Why do men (married or not) do this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Why do men (married or not) do this!
7
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:30pm
He's blowing me off...said he was coming in town 3 weeks ago: "let's meet for lunch or drink.." I confirmed a week and a half ago the actual days.

He flew in today to see family and of course, no call. He's done this before. Does he think about what he's doing and decides, "no, not a good idea." Here I am wondering if he is attracted, but by him blowing me off sort of answers that - I think he is. If he were not - and not having feelings, then he would meet me, no problem. Anyone else would kind of call ahead of time and see what the schedule is..

All this over a MM.. and I'm a MW. Ridiculous. Men!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 6:18pm
Last week I received a variety of nice comments from posters here about me being thoughtful and sensitive and other such things that made me sound probably a lot better than I am. Today... I feel like I've been kind of hitting people in the head here lately... and I really don't mean to.

I could be wrong... let me correct that... I *am* wrong... a lot. And I'm daring to presume to guess what complete strangers might be thinking based on incomplete, cursory information. But disclaimers aside, and sincere apologies for any feelings I hurt or bubbles I may burst...

If he's blowing you off... if you confirmed a "date" and he hasn't called... there are lots of possible reasons. Maybe he's busy, maybe he's what I always refered to as "supervised" and maybe he is rethinking things. Could be any of those, and I can't guess which.

But... suggesting that "he is ... by him blowing me off off sort of answers that... if he were not - and not having feelings, then he would meet me, no problem."

As a man who has in the past been guilty of considering meeting a woman, then changing my mind... this is actually EXACTLY what I would have done (especially when I was younger.) Your logic suggesting if he had no feelings he'd meet... if might be faulty. Men don't work like that (for the most part.) If we have no feelings and no interest, we don't show up to prove it -- we skip out. And if we think you have feelings for us that we don't echo? We avoid it even more so because then we are avoiding a potential crying scene with a woman, something we really don't enjoy. Unless we just need the buzz of a woman's attention, which I'll admit sounds a little twisted if you think about it.

I could easily be wrong... he may call and everything be great, and I hope he does. But I don't think the line of logic you've used to prove to yourself he is attracted... well, as men, we don't usually blow off women we're attracted to because we know you don't like it and it will hurt our chances.

Men suck. I'll confess and agree to that one. If there were a third sexual choice... men would be left with nothing.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:19am
>>Here I am wondering if he is attracted, but by him blowing me off sort of answers that - I think he is.>>

How did you ever arrive at that conclusion? Some sort of weird parallel universe maybe where everything is back-to-front? Honey, if he's blowing you off, then no, he's not attracted.

>>If he were not - and not having feelings, then he would meet me, no problem.>>

Again,...HUH???? If he were attracted and 'having feelings' then he would meet you, no problem! Males really aren't that complex and their actions usually speak far louder than their words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:57am
Wow Rain, I'm surprised. Not by your comments regarding men because unfortunately, way too many of us are like that. But I'm surprised to hear you say that you have behaved this way in the past. I mean I'll admit I have backed out of meeting people before, but I always expressed why or at the very least, told them. I have always tried to imagine myself in the other person's shoes and I would have felt incredibly guilty if I just disappeared. I've never avoided a situation just to avoid a crying scene with a woman. Again, I felt like if I'm going to make her cry, the least I can do is be there to accept the consequences. I don't know what this says about me. I've always felt (and my counselor has agreed) that I'm actually emotionally wired more like a woman than like a man. So maybe that explains it. This, of course, has positive and negative aspects to it. As much as women say they want someone sensitive and caring like they are, most of the time I find that they really want someone strong and unfeeling at times and I can never be that.

Well, I've gotten off on a tangent here. My feelings regarding this man is he probably changed his mind. Should he have let her know? Absolutely. The only good news is he probably wasn't worth the time anyway based on his behavior. I know that isn't much consolation. I'm sorry Rhonda.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:09am
Omaha,

Let me repeat and clarify: I did something similar before. I have told someone I'd be somewhere (at a party) and see them, and I've called someone at the last minute with a bad excuse. I don't think even as a younger fool I would have left a woman at a restaurant or made no call at all.

When I was 18 I was dating a beautiful girl and I thought it was because I was nice and funny. When girls would smile at me and say hi, I thought they were friendly. When I stopped dating that girl... well, holy crap, it turned out I was attractive to women! They weren't just being nice! (see why I tell you ladies that men are dense and simple?)

Bad time to learn that. It goes to your head. I wasn't always a good person after finding out I could date lots of women. At 19 or so I was often talking to women I didn't find attractive but since I was so chatty and interested in a few of them as people, some of them mistook my interest. I just wasn't good at rejecting anyone because I hated it so much and I took the coward's way out a few times. Not proud of it, but there it is.

And I too am wired to have "female" traits. It's always funny when people see my house and tell my W how well decorated it is and she has to confess that I'm the one who did it. I'm way too sensitive too, but I'm getting a handle on that as well. Grew up very close to my mom, that's probably what did it.

Tempted though I am to dive into my personal views on women wanting nice guys... think I'll pass; I'm sorely outnumbered. LOL

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:28am
Rain,

I didn't think you were the type to blow anyone off without an explanation. That's why I was so surprised. Good to hear that although you were less sensitive when you were younger (who wasn't?), that you always have been a sensitive man who considers others. I too was very close to my Mom growing up. Man, it is nice to know I'm not the only guy like this. I honestly don't have a single friend who is wired the way I am. I'm learning to be strong too. For the first time in my life I feel independent and like I'll be able to make decisions about my life and still be able to share my heart and world with someone. But the greatest thing is I've found someone who truly appreciates me despite all my faults. I've never felt as complete as I do when I'm with her.

Okay, I'm gushing now. I'll stop. I don't want to detract from the original post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:05pm
I guess I should explain something.. regarding how I arrived at my assumptions.

This relationship has been going on for 4 years now. We are both drawn to each other but are married. When given the opportunity to get together, we always make plans. Then, at the last minute, it's like we both get really uncomfortable and start thinking, "maybe this isn't a good idea...", and we just don't meet up, nor do we discuss it. But not a week goes by that we don't reconnect via phone or email. It has seemed, based on past experiences with each other, that we are comfortable being around others (co-workers, in a social situation) where we can enjoy each other's flirtation...and the thought of going out alone SOUNDS nice. When we actually get to that point - we both just kind of back away.

SO - my point was... Since we haven't seen each other in two years but have stayed in touch, it would be crazy not to get together (old friends), if he is in town (he lives 3,000 miles away and since we don't work in the same company anymore, how often is that going to happen?). If there was NO attraction, there wouldn't be an issue with meeting, I think. If there IS an attraction, even though we haven't seen each other, then maybe he is thinking, "you know, maybe this isn't a good idea because i don't trust myself or what could happen...". At the very minimum, if we were just friends and nothing more, he would call and say that he's tied up with family things, etc. and he won't have time to get together. In the past, if we were meeting with other co-workers for drinks and he couldn't make it, he would call and say,"sorry, I won't be there, but have one for me!" One time, when we were in one office working and I had to travel north to his office the next day, he was like, "yeah, that'll be cool - we might as well get dinner after work so you can avoid the traffic driving back south." After work the next day, it was very uncomfortable, and the little flirts and stares had reached a new height. At that point - he wasn't saying anything about dinner, so I just say, "well, maybe I'll stop at a mall on the way home to avoid traffic...do you know of any around here?" And he gave me directions and we said 'bye' but it was weird. Like he wanted to say something, but didn't.

SO - my friends, that is why I am believing that maybe I am not imagining this in my head. The anticipation of him coming out here has been on my mind constantly since he told me 3 weeks ago, and I'm wondering if he's thought about it too. I am not going to call or email him to find out what the deal is.. If I don't hear from him (which I don't hink I will), I am sure I will once he returns home.

Okay...I'm ready to get beat up now. And I guess mean are more simple in their thinking, but do you think I"m completely off base?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:46pm
I hate to tell you this, Rhonda, but your post is a classic example of what is called a "projected assumption." This is what YOU think and how YOU feel and you automatically assume that he must be thinking and feeling the same way. I don't think this is the case here. Sorry, hon, but from the sounds of it he simply enjoys the thrill of flirting with you via email or on the phone from the distance and that's all he wants it to be. If he really wanted to see you - whether as a friend or more - he wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity.