why do I stay?... should I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
why do I stay?... should I?
5
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:00am
We met at work

We started talking through e-mail

A few weeks later he asked me to go to happy hour with a few co-workers

I went; we had a lot of fun and then ended up back at my place- we slept together

And have been ever since- it has been one year now.

He moved to this state about 2 years ago to be with his girlfriend and daughter

He has no family here

When he first moved here he had his own apartment not with the girlfriend and daughter

About 1 month before we met he had moved in with them-

I got a bunch of lies from the beginning-

He told me they were NOT together and that they were living together for financial reasons. That he did not want to renew his lease because he was trying to get a transfer at work to his home state, so instead of renewing he moved in with them.

I had asked him numerous times if they were together or if they were sleeping together, each time I was told no- that they are not but they remain living together for financial reasons and for their daughter.

I knew better but wanted to believe him so bad- he always had the perfect words for everything- and still does.

A few months ago I answered my cell phone to his girlfriend ranting and raging and asking me all sorts of questions. As hurt as I was, I did not tell her anything. He later called saying that she was crazy and just didn’t want to see him with anyone- but yet when I was on the phone with her- he was in the background talking about how we were “just friends”- I should have ended it right then and there.

He told me he was going to get his own place- I believed him (or at least wanted to)

So I stuck around- I am so happy when I am with him, I know he cares for me deeply- but he has her and a child with her- I don’t understand why I am hanging on. Every time I say I am done- he lures me back in.

One year later, we are in the same situation- he is living with her

And I want him to be with me. He always talks about the future with me and how he thinks that I am “the one”. Last year we went on vacation together to New York and he met my family- and he keeps telling me that this year he wants to bring me home with him. I at times feel as though this relationship could be very wonderful-if only he didn’t already have someone. At other times I think more logically- like what makes me think he won’t do the same thing to me as he is doing to her?

If the situation was different and she was not in his life, I know we would be perfect together. But the problem is- that she is.

I do not know what to do- do I just walk away now and not waste my time because I can not truly have him and if it was meant to be then one day it will?- or Do I stay eagerly awaiting the day we can be together and enjoying the times we have right now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:57am
HI Young

I have to ask who is he cheating on you are his G/F ,it is very strange.

Sounds like he is a skilled liar, that comes from practice, be carefull how much you believe.

I think you should consider finding a man that does not lie to you, according to the phone call you over heard he was lieing to her about you, sounds like a ingrained habit.

For your own sake I think you should move on to somebody better.


FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 10:53pm
How about more input for Young

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:27pm
BUMP
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:34pm
Hello yourmistress,

I don't really have any advice that I can give to you since I am new here and am trying to figure out what it is that I am doing as well. I just wanted to let you know that there are parts of your post that I feel I could have written in my own story - you aren't alone.

My thoughts are with you and good luck.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:09am
Hi YM,

It soudns to me like you are definitely the other woman and his primary R is with the GF, otherwise he wouldn't need to lie about you.

It also sounds like he's definitely lying to you, which is not good.

In the A I'm involved in right know I haven't decided that I'm willing to ask my guy to be his primary R. I'm not sure I'm willing to expose my feelings that much and I'm not sure that if I did get what I wanted I'd be able to trust him. At this point he seems to be being honest with me at least.

He treats me like a friend he can share things with. He doesn't claim to love me or to not love his GF. He knows he doesn't have to love me to keep me with him at this point, so there's no reason for him to pretend he's going to break up with her or that he doesn't love her.

It sounds to me like you've made it pretty clear to him that you want to be his primary relationship, but for one reason or another he's unwilling to do that.

So you have to ask yourself, are you okay with being the other woman or is the only way you'llb be happy is have you can have a real R with this guy instead of an A?

If knowing your second best isn't for you, I'd advise bailing as soon as possible before your feelings are hurt any more.

Nick