never kept and how all he ever did was hurt me....he texted me back and accused me of playing games with him and to leave him alone. We have not spoken or even looked at each other for the last 3 weeks at work. I noticed when leaving work the other day, his vehicle is still parked in front of the rental house he owns right next to his main house....he moved out of the house a month ago when he told his wife that he couldn't live with her and make things work when he was in love with me and moved into the rental next door with his aunt and cousins. My friend told me she saw him at a graduation party last night and I asked if he was by himself....she said she didn't know what his wife looked like so I described her and she said no, that he was by himself....I just have so many mixed feelings....I'm so angry with him for throwing me under the bus AGAIN, but if he's really going through with his divorce, what the hell is his problem? I mean, that's why he left her so that he could be with me. Sounds strange, but I would almost feel better knowing that he did indeed go back to his wife ( AGAIN) instead of being single and not wanting to see me....I think it would hurt a lot more to know that he was divorced and was seeing someone else, does that make sense? But I know what doesn't make sense is how and why I feel like this...I shouldn't, I should be glad to be rid of the jerk out of my life...I don't miss the anxiety, I don't miss the drama, I don't miss the sneaking around and lying...sorry for rambling...I just REALLY had a HARD time dealing with my emotions today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 9:48pm

Hi Gabby,


I know your having a tough time and I'm not going to give you a tough time because I have trouble letting emotions go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 10:13pm
Thanks, Jen...I appreciate the support. It would be so much easier if we didn't work in the same place and I didn't have to see him. I don't understand why my heart keeps hanging on when my head tells me he is SO not worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 2:51pm
Didn't catch all your story, Jen...where you at in your affair?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 4:13pm

(((Julz)))


It breaks my heart to see you still struggling with this situation.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 4:45pm

Maybe it isn't your heart that won't let go. Maybe its part ego...wanting to win the battle, and part insecure neediness. Why should he make a choice? He's got two women asking "how high" when he says jump. The wife won't kick him out permenently, and you keep trying to get him to talk to you so you can try and get him to do what you want. The thing is, even if THIS time he's genuine, and I doubt it, what would you have won? He's stringing the wife along with you. What guarantee would you have that even living together or being married to you would stop him from changing his mind and walking out the door again? I'd spend every one of my days wondering if that was the one he was going choose to leave again. He claimes to love you, but strings you along just like the wife. Is that the kind of "love" you want? I think it would serve him right if you AND the wife dumps his ass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 8:55pm
Silence, I TOTALLY get what you are saying. Don't think those thoughts haven't run through my mind over and over the last year and half. The few times we were "together" I had such anxieties about trusting him. I know I would wonder where he's at and what he's doing every minute he wasn't with me just because of his past. I don't know if you've read any of my former posts, but my H was like MM ( not as extreme) and had cheated on his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend and when we hooked up I was worried about him doing the same to me, but in time, he proved that with me, he had found real love and happiness and has never cheated on me. That's what MM always told me also that he never knew real love and happiness till he met me and that's all he needed and wanted so I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for your input...I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 9:09pm
Hi, clarity....you're right, I do feel like I've invested so much time and emotions into all this and all I ever get is hurt. I guess to get to this point, if he really, truly is going through with a divorce, it's like a slap in the face. When all this started, the reason we did all this was to be together so for him to say he needs his space doesn't make sense at all. I really think it's because he's hoping his W will drop it all and take him back if she hasn't already. This is all coming from the heart....the head says SNAP OUT OF IT. I know what I have here at home is worth SO much and I don't want to lose it. I know I have a man, H, that loves me and would do anything to make me happy. When I step back and take a look at things objectively I do hit myself upside the head but it's amazing how strong the feelings from the heart complicate those logical thoughts. I do love and care about my H, but I'm in love with MM who I know is no good for me. Thanks, clarity, for always being here and offering me advice and caring...I really need it.