Why do we do it?
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Why do we do it?
| Sat, 11-07-2009 - 7:42am |
I've been lurking for some time until today. I think the cons are starting to outweigh the pros for me. I've had this, "I want this, this is fun, I can handle it" attitude for a long time. I think I lost it though and I can't get it back. It's been a little over a year for AP and I. I never wanted to want more, but lately I can't help but ask, "where is this going?", "what are we doing?". I read through some posts, and it seems a lot of us deal with the same exact issues. Why do we do it? I feel so pathetic. I'm asking the same questions as everyone else in this boat, "how does he really feel about me?", "is he ever going to ask for more?", "is he ever going to leave his wife?". I guess what I have is no different, not special.
I don't even know what it is I want. My marriage is great, or least should be great. I believe I do this for ME, not because something is wrong in my marriage. My husband is wonderful. Wow, I am a horrible person, huh? I mean, he's wonderful, and I love him, and he's the father of my children, but I have a connection with AP I just never thought could exist. I have never opened up to someone so much. I've never known so much about someone. Though somedays, I wonder if this is just a side of himself he only shares with me. Meaning, maybe I only get his "secret" side. Maybe I want more. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk about our days over dinner.
I don't know where I am going with this. How do you know when you want more? I feel like I either want more or I want it to be over. I hate this purgatory. The statistics are not in our favor. Ending a M and starting a relationship with an AP only has like what, a 20% chance of working? And how would we ever trust each other after doing what we have done to our spouses? What if we don't really know each other? What if the grass just looks greener?
I don't even know what it is I want. My marriage is great, or least should be great. I believe I do this for ME, not because something is wrong in my marriage. My husband is wonderful. Wow, I am a horrible person, huh? I mean, he's wonderful, and I love him, and he's the father of my children, but I have a connection with AP I just never thought could exist. I have never opened up to someone so much. I've never known so much about someone. Though somedays, I wonder if this is just a side of himself he only shares with me. Meaning, maybe I only get his "secret" side. Maybe I want more. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk about our days over dinner.
I don't know where I am going with this. How do you know when you want more? I feel like I either want more or I want it to be over. I hate this purgatory. The statistics are not in our favor. Ending a M and starting a relationship with an AP only has like what, a 20% chance of working? And how would we ever trust each other after doing what we have done to our spouses? What if we don't really know each other? What if the grass just looks greener?

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Wow! I'm glad you posted because I have the same questions going through my head.
Like you said, where is this going?
I've learned that if I'm going to be in an A, I can't let myself pretend that it's anything other than an A. An A can't be like another kind of R no matter how hard you want it to be.
So I've learned to accept. And I work at accepting. I accept that AP lies to me (just as I do to them). I accept that AP puts me 2nd or 3rd in his life (just as I put them). I accept that the A could end at any time and I may never know why. I accept that AP is never going to leave his W to be with me and wants me mainly for sex (just the way I am about them).
If you insist on pretending that these are not the realities, you're just going to keep hurting like hell. I was that way once, but I've done all the hurting I intend to do. So I accept.
Just my .02
-jana
Janamich67-
Well, that is all great if you go searching for an A and you agree to those terms.
But for me, I never ever wanted to be in an affair with a married man.
Janamich is right.
When i started my A it was just for sex. And it was great. No pain and no hurt feelings. When my AP crossed that line and began saying that he loves me, that's when things started to get worse. Now, a year later, it's a big mess. He says he loves me but deep inside i know it can't be true. How can it? How can you love someone and not go to them every night, not build any life with them? How can having them on the side just be love? And yes, when he says it and i look at him it sounds believable but when you look at the facts, it is far from that.
It's all pain and suffering being in an A and saying it is love.
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Yes, I see that our situations are different.
Deceptions are part of A's, like I said. But if an AP said he was S and I was depending on it like you are, I'd be hurt and angry too. I don't blame you one bit. He's an a55.
Sorry for your situation.
-jana
I have been posting and reading on EAS because I am about a month out...
After being 5 and 1/2 years in the A, and convincing myself it was just fun and enjoying the sex, I looked back to see that after a year...I have been asking myself the questions you are asking?
nomore,
Reading your post was both heart wrenching and empowering. I am so sorry you have had to go through this situation. I was ready to cry when I read, "That's a really sad realization when you think someone loves you and its true, but not enough to change their world." I am struggling with this concept a lot right now. I feel like my BF/AP loves me, but apparently not enough. If he did, he'd be only with me.
"He just fed it enough to keep me going and he had fun too." Yes, I feel like they sometimes give us just enough to keep us on the hook. My BF is considerate and contacts me everyday, several times a day, is a good communicator, amazing sex, etc. I think he knows this is what I want/need in my life so he gives me just that. It's great, to a point. I want more.
You also deserve more, and I'm glad to hear you are now a month out and moving on with your life. How are you doing, btw? Are you starting to feel better or having a lot of days crying/missing him? Are you seeing anyone new or rebuilding your M?
It is empowering to hear that you walked away. I'm proud of you. I know how hard it can be as I have been trying to walk away and/or decide if I really am ready to; or if the stress and sadness have finally outweighed the "fun".
I enjoyed your P.S. That does have to feel somewhat fulfilling-- knowing how miserable he is and he has to deal with knowing he has lost a wonderful lady. I loved how you wrote, "I know that I am nothing more than a crutch for him to limp thru his dysfunctional marriage and still have everything he wants." You sound like you are better off without him and have started to become strong again. While on his side, he's falling on the ground without you as his crutch. You are strong and continue to grow stronger by no longer supporting him and moving on with your life and happiness.
I think you are amazing to be able to walk away. I feel so weak sometimes. They do know just what to say and do to keep you going, don't they? At least it sure seems that way. I actually did a little reading up on how to end an A. You really just have to cut them out. I have tried to end it, many times, but we always talked it out. I always ended up being talked back in. I just need to walk away I guess. I did once, for maybe 4 days. I was happier. I don't know what happened.
Have you sought the help of a professional? I am thinking of doing so. I cannot deal with this roller coaster ride anymore.
Goddess-
How am I doing...gosh, that is a good question.
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